Monday, August 30, 2010

pizza, pizza

dear sign spinner for eureka pizza,

first, i want to commend you on your dedication. you have firmly planted yourself to the corner of walnut and dixieland. i can count on one hand the number of days i haven’t seen you there. and it’s been really hot this summer.

kudos.

but mister sign spinner, i don’t understand why they would teach you in sign spinner orientation that it’s a good idea to get really close to the curb. or to stick your sign out in front of people driving red beetles while they are pulling up to the light. i have not attended such orientation, but i can’t imagine that’d be advised.

it seems really hazard to your well-being.

i also am not quite sure the marketing team for eureka pizza meant for your spinning sign to be used in a pelvic thrust move. i mean, we all know sex sells. and nothing screams sexy more than pizza and sweaty sign guys.

i can tell that you’re a people person by the way that you interact with the public. people are so busy these days, zooming down the road, taking phone calls, trying to get home to put their very sleepy and grumpy toddler to bed while all he does is BEG FOR A COOOOOOOOKIEEEEEEEE, MAMA. COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKIEEEEEEEEEE.

but you? you like to interact. even if that means mouthing “hey girl” and doing a “sexy” wave while sporting your mirrored sunglasses and puka shell necklace. to the woman in the red beetle. with a very sleepy and grumpy (AND VISIBLE) toddler in the backseat who just wants a COOOOOOOOOOOOOKIEEEEEEE.

maybe you should try the mini-van driving soccer mom in the next lane. she seems more receptive.

sincerely,

wendy

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

to the left, to the left.

this morning on the way to work, i glanced in the rear view mirror to see how jonas was doing. as he lifted one finger in the air, eagerly towards his nostril, i said, “no, no, jonas. we don’t put our fingers in our nose.”

he looked at me and pulled his hand down.

and then he lifted his OTHER hand, raising one finger as he cut his eyes to the left.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

the curious incident of the jeans in the night-time

friday started out well enough. i fell asleep early on thursday, so i actually felt rested when my alarm clock went off at 5:30a. and then i hit snooze. twice.

so i was actually awake at 5:52a, which i didn’t see as an issue. until i remembered at 6:14a that i really needed to transfer my wet jeans from the washer to the dryer so that i could express my love for JEANS DAY at work.

and everything was fine, because i was busy getting the upper part of my body dressed and looking somewhat presentable. except that my dryer decided to sleep in on friday. which basically means that all of my jeans were still wet. so i waited. and waited. and then waited some more. i was staring so hard at that dryer, WILLING IT TO DRY, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE.

apparently my power of persuasion isn’t what it used to be.

which meant at 6:44a i was sprinting upstairs to figure out what i was going to wear. because when they say casual friday, I DON’T THINK THEY MEANT THIS CASUAL. and that’s when i spotted it. my maternity jeans. you know, the kind with the full panel.

the full navy blue panel. the full navy blue panel that SHINES under your white shirt. the full navy blue panel that SHINES under your white shirt which is only acceptable when you’re pregnant.

(john, you can start breathing again. i’m not pregnant).

that navy blue panel on my VERY maternity jeans meant that i needed to change shirts. so i did. and then i realized because it was 6:51a, i really needed to get my child awake and changed so that we could run out the door.

so i did.

after work, on the way to a girls’ night party, i realized that not only did i not pack any sort of snacks or food for jonas, but i didn’t bring a sippy cup. or milk. because the milk at our house? it had soured overnight. which meant that i need to go to walmart at 5pm on a friday night.

after arriving late but having a blast (and staying up WAY past my bedtime) with the girls, jonas and i came home. i put him to bed, and was just placing the gallon of milk in the fridge when the power went out.

at 11p.

and being unable to find neither a flashlight or lighter for a candle, i helen keller’ed it through a kitchen, a living room, up a staircase, and then into our bedroom. fumbling to plug my phone in so that it’d have enough charge on it so that i could actually report the outage.

