Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Monday, December 9, 2013
Monday, December 2, 2013
Monday, November 25, 2013
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Monday, November 11, 2013
Friday, November 8, 2013
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Friday, October 18, 2013
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Monday, October 14, 2013
Friday, October 4, 2013
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
it was just an average tuesday.
early that morning, our junior class had attended the college fair. row after row of college representatives from the surrounding area passed out free pens and t-shirts, trying to get new "recruits".
and so we went, table to table, and gathered all of the free stuff. i mean, i had no intention of attending the college of the ozarks, but hey, a free pencil sharpener never hurt anyone.
after our goodie bags were filled with loot, we all began to part ways, going to our next class. my boyfriend and i walked, hand in hand, plastic bags swaying with each step. he dropped me off at my class, stealing a quick, innocent kiss. and i walked inside, closing the door behind me.
i sat at my computer in my graphic design class, the only girl in the room. it was an ordinary day, creating pretend ads for a class project. one of the boys looked down at his hidden cell phone, and then quickly stood up, walking across the classroom. as he turned on the tv, he interrupted our teacher's reprimand by saying, "we have to watch."
and that's when we saw it.
one of the world trade center towers in NYC had been crashed into by a plane. how tragic! it was obvious that the plane could have no survivors. we commented back and forth of how strange it was that a plane would fly into one of the buildings--there must have been some sort of freak technical accident. the pilot must have had a heart attack. something like that.
while we looked at the screen, we watched the plane hit the tower. but this re-play looked different than the other ones. and then we realized that it was a second plane. hitting the other tower. and that this was no accident at all.
we watched in silence. we watched as the plumes of smoke stretched across the sky. we watched flames licking the sides of the buildings. and then we watched as each tower crumpled.
it was then that i realized we had all lost our innocence.
the rest of the day was a blur. we went to class after class, lugging around our now oddly heavy bags of college paraphernalia through the halls, with looks of worry and tears on our cheeks. by this time, we had all heard about the third plane hitting the pentagon and the fourth crashing in pennsylvania.
the size of the classes got smaller and smaller through out the day, parents uncertain of what else would come. in some classes we sat and watched the tv in eerie quiet. in others, the tv was muted, and we talked about our feelings of confusion, despair, mourning.
it was then that i realized our lives would never be the same.
it was just an average tuesday.
twelve years have passed since that time. you can ask any american, and they can tell you exactly where they were at, what they were doing, who they were with when they heard about the attacks.
twelve. only twelve years.
it seems like yesterday.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Sunday, June 30, 2013
It's not that he said anything to hurt my feelings. He didn't physically wound me. He was just being four.
This weekend was a marker of several things. From our wedding anniversary on Friday to marking the end of week 1 of truly being a single parent...I finally hit my wall this afternoon.
Jonas was being non-complainant again, sending me over the edge. The boys have been needy and especially obnoxious all weekend. Everything has been a battle, and a standoff over going to the restroom before nap time just made me crack.
I had hoped for a weekend without the kids since I knew it was probably going to be emotionally draining. Because that couldn't happen, I decided to try to fill every minute doing something so I wouldn't have time to feel.
I'm such a smart girl sometimes.
So that leaves me on Sunday afternoon, crying after apologizing to Jonas for going off on him, and feeling every single emotion that I had suppressed.
It feels good to feel something. And with like everything else the past few months, it's been another lesson to be kind to myself, to treat myself with love and grace.
And to invest in waterproof mascara.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
I have been so apprehensive about this day; it's the first major milestone day since our separation. What sort of emotions would I feel? Would I be depressed? Angry? Filled with hopelessness?
Right now, at this very minute, I'm glad.
I'm thankful that I got to spend so many years married to a great partner. I'm happy that our marriage produced Jonas and Noah, our favorite short people. I'm proud that we interact with kindness and respect. And I'm hopeful that today will always be a special day for us, because it's when we started our family, even though we are more than slightly non-traditional at this point.
