Saturday, April 28, 2012

untitled.

so, i’ve been absent from my blog for a while. and it’s been purposeful because i hadn’t (and still haven’t, honestly) figured out clear, concise way to explain my absence other than the following word:

anxiety.

my social anxiety, while i hate it, is manageable. what started happening several months ago, the OH MY GOD WHY CAN’T I BREATHE panic attacks…those were becoming more and more common. and that’s always fun. my triggers were generally related to work. i found myself locking the door in the restroom at work, sliding along it and unto the floor in full, blown out panic attacks at least weekly. and truth be told, the bathrooms at work are VERY STINKY.

i kept it to myself until i had a particularly bad episode one day in february, texting john that if things didn’t get better soon i’d need to go to the doctor. i decided to do a total lifestyle overhaul; eliminating things from my life that drove me to the edge, changing my diet to a cleaner, healthier way of eating, and starting a consistent exercise regiment. if i didn’t start feeling better after several weeks, i’d go to the doctor to discuss other options. when john got back from his month-long training in charleston, sc at the beginning of march, we jumped right in.

and it’s working, so far at least. i’m feeling better physically, mentally, and emotionally. i’m not saying that it has been easy. and i’m not saying that i haven’t experienced any more panic attacks, because i have. but they are less frequent and less intense than they have been in the past.

so…that’s why i’ve been absent. there’s a sort of shame involved admitting that you are more or less on the verge of losing your shit all of the time. because that’s a great party trick, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?