at 12:46a the lights came back on.

and so began a new day.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

death by volume

literal minutes ago, i got up out of bed because i realized that i hadn’t laid out my clothes for tomorrow. and because i KNOW me, if i don’t pick out EXACTLY what i am wearing the next day the night before, i will change complete outfits 5-6 times in the morning. and frankly, i don’t have time for that.

anyway, so i got up only to see a HUGE beetle in our bedroom. like, not a roach. but a heavy duty beetle. at first i tried to convince zeus to come and eat the beetle. because that’s what dogs do, right? attack bugs?

he decided that the bug was a LITTLE too intimidating and spent the next 10 minutes outside in the hallway. so it was on to plan b. bug spray.

but because the bug spray was downstairs, i jutted into the bathroom and grabbed the first thing i could find that i knew could shoot at least 2 feet.

that’s right. i grabbed my root lifter.

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it was quite the battle royale, but i emerged the victor. while some people feel safer at night sleeping with a gun in the nightstand, i’ll be resting pretty with my redken.

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trust me, the irony of my hero’s name is not lost on me. 

Monday, August 16, 2010

that can’t be good.

last night it was hard for me to go to sleep. my clothes were all laid out, my purse was packed, my teeth were brushed. for today was my first day of work.

okay. so it was really just me and 29 other chicks sitting in a room for orientation for 8 hours. if you haven’t been to an orientation in a while, well…you’re lucky. it’s basically just getting way too much information thrown at you all at once, and they’re just hoping some of the key points stick. it probably didn’t help that i was completely distracted by the girl sitting across the room from me. between her nail clipping, cuticle chewing, and open mouth coughing during the infectious diseases part of the lecture i just couldn’t focus. i mean, that just can’t be good. right?

at lunch we all had to go around and re-introduce ourselves. after hearing “i’m XXXXX and i’ve been a rn for XX years and will be working at XXXXXXX” about 20 times before i had to announce the splendor that is wendy, i quickly realized that i had to think fast on my feet to dazzle the crowd. so i pulled a little “hey, i’m wendy. and i’m SO NOT A NURSE. and i’m going to work at the XXXXXXXXX”.

the masses approved of my humor. bada bing.

there’s a lot of information i’ve got to wade through in regards to benefits, opt in’s or out’s, and gym memberships. after i figure out some of it, i’m going to present it to john to get his final decision.

come on, payday. mama’s missed you. 

Friday, August 13, 2010

professor peacock in the study with the candlestick.

i have an affinity for serial killers.

some, like john, find that unsettling.

it’s not that i love what they do, because i obviously don’t support murder. duh. i think it’s the mindset, the patterns, how they select their victims, the years (hell, decades) that they can live seemingly normal lives until something clicks on in their mind and they act again.

i think that i just love a good mystery. i like to figure things out, understand all aspects of a situation. i don’t know why. i bet it’s because i’m an only child. or something.

anyway, i spend a little time each night watching either an old episode of dateline or a 48 hours mystery on my netbook before passing out. sweet dreams to you, too. while the cases that are highlighted in these shows are rarely the work of a serial killer, these criminals have problems. OBVIOUSLY.

i’ve watched a few episodes where the victim leaves a letter or mentions to a neighbor that if i die, SO AND SO DID IT. at first i thought that was sort of stupid. i mean, come on. if you really feel like someone MIGHT murder you and you know why, wouldn’t you try to off them first? or at least NOTIFY the freaking police or something? CARRY A GUN? MOVE? SOMETHING? but no. they always wind up dead. and by who? oh, JUST THE PERSON THEY MENTIONED 2 WEEKS AGO.

after watching these over and over (healthy, i know), i’ve decided that every month or so, i’m going to tell someone who would be my killer if i wind up dead. so far, i only have a couple on my list.

don’t be alarmed. i don’t really think anyone is out to get me. my list is basically comprised of people that have angered me in a great capacity. so if i wind up dead, it was TOTALLY ANGELINA JOLIE. YUP. IT WAS HER.

team jennifer, all the way.