So happy anniversary to us. While I never thought we'd spend it like we are, I'm thankful for it. We will always be family because of the boys.
And that's a great thing.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
And I slowly began to answer those questions. I am focusing on what's right for me, so I don't care what people think. And yes, I'm beyond ready. The tricky part was how to meet people. I work so much, and then pick up the boys and go home. Even on the nights John would have the boys, my friends are almost only comprised of married moms. Not really the best resource of single men.
So I signed up for match.com.
I know. Trust me, I know.
I've actually been on several dates with people I've met on there, and it's been a lot of fun for the most part! We've always met at whatever coffee shop/restaurant/theater and I'm safe and sound. I make sure to tell someone the persons full name (and I show them their picture) prior to going out as a safety fall-back.
The first date I ever had I was so, so nervous about. I'm pretty sure I came across as completely crazy. And I'm pretty positive it wasn't a love match. But I gained experience (and actually a friend) out of it. I've had a date where I'm actually interested in him; so I'm excited to see what, if anything, comes from that.
And I've had bad dates. Dates who weren't what they stated physically (saying you're 5'8" and actually being closer to 5'6") or who were totally concerned about things like money and how to make more of it. And making sun of my haircut and fingernail polish, too!
The bad dates are just as important to have as the good ones. Dating is about making connections, having experiences, and just putting yourself out there. Will I find the love of my life on match.com?
I have no clue. But it's just as possible as meeting them at the grocery store.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Isn't that like the most ominous being of a post ever? Next you'll read something like "THE LIGHTS FLICKERED AND WHEN THE POWER CAME BACK ON, EVERYONE WAS DEAD."
But back to the innocent beginning.
It was a couple of weeks ago, the same day tornadoes ravaged Oklahoma. The boys were upstairs sleeping, and I was downstairs watching my shows like any boring person does. Then I heard it.
The tornado sirens.
After a quick text inquiry asking if that was a bad sign, I threw comforters in the downstairs tub and grabbed the boys. Jonas slept through the entire thing, while Noah kept exclaiming "GOOD MORNING!!" We hung out in the tub for like 20 minutes, and seeing that the worst had passed, I put them back to sleep in their rooms.
I went back to my room, and stripped down, deciding to sit on the bed for a minute before grabbing my nightgown from the bathroom.
And then the power went out.
And stayed out.
And stayed out some more.
After about 20 minutes, I decided that I should:
1. Get dressed, and
2. Go to my parents house, the land of electricity.
The only thing was I couldn't see. Like, anything. After being really unsuccessful feeling my way around to collect clothes and toiletries OR A FLASHLIGHT, I remembered the boys PlaySkool lantern.
Oh, you know the one. The one with the yellow button you have to push, and ten it lights up, playing coyote and cricket noises.
And so I went through the house, pushing the damn yellow button every 30 seconds, the sounds of The Call of the Wild bouncing off the walls.
The lesson of this story? Always know where your flashlights are and never get undressed during a storm because the second you do, your power will go out.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
It's been a hard few months, and like every life-changing event, it's a process. I'm well into the healing process, even though some of the wounds are still tender and raw. I think that John is in the same place.
It'd be easy to point fingers, to place blame on why our marriage failed. But that's not going to happen. It simply didn't; it is what it is. There isn't any juicy gossip or scandal. There was no fighting or violence.
It just is what it is.
He's almost fully moved into his new apartment, and the boys will start spending about half of their time there next week.
It just is what it is.
A lot of people who have been around us together after hearing about our separation have been surprised about how we interact. We are kind, respectful, and acting the same as we did before. We never had a problem getting along; that was never an issue.
My resolution for 2013 was to be kind. To be kinder than I had ever been before, even when it's hard. I didn't know that this was what was in store for me in 2013, but I've tried my hardest to be as kind as possible. You can't stop situations that are out of your hands, but you can change your attitude and perception. I'm thankful that John has been equally as kind.
