Sunday, June 30, 2013

Hurt.

Today my four year old made me cry.

It's not that he said anything to hurt my feelings. He didn't physically wound me. He was just being four.

This weekend was a marker of several things. From our wedding anniversary on Friday to marking the end of week 1 of truly being a single parent...I finally hit my wall this afternoon.

Jonas was being non-complainant again, sending me over the edge. The boys have been needy and especially obnoxious all weekend. Everything has been a battle, and a standoff over going to the restroom before nap time just made me crack.

I had hoped for a weekend without the kids since I knew it was probably going to be emotionally draining. Because that couldn't happen, I decided to try to fill every minute doing something so I wouldn't have time to feel.

I'm such a smart girl sometimes.

So that leaves me on Sunday afternoon, crying after apologizing to Jonas for going off on him, and feeling every single emotion that I had suppressed.

It feels good to feel something. And with like everything else the past few months, it's been another lesson to be kind to myself, to treat myself with love and grace.

And to invest in waterproof mascara.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Five.

Friday is my fifth wedding anniversary.

I have been so apprehensive about this day; it's the first major milestone day since our separation. What sort of emotions would I feel? Would I be depressed? Angry? Filled with hopelessness?

Right now, at this very minute, I'm glad.

I'm thankful that I got to spend so many years married to a great partner. I'm happy that our marriage produced Jonas and Noah, our favorite short people. I'm proud that we interact with kindness and respect. And I'm hopeful that today will always be a special day for us, because it's when we started our family, even though we are more than slightly non-traditional at this point.

So happy anniversary to us. While I never thought we'd spend it like we are, I'm thankful for it. We will always be family because of the boys.

And that's a great thing.



Saturday, June 22, 2013

The Game.

I was really wishy washy about when I wanted to start dating again. There were a lot of reasons...What would people think? Was I ready? How could I meet people to even think about dating?

And I slowly began to answer those questions. I am focusing on what's right for me, so I don't care what people think. And yes, I'm beyond ready. The tricky part was how to meet people. I work so much, and then pick up the boys and go home. Even on the nights John would have the boys, my friends are almost only comprised of married moms. Not really the best resource of single men.

So I signed up for match.com.

I know. Trust me, I know.

I've actually been on several dates with people I've met on there, and it's been a lot of fun for the most part! We've always met at whatever coffee shop/restaurant/theater and I'm safe and sound. I make sure to tell someone the persons full name (and I show them their picture) prior to going out as a safety fall-back.

The first date I ever had I was so, so nervous about. I'm pretty sure I came across as completely crazy. And I'm pretty positive it wasn't a love match. But I gained experience (and actually a friend) out of it. I've had a date where I'm actually interested in him; so I'm excited to see what, if anything, comes from that.

And I've had bad dates. Dates who weren't what they stated physically (saying you're 5'8" and actually being closer to 5'6") or who were totally concerned about things like money and how to make more of it. And making sun of my haircut and fingernail polish, too!

The bad dates are just as important to have as the good ones. Dating is about making connections, having experiences, and just putting yourself out there. Will I find the love of my life on match.com?

I have no clue. But it's just as possible as meeting them at the grocery store.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

The Darkness.

It all started innocently enough.

Isn't that like the most ominous being of a post ever? Next you'll read something like "THE LIGHTS FLICKERED AND WHEN THE POWER CAME BACK ON, EVERYONE WAS DEAD."

But back to the innocent beginning.

It was a couple of weeks ago, the same day tornadoes ravaged Oklahoma. The boys were upstairs sleeping, and I was downstairs watching my shows like any boring person does. Then I heard it.

The tornado sirens.

After a quick text inquiry asking if that was a bad sign, I threw comforters in the downstairs tub and grabbed the boys. Jonas slept through the entire thing, while Noah kept exclaiming "GOOD MORNING!!" We hung out in the tub for like 20 minutes, and seeing that the worst had passed, I put them back to sleep in their rooms.

I went back to my room, and stripped down, deciding to sit on the bed for a minute before grabbing my nightgown from the bathroom.

And then the power went out.

And stayed out.

And stayed out some more.

After about 20 minutes, I decided that I should:

1. Get dressed, and
2. Go to my parents house, the land of electricity.

The only thing was I couldn't see. Like, anything. After being really unsuccessful feeling my way around to collect clothes and toiletries OR A FLASHLIGHT, I remembered the boys PlaySkool lantern.

Oh, you know the one. The one with the yellow button you have to push, and ten it lights up, playing coyote and cricket noises.

And so I went through the house, pushing the damn yellow button every 30 seconds, the sounds of The Call of the Wild bouncing off the walls.

The lesson of this story? Always know where your flashlights are and never get undressed during a storm because the second you do, your power will go out.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

the one where it covers all of me

John and I are currently separated, and will be getting divorced later this year.

It's been a hard few months, and like every life-changing event, it's a process. I'm well into the healing process, even though some of the wounds are still tender and raw. I think that John is in the same place.

It'd be easy to point fingers, to place blame on why our marriage failed. But that's not going to happen. It simply didn't; it is what it is. There isn't any juicy gossip or scandal. There was no fighting or violence.

It just is what it is.

He's almost fully moved into his new apartment, and the boys will start spending about half of their time there next week.

It just is what it is.

A lot of people who have been around us together after hearing about our separation have been surprised about how we interact. We are kind, respectful, and acting the same as we did before. We never had a problem getting along; that was never an issue.

My resolution for 2013 was to be kind. To be kinder than I had ever been before, even when it's hard. I didn't know that this was what was in store for me in 2013, but I've tried my hardest to be as kind as possible. You can't stop situations that are out of your hands, but you can change your attitude and perception. I'm thankful that John has been equally as kind.

Do I still love John? Of course. But that love has changed; it's no longer a romantic interest. He's the father of our children, and will always hold a high place in my heart. I believe that John feels the same.

So thank you. Thank you for your kind words, your offers, your love and support. We both have felt it, and I know that it's been appreciated.