Monday, August 9, 2010

i’m really fun at parties

so, today i got a job. no big deal.

JUST KIDDING. well, not about the job. i DID get one of those. just kidding about the no big deal part. it’s come just in time, and i’m really excited about the opportunities i’m going to have in my new workplace. i’m working in a small clinic that’s part of a large network of local hospitals and clinics.

today (after receiving the good news) i had to scramble up to the hospital to complete the standard initial paperwork. i also had to get a tb test because my last one is about 2 years old. while getting my tb “stick” the nurse asked a lot of questions about past immunizations. and my basic answer was…UM. I IS HEALTHY, OKAY?

which apparently isn’t a good enough answer.

so she sent me down to the outpatient services area to do my drug test as well as get (AND I QUOTE) just a little blood drawn. i’m guessing so they can see that i’m all good? whatevs.

so after waiting FOREVAH in a stinky waiting room (only stinky because the dude behind me was 970 years old and extremely gassy) i was called back. my nurse was AWESOME, and was cracking jokes with me left and right. because i was most apprehensive about the blood stuff, we decided to do that first.

as she checked my right arm for a vein and found NONE. LIKE, NOT ONE. i swear to you that at that moment i knew what it was like to be a vampire. except less sparkly. i casually mentioned that i usually don’t do so well with stuff like this. she muttered something like, don’t worry, we’ll make it! as she searched for a vein in my left arm. after a few minutes, she finally found one, letting me know that i had puny veins and that this was going to be extra fun for both her and me.

yay.

as she got started, i turned my head to the right to look out the hallway. i know myself, and i know that the second i see my own blood it’s ALL OVER. another nurse came in because we were laughing and that’s when it hit me.

the darkness. around my vision. which QUICKLY became NO VISION AT ALL. i remember saying something like, “ooo so black” and they started holding my head up for me because i wasn’t able to. i also said something about BEING REALLY FUN AT PARTIES.

because that’s all that matters as one nurse is struggling to hold up your head for you while you literally can’t see anything and the other is desperately trying to fill the TWO VIALS she needs so that i don’t have to do this again.

after they were done, i sort of woke up. only to find wet paper towels all over my face, neck, and upper chest and a huge (thankfully empty) bucket in front of me.

the first nurse looks as me and is all NO OFFENSE, BUT YOU LOOK HORRIBLE.

at least i’m fun at parties.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

fifteen

 

jonas,

you’re FIFTEEN MONTHS old! it boggles my mind how much you grow, how smart you are getting, how awesome you are. every day you surprise me with something new, always leaving me on my toes trying to figure out what is coming next. ‘cept for the poop. you’re pretty regular about that.

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in the past week or so, you got to see your daddy. jonas, dude, you love you some daddy. he’s your biggest playmate and i know that he can’t wait until he can come home and play with you every single day.

but, to be honest, if living with us doesn’t work out…i think you’d be almost just as happy living with a pack of dogs. or happier. JUST REMEMBER WHO HAS OPPOSABLE THUMBS, LITTLE MAN. if you could spend all day every day in the middle of a large herd of puppies, you’d be in heaven. from being knocked down by wagging tails to being licked in the eye…you love it all and you want more. hearing you chase them while yelling “PUH PEE” kills me, as does your incessantly patting hand on the couch, signaling the pups that the coast is clear to join you as you polish off your apple juice. 