Do I still love John? Of course. But that love has changed; it's no longer a romantic interest. He's the father of our children, and will always hold a high place in my heart. I believe that John feels the same.
So thank you. Thank you for your kind words, your offers, your love and support. We both have felt it, and I know that it's been appreciated.
Monday, May 20, 2013
But I've found that I can't do this alone.
I've been seeing a counselor for the past couple of months who suggested that I was probably depressed. So she referred me to a clinician, and I've started a low dose of anti-depressants. Will I be on them long term? I don't think so. But as they both expressed to me, it's important to use them as a tool to help me get past this dense fog that I'm in.
Besides the help from the pros, I've been overwhelmed with the sense of love and support that has been so graciously covering me. From long talks while eating salads locked outside of our church, sweet texts and emails from lovely friends, and sheer outpourings of love...I've been really blessed.
The meds are kicking in, the days are getting brighter, and I'm getting stronger. I'm like Mike Tyson hyped up on happy pills.
And yes, I can rock a face tattoo.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
All of these emotions of ring restrained, uncomfortable, and sad sort of manifested into a focus on my hair. My long, long hair. Suddenly looking at my hair brought rage. It was a symbol of being restrained.
And I needed freedom.
So I had it cut off. All of it, save a few inches on the top of my head. My hairdresser cut off at least 12 inches of hair, and I was able to donate 10 inches of it.
And I felt free.
I no longer cared about what this person or that person thought about me as I hid behind a mass of wild hair. I'm more confident in myself, a quality that was lost years ago.
So, come on World. I'm ready to experience you.
Friday, January 18, 2013
As stubborn as he is, I can remember having to remove him from a public place once because of his behavior. Later that night he threw up a lot and ran a good fever, so I can see why he was upset!
And then there's Noah. Little Noah. The other one. He's sweet; he will cuddle for a bit and give kisses. He will sit and read a book with you. He'll offer bites of his food. But I've had to leave places a couple of times now because of his behavior. Like screaming at the top of his lungs while arching his back and turning his head completely around. Twice.
And so I write this from inside the truck with an incredibly angry 18 month old while the other members of our small family purchase our groceries.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
2012 was a big year for our family. From new job roles to news about our future...it was a heavy year.
Jonas turned three in May, and started attending a pre-school program two days a week in September. I am constantly amazed by him. He's such a smart, funny little kid. His vocabulary grows by the minute. He is fascinated by superheroes, namely IronMan and SpiderMan. Don't ask his opinion on Captain America; you may not like his answer. He has become kinder to Noah, although sharing toys isn't always a victory.
Noah turned one in July. He's a bit of a momma's boy, and gets upset if I leave the room. I guess I'm biased, but he's a little smarty, too! He can say most of his larger physical features, and can point to many more. His vocabulary is growing, and can say over 30 words (when his paci isn't in his mouth). He can follow simple commands, and will identify various family members by name or pointing.
In February, I accepted a new role in the office I has been in for over a year. I was in that position from March until October. In November, I accepted and began another position within the company, changing clinics, responsibilities, and my sanity. It's been a difficult transition in ways; I think that any time you have a huge shift in responsibility, there are growing pains. And I've felt (and am feeling) every pinch and stretch of that.
John had a productive year, also changing roles. After a lot of hard work, he graduated from OCS, and is now a 2nd Lt in the National Guard. Which is my lead in for our future.
2013 (and more so 2014) is going to be hard. John will leave in the coming weeks for 3 months of military training on the east coast. And in December of 2013, he is currently scheduled to deploy to the Horn of Africa for a year.
Most of the time I'm okay when discussing it, feigning a smile or nod. And then there are the times it hits me, and I'm gasping for air because my heart hurts just that much.
And that's it, in a nutshell. I'm glad to be back, to use this as an outlet for creativity, to laugh, to cry or yell.
Oh, and we got a cat.