Monday, July 26, 2010

i ain’t afraid of no ghost

there’s something about our kid that just makes me insanely proud that he’s ours.

today while at my parents’ house, jonas had just about hit that fine lie that is between being happy and being possessed by demons and projectile vomiting pea soup.  i was trying my best to corral him, get his diaper changed, and hit the road before it got ugly. because it can get ugly quickly. and i’d rather deal with a PISSED AT THE WORLD jonas in the car where he can get it all out and i have no choice but to focus on what’s ahead of me than be somewhere where all i can think about is how pissed he is and how it sucks.

so like i said, i’m trying to get him out the door, but he’s all happy and giggly and stuff. because he’s playing. he’s playing a game that previously i had been the only one privy too. 

yes, he was playing LET’S PUT A BLANKET OVER MY FACE AND WALK INTO THINGS AND THEN FALL AND LAUGH REALLY HARD ABOUT IT!!! it’s actually one of his favorite games and is usually reserved for his bedroom, because that’s the one room where i don’t leave butcher knives and rusty nails scattered across the carpet. i know. helicopter parent, much?

anyway, he’s playing this game where basically he’ll walk towards you with the blanket just hovering on his forehead. once he’s like 5 steps away, he pulls it over his face so that he can’t see. like, at all. and he’ll run into or you’ll scoop him up and call him your itty bitty baby. either way he’s super pleased.

after much thinking, my mom and i have decided that jonas only needs a few things to survive in this world:

diapers, sippy cups on demand, something to bang on, a blanket, and a doggie pillow

that said, who wants baby furniture and rooms full of toys? if you can look past the teeth marks and occasional questionable stain, it’s yours.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

if dhs comes by…

today we went to the lake to visit family from out of town (which will be it’s own post :)). my parents were going to pick jonas and i up somewhere between 8:30-9am, so when the doorbell rang at 8:20 i just assumed it was them.

no. in fact, it was my neighbor who lives in the triplex next door to our house. she started the conversation with a simple:

have you ever seen this car? and gave a description.

while i’m usually pretty observant, i hadn’t noticed this car ever. instead of just saying “ok! just wondering!” she decided to tell me her life story.

in full.


it’s all kind of a blur, but there was something about someone screwing her out of her food stamps, a 30 year old who lives at home and is a hairdresser, an crappy ex-husband-to-be, and someone trying to cause her drama. oh, and if someone from dhs comes over and asks me who all lives at her house, it’s only her and her 2 kids. NOT HER BOYFRIEND, OKAY?!?!?!

my head was spinning a little bit. or a lot. i couldn’t really tell. i was sort of out of it because ZOMG UNSOLICITED INFORMATION FROM A COMPLETE STRANGER AHHHHH.

i quickly snapped back to it when she asked me if i knew the law about shooting someone who was trying to “break in” to your home. i was all like, MY HUSBAND IS A COP. AND SO ARE ALLLLLLLL OF HIS FRIENDS. COPS. LOTS OF ‘EM. BAD BOYS, WHATCHA GONNA DO?

before finishing the song in my head, she was gone. but now i’m completely paranoid that some 30 year old hairdresser is going to get shot next door.

it’s a lovely day in the neighborhood.

Thursday, July 22, 2010



i’m so glad you can’t count yet. because if you could you’d realize that not only is there no 13 month note, but um…this one is like 2 weeks late.


but what’s going on with you?

dude, you’re slimming up. i can almost make out ribs. and i haven’t said anything yet, but man, your abs are looking SWEET. you haven’t really gained any weight (still around 26 lbs), but you look taller. and blonder. you are hanging out in anywhere from 12-18 months clothes, a size 6 shoe, and a size 4 diaper.

you’ve expanded your vocab to the following:

duck, dog, ball, bye bye, mama, dada, gaga (for grammie), no, yeah, go, ba (bite), up, and down

you’ve developed some sort of…i don’t know, face? where you squeeze all of your facial features into the VERY CENTER of your face? i don’t know, but it makes me laugh a lot. add that to your general abilities to make car noise, wookie noises, and farting LOUDLY in public and i’m still shocked why you’re single.

you love the nursery at church, and even walk yourself back there, banging on the door. i don’t know why everytime i hear crying in the nursery i peek in the window to see if it’s you, because it never is. instead, you’ll be standing there, holding a block, looking at whoever is crying like WHOA. I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW YOU WERE IN HERE. OOOH. CHEERIOS.

you’ve recently become the shy baby. like, when anyone comes near you that you aren’t related to, you completely hid your face using my body in whatever way possible, including under my dress. which is fun and all. but you’re heavy. and wiggly. and once whoever it is who has made you shy turns away from you, you beckon them back. CAT AND MOUSE, BABY.

you like to throw balls (or anything that’s round), play with anything that has wheels, and your newest love is DIVING onto doggie pillows. sometimes you miss them, though. which is equally entertaining.

being in the water is also a huge thing for you. actually, yesterday we were outside watering the flowers when you fell into the flower bed. i yanked you up, and you were covered HEAD TO TOE in black soil. it was incredible. especially seeing as i had literally put you in that outfit 10 minutes earlier. but anyway—i decided to just hose you down. and you LOVED every second of it. and when i stopped? you whined a little. so i sprayed you some more. and then some more.

jonas, your daddy and i love you so much. i know for a fact that it breaks your daddy’s heart to be away from you right now. he always wants to know what you’re doing. and he was so glad that you KNEW him when we say him several weeks ago. you mean the world to us…and we are so thankful that we get to watch you turn into this amazing little person.