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you’re also sort of a drama queen. YOU MUST GET IT FROM YOUR FATHER. because when you get in trouble, you usually don’t cry…but rather you FLING yourself to the floor, gnashing the 16 pearly whites. if it wasn’t so amusing i’m sure i’d get annoyed by it. but dang it, your chubby little cankles just waving in the air kill me. 

you’ve also become pretty affectionate. not towards people. but more like cartoons of cats. i don’t understand it. at all. CATS? JONAS. CATS? i mean, dogs i totally understand. gerbils, i gotcha back. heck, even geckos like the one in the geico commercial will work. but cats? SRSLY. your dad is beyond pleased that you love cats because he likes them too. mama? NOT SO MUCH. but anyway, whenever you see a picture of a cat in any of your books, you have to mean forward and give a VERY loud and dramatic kiss to them.

no, i’m not bitter that you won’t kiss me. nor will i file this back into the safe-keeping portion of my memory, only to recall when you are 16 and want to borrow the car.

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jonas, you’re a funny little dude. between stacking your blocks to rockin’ with your jams you bring a smile to our faces ALL of the time. and you’ve totally made me THAT mom who obsessively looks at pictures of her kid and is all ZOMG MY BABY IS NUMBER ONE, RULER OF ALL OTHER BABIES. and as much as i hate that i’ve become like that, it’s too late to stop the production of my JONAS IS DA BOMB shirts that are being made.

we love you. we love your chubby thighs and how they help you dance. we love the way you say BOO! back at us, the way you burrow your head into our shoulders when we tickle you, how you cuddle up against us when you are hurt or scared, and how independent you are…needing to figure things out on your own. the other day i asked your daddy what he loved most about me. and your name was at the top of the list. you have transformed us into being such better people…and for that, we are thankful.

with our love,

mama

Saturday, August 7, 2010

on having a son

after we found out we were pregnant in the summer of 2008, john and i just had a vibe that we were having a little girl. i don’t know why we thought that…maybe it was because john was so excited about having a daughter that it just carried us away.

we had our ultrasound on december 22nd. we decided that we would have them put the “answer” in an envelope that we could open on christmas eve together, and then surprise our families with the news on christmas day.

you could have knocked us over with a feather when we found out that IT’S A BOY! but any ideas of our little girl quickly vanished to be replaced with how amazing our little jonas asher was going to be.

and we were right. jonas is a rad little dude. he’s been all boy from minute one, and i have loved it. loved it all, actually. i love hunting for little guys clothes in the ocean of baby girl stuff. i love having bright and bold colors, fun patterns, and trucks VROOMING through our home. i love all of the balls, the sneakers, the blocks. i love it all.

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i just forgot the part where little boys are sort of, um, gross. and maybe it’s just a baby/toddler thing in general. but little boys are sort of ick, you know?

like, jonas’s new thing is picking his nose. gross, right? and it’s more of a ZOMG I HAVE AN OPENING ON MY FACE I CAN PUT MY FINGER IN! rather than OOO. BOOGERS sort of thing. but that doesn’t make it any less gag-worthy when he has his second knuckle buried up in his nose.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

nerf

i’m beginning to think that john and i should get some stock in nerf. because after the past couple of days that jonas has had, i’m going to start taping nerf balls all over his body as a shield.

i’m not the type of mom that gets all teary when her kid falls down. i’m just not. i think that babies from an early age feed off whatever energy you’re putting out there. so if your 4 week old baby wont stop crying and you are getting really angry because you’re frustrated while you’re holding them, i think that your kid senses it and cries more. so when jonas falls down, i try not to make any sort of big deal about it. yeah, i will sweep him up in my arms if it seems like he’s getting a little upset because i want him to know that i’m there for him, that i’m there to comfort and love him always. but if he just bumps his head? i’ll say something like, we’re okay! and smile really big.

but the past couple of days have been real doozies. he fell down the stairs at my parents house. twice. (and by fall down the stairs i mean he fell off like the first step. BUT I WOULDN’T BE SURPRISED IF DOGGY FOUL PLAY WAS INVOLVED.) and he cried a little because, well, HE FELL DOWN THE STAIRS.

