Saturday, April 28, 2012

untitled.

so, i’ve been absent from my blog for a while. and it’s been purposeful because i hadn’t (and still haven’t, honestly) figured out clear, concise way to explain my absence other than the following word:

anxiety.

my social anxiety, while i hate it, is manageable. what started happening several months ago, the OH MY GOD WHY CAN’T I BREATHE panic attacks…those were becoming more and more common. and that’s always fun. my triggers were generally related to work. i found myself locking the door in the restroom at work, sliding along it and unto the floor in full, blown out panic attacks at least weekly. and truth be told, the bathrooms at work are VERY STINKY.

i kept it to myself until i had a particularly bad episode one day in february, texting john that if things didn’t get better soon i’d need to go to the doctor. i decided to do a total lifestyle overhaul; eliminating things from my life that drove me to the edge, changing my diet to a cleaner, healthier way of eating, and starting a consistent exercise regiment. if i didn’t start feeling better after several weeks, i’d go to the doctor to discuss other options. when john got back from his month-long training in charleston, sc at the beginning of march, we jumped right in.

and it’s working, so far at least. i’m feeling better physically, mentally, and emotionally. i’m not saying that it has been easy. and i’m not saying that i haven’t experienced any more panic attacks, because i have. but they are less frequent and less intense than they have been in the past.

so…that’s why i’ve been absent. there’s a sort of shame involved admitting that you are more or less on the verge of losing your shit all of the time. because that’s a great party trick, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 

Thursday, February 9, 2012

chuckles.

i wish i could say it’s only happened once or twice, but there have actually been multiple (way more that i’d like to acknowledge) times where someone is introducing me to another person, and then says:

you know wendy! she’s the girl whose facebook status updates/blog i read to you! she’s hilarious!

and then the other person is just staring at me, like they’re just waiting for me to spew forth hilarity. on cue. like a trained seal. while i stand there blank faced, my mind silently screaming I AM NOT AN ANIMAL! I AM A HUMAN BEING! I AM A (WO)MAN!

now i’m completely self-aware of what i post on facebook, trying to really reserve that space for either something completely outstanding or somewhat important. which is probably why i can’t bring myself to update my facebook at all. it’s like finding out that you have a poppy seed wedged between your two front teeth hours after you ate lunch. everyone is looking, but no one says anything.

this is what it had to feel like to be britney back in 2007. and 2008. and parts of 2009. the pressure…it’s crushing.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

super

one of the newer things that jonas likes to do is to pretend that he is a superhero. he’ll grab a towel or blanket, wrap it around his neck, and run through the house proclaiming SUPER JONAS TO THE RESCUE! with his little fist clenched, leading the way.

it’s sweet and adorable and makes me smile.

while we were at john’s parents’ house for christmas, jonas was doing his usual super routine. except that this time he’d fling himself to the ground, sadly saying “i can’t doooooo it!”. we finally asked what he couldn’t do, and he said,

“I CAN’T FLYYYYY!”

so john walked over to him, picked him up so that he was parallel to the ground, and helped jonas fly. he was back to the rescue in prime form.

……….

it’s memories like these that make me so excited to raise these two little boys, to watch them grow, to see them experience life every day. it may mean years of walking on tiny lego parts and more hot wheels cars than a toy store, but i can’t wait to see who these boys become.