Wednesday, September 11, 2013

twelve

it was just an average tuesday.

early that morning, our junior class had attended the college fair. row after row of college representatives from the surrounding area passed out free pens and t-shirts, trying to get new "recruits".

and so we went, table to table, and gathered all of the free stuff. i mean, i had no intention of attending the college of the ozarks, but hey, a free pencil sharpener never hurt anyone.

after our goodie bags were filled with loot, we all began to part ways, going to our next class. my boyfriend and i walked, hand in hand, plastic bags swaying with each step. he dropped me off at my class, stealing a quick, innocent kiss. and i walked inside, closing the door behind me.

i sat at my computer in my graphic design class, the only girl in the room. it was an ordinary day, creating pretend ads for a class project. one of the boys looked down at his hidden cell phone, and then quickly stood up, walking across the classroom. as he turned on the tv, he interrupted our teacher's reprimand by saying, "we have to watch."

and that's when we saw it.

one of the world trade center towers in NYC had been crashed into by a plane. how tragic! it was obvious that the plane could have no survivors. we commented back and forth of how strange it was that a plane would fly into one of the buildings--there must have been some sort of freak technical accident. the pilot must have had a heart attack. something like that.

while we looked at the screen, we watched the plane hit the tower. but this re-play looked different than the other ones. and then we realized that it was a second plane. hitting the other tower. and that this was no accident at all. 
we watched in silence. we watched as the plumes of smoke stretched across the sky. we watched flames licking the sides of the buildings. and then we watched as each tower crumpled.

it was then that i realized we had all lost our innocence.

the rest of the day was a blur. we went to class after class, lugging around our now oddly heavy bags of college paraphernalia through the halls, with looks of worry and tears on our cheeks. by this time, we had all heard about the third plane hitting the pentagon and the fourth crashing in pennsylvania.

the size of the classes got smaller and smaller through out the day, parents uncertain of what else would come. in some classes we sat and watched the tv in eerie quiet. in others, the tv was muted, and we talked about our feelings of confusion, despair, mourning.

it was then that i realized our lives would never be the same.

it was just an average tuesday.

twelve.

twelve years have passed since that time. you can ask any american, and they can tell you exactly where they were at, what they were doing, who they were with when they heard about the attacks.

twelve. only twelve years.

it seems like yesterday.

Friday, September 6, 2013

okay.

Sometimes all you want is the reassurance that everything will be okay. That regardless of what arbitrary occurrence that you face, that in it end it's going to be okay. That no matter what, the sun will rise the next morning, and it will be okay.



What a crock of shit.

I mean, c'mon. Bad things happen. I went through a four week period where I had five different flat tires. Did you read that? FIVE FLAT TIRES IN FOUR WEEKS. I'm at the end of a separation before my husband files for divorce in two weeks. My bank account is non-existent. My heart has been trampled, rejected, and shattered. I'm taking anti-depressants. I'm fat. And I got a notice today in the mail that there's an urgent recall notice on a part in my car. 

I've come to the realization that not everything will be okay, but that some things will be.


Because there's been good things, too. I've realized that I can make myself happy. That while I don't need a man to be a whole person, it sure is fun to date. That while the sun doesn't come up every morning, the rain is cleansing. My boys giggle and play, and are my best friends. Money isn't important but enjoying the experience of life is. 

Not everything will be okay.
But some things will be.

And that sounds good to me.