Sunday, July 18, 2010

a partial family portrait

in my boredom this afternoon, i had the brilliant idea of capturing the STUNNING beauty that is MAMA and JONAS on the web cam.

it’s harder than it looks. 

like, moving toddler + apparently really poorly lit room + general mess of said toddler’s room= some pretty catastrophic photos.

  181411 181418 181419 181449 1814470 1814490181147 181205

i’m just going to assume it’s safe to say that our beauty is too powerful for film. right?

Thursday, July 15, 2010

it’s not a baby ruth.

i’ve been letting jonas feed himself the majority of his meals when we are home. it’s the only way he will learn to eat with a spoon, plus he loves the independence and i like being able to eat my meal, too.

if the meal is something that’s easy to manage, i’ll just wipe him down. but if it’s a serious mess, then we just run to the tub.

so yesterday afternoon after he polished off an especially messy toddler version of spaghetti-o’s, we headed to the tub. bubble baths are a new favorite, so i was excited for him to get to play for a while in the bubbles. only, about 2 minutes after being in the water, he peed.

no problem. i drained the water, and we started over. splash play scrub scrub scrub. just as i was pouring the last cup of water over his head, getting the remaining shampoo out…he leaned forward.

he leaned forward…and then grunted.

and i knew that this wouldn’t be pretty.

after he was finished, he looked at it. and then at me. and then back to it. then back to me. his eyes were really wide as if to say “WHOAAAA. WHAT JUST HAPPENED? WHO POOPED IN THE TUB?”

i wish it had been a baby ruth.

Monday, July 12, 2010

an explanation of sorts

when i was 11, my parents and i planned on spending part of the fourth of july in a movie theater. for a couple of weeks prior it had been decided that we’d watch independence day on the big screen.

and because i was a tween before the word even existed, i had been planning my outfit for weeks. it was going to be the perfect—equal parts sophistication, funkiness, and patriotism. because you know, any outfit that’s decent follows that set of criteria.

yes, my outfit was going to be spectacular for one reason. my hair. my golden locks, still recovering from my decision to “grow up” and have short hair, would be adorned with these:

gold_star_garlandgold star garland, the perfect touch to any hair-do

with these carefully entwined in my hair, anyone who dare lay eyes on me would be overcome with an insatiable envy. the glints of gold, the intricate styling, the sheer patriotism…i mean, who wouldn’t be jealous!?

after hearing my detailed plans (and catching me in the craft closet under the stairs, stars in hand), my mother said “NO.”

that one little word…so piercing, so cruel, so final. didn’t she know that she was silencing the expression of a fashion genius? DIDN’T SHE KNOW SHE WAS RUINING MY WORLD? WHY MUST SHE RUIN MY LIFE?

and so i went to the movies. arms crossed, chin down, and hair so excruciatingly plain.  the popcorn had no buttery, joyful taste, the red hots seemed so-so. i had been stifled. i prayed that one day i’d arrive.


i can’t begin to explain the absolute joy that coursed through my veins when it recently became fashionable to wear hair baubles. i rarely go into public arenas without some sort of obscenely loud and large, sparkly if i can help it, hair accessory. i’m fairly certain i’m the only one who isn’t a scene kid or a toddler wearing these things, but i don’t even care.

so if you’re behind me in the movies and can’t see the screen due to the huge flower attached to my head, i’m sorry. you can take it up with my mother.

Friday, July 9, 2010



so today i had a job interview. and i’m totally not going to go into specifics, because i have no clue if i have the job. and i wont until like, the end of the next week. 

job interviews are tricky….you want to present yourself in the best light, but you don’t want to seem fake. you want to be genuine, but you don’t want to allow negative information get through. you want them to get you, but you don’t want them to get you. if you know what i mean.

to prepare for this interview, i picked the minty-est green dress and paired it with the reddest of cardigans and flats. because who needs to practice interview questions or review the perfect answers when you have a minty-green dress and red flats!?


i do hope i get this job. i mean, besides the whole one income thing sort of sucking, i actually really liked the atmosphere of the office and the other employees. the little tour i had was great, and i actually think i’d fit in really, really well.

and if i don’t get the job? well, i’ll be sad. DUH. but i’ll deal. because that’s what this season of john and my life has been all about…learning to deal when things are hard. we’ve both grown so very much during this period, learning to support each other with our all from afar and learning to lean on each other when everything else seems to fall away. we’ve become accustomed to life throwing us huge curve balls…and sometimes striking us out. but we keep on going, together. 

but between you and me?

i rocked it.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

so gassy.

a couple of weeks ago, i looked outside the front window to see two elementary-aged girls coming to the front door. because it was just a bit past 8pm and jonas had finally gone to sleep, i headed them off and opened the front door before they got there. because all i really needed was a ringing doorbell to wake up the monster.

at first i assumed that they were selling something or that the dog was out. but zeusy was at my feet and because it’s summer, there’s no school fundraisers.

the older of the two was pretty shy, and within 5 minutes my neighbor pulled into their driveway, so she left to talk to them. but the younger one. oh holy sweet baby jesus child.

i learned way too much about the younger one.

in the 25 minute conversation (okay. whatever. it was just her talking and me nodding and saying i needed to go) i learned that her dog just got new food because it was gassy, that she gets gassy when she’s nervous, one time she was at camp and was sharing a bed with a girl and she was SOO gassy, that she has mosquito bites where it’s indecent to itch, and that her grandma is the secretary at her best friend’s school.

it was agonizing. i mean, i like kids. i truly, truly do. but i also like kids that are around their parents so the parents can tell them to chill out when they’re just being TOO MUCH. and hell, i like kids that i actually know. talking to our pastor’s kids/other kids at church? i like that. BECAUSE I KNOW THEM.

i honestly thought that would be it. that’d be the end. no more.

i was so wrong.

a couple of days ago, jonas again has been down for the night for maybe 15 minutes when i hear the doorbell. and i’m all like HELLZ NO. because i wasn’t frankly in the mood to chitchat with a 8 year old for the next hour, i moved my “work station” of bills and laptop to the spare room. then i heard the banging on the door.

then i heard the bell ring 7 times in a row. after about 3 minutes passed, i honestly thought i was in the clear.

but then they rang the doorbell 11 MORE TIMES, with more knocking.

and then jonas woke up screaming. mama’s a little pissed. by the time i calmed him down and went to the door, they were gone.

after what i thought was a HUGE hint that you know, if someone doesn’t answer the door it doesn’t mean to KEEP DOING IT, it happened again today.

DID YOU READ THAT? IT HAPPENED AGAIN TODAY. this time i was actually in the middle of a phone call and jonas was napping (and i promise that my child doesn’t just sleep all day.). so i once again walked to the other room to finish my phone call as they pounded on the door and rang the bell.

i’m going to admit (like you couldn’t already tell) that i’m a pretty passive aggressive person. it’s annoying and i hate it, but it’s who i am. i mean, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, i actually starting writing a note to the parents of these damn kids. it was actually a really nice note, because i have no clue who these people are. but then i kept thinking about and how much it must suck to find your letter on there and I KNOW MINE WOULD BE THE PERFECT FODDER, so i canned it.

but besides be just really rude, risk being the mean lady old lady on the street, what are you supposed to do? i know that my parents would have killed me if they knew i was knocking on strangers’ doors. i could understand it if i had a kid that was near their age but GIVE ME A BREAK, HE’S 14 MONTHS OLD.

now, if you’ll excuse me, i need to go sit on my front porch and yell at the neighbor kids as they ride their bikes down the street.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

the battlefield

today jonas and i went to a play-date with two girls i went to school with back in the day. it was a fantastic event, and we look forward to future experiences like that. i think that one of the reasons that it went well was that it seemed that all three of us had a similar-enough parenting style.

i’ve got to say that there are certain people that i’d be terrified to have a play-date with. not because i think that they’d pull a knife on me or have a huge marijuana plant in their bathtub (well. maybe. you never know. BUT I’M MARRIED TO A COP. JUST TO PUT IT OUT THERE.). it’s even worse than that.

i’m totally terrified that i’ll get pulled into a group that’s either filled with ├╝ber fundies that will judge me for my lackluster length of hair and love of pants or a group of people who write unintelligible facebook status updates. because we all know I LURVE trying to decipher them. and honestly, who doesn’t? RITE, GURRRL? GIT WAT I MEAN? 4 REEL. LOLZ.

play-dates/groups are really a mystery to me. i think that they’re important for the gaggle of SAHMs out there for a chance to not only teach their kids to interact with other short humans, but also a time for those mamas to compare notes, kick back, and just relax.

but on the other hand (and i know it’s just me because I AM THE MOST COMPETIVE person on earth), i think it’s a chance for mom’s to size up the competition. these are the kids that your child will be fighting against on the playground. these are the children that your child will be playing organized sports against. these are the kids that your child will go up against when it comes to college scholarships.

so bring it on, mamas.

you know, as long as i approve of your facebook status updating abilities.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

lord of the fruit flies

do you know what’s awesome?

oh, you don’t? well, let me tell you.

it’s awesome to return after a 4 day trip to a home where fruit flies have invaded due to a bunch of bananas that are past their prime.

i think that jonas may have broken (or hairline fractured) my nose. i thought he was being all sweet and stuff by coming in for a kiss.

instead he knocked the hell out of my nose. it bled. he clapped.

he’s tasted blood. and he’s hungry for more.

zeusy wasn’t de-tufted during his stay at the “breese hilton”