and then today in my mom’s classroom he tripped over something and hit his face really hard on the ground. before he started to cry, i knew that it was going to be a bad one because of the pure hollow thud that there was on impact. so i scooped him up and sure enough, he not only cut his inner lip on his lower teeth, but also busted his nose and was bleeding there, too.

i was actually fine with the bloody lip. maybe because this is his second one? but when i saw the first few drops of blood coming from his little baby squishy nose, i lost it. i started tearing up because my baby, my itty bitty little boy is WAY too young to be getting this hurt.

after maybe 2 minutes of crying, he was done. he wanted to play cars, tears still on his chubby cheeks. and while he sat there and played, making convincing VROOMing noises, i began to measure him for his first fully nerf-lined suit.

patent pending, of course.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

mr. alexander

 

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there’s a lot of things that i love about john. he has amazing qualities and an awesome personality. but one of the things i really enjoy about my husband is that he is a total fox. 

i mean, obviously i knew he was a good looking fella the first day we met (at my first day of work at express when he asked me what my id number was to give me credit for a credit card someone opened). or the time when i asked him if he was doing some sort of tricep pushup on the cashwrap when he was really just stretching a pulled muscle and then he blushed.

and then a year later when we started hanging out, i knew he was my cup of tea because i kept talking to him. and kept talking. and after a week or so of officially dating, someone at work asked me how he was doing and i told them that i was going to marry that boy.

i knew he was a cutie when he wore a toddler sized tigger costume under a purple suit for work one day (uh…at the kid’s shelter for halloween. not the police department) and i couldn’t stop laughing. or when he insisted on wearing his ghostbuster’s costume when we took jonas “trick or treating” at his first halloween.

i knew he was handsome when i saw him in his suit the day we got married. the fit was perfect. the style was meant for him, down to the gently-loved chucks on his feet.

and now?

now he wears a uniform to work daily. and i swear to you right now, it is the hottest i have ever seen him. (well, except for the tigger costume. ROAR!) maybe it’s the authority that comes with both of his uniforms. or the respect that they command. maybe it’s how meticulous he is in getting ready. or how he has this need to serve, protect, and defend people.

all i know is that it’s incredibly sexy and he’s all mine.

Monday, August 2, 2010

journey to the center of the earth

on friday afternoon, i loaded up the car with bags and gear, tossed in a baby and a doggie and we went to oklahoma.

driving with both zeus and jonas in the car solo wasn’t near as bad as i thought it was going to be…and i was really dreading it.  i actually only had to yell at zeus like, twice. once because he tried to come up to the front seat. and the second time because i looked in the rear view mirror to see him straddling jonas trying to steal his snack. ]

we woke up bright and early on saturday morning, and jonas kicked it with aunt carole, uncle zach, and uncle derek while i went to fort sill to get MAH MAN. because it was early in the morning, i decided to forgo showering/getting dressed and to just go in my pajamas. and it was even better when john told me i’d have to GO IN TO SIGN HIM OUT FOR THE WEEKEND. and then i was all hoping it’d just be like, a desk and some dude behind it, in and out. so wrong.

oh, there was a desk and a dude behind it. there was just also every other person who wanted to sign out for the day waiting in line. one friend of john’s tried to chit chat me up but i was way too consumed with the fact that I HAVE ELEPHANTS ON MY PANTS AND USED MY FINGERS TO FRANTICALLY COMB MY HAIR AND DID I EVEN BRUSH MY TEETH?

it was a great weekend of just lounging around and being with friends. and we truly have the best friends you could ask for. these guys, these guys that john met in college…they are like his brothers. we are so blessed that jonas gets to have these people who LOVE him like he was their own in his life. even if some of them like OU. ew.

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i mean, they even baby-sat our kid so that we could take a nap together without worrying about what jonas was getting into. and THEN put him down for a nap, too. 

we dropped john back off this morning so that he could get ready for class tonight, and made the long drive back home.

six more weeks until he’s back for good. and i can’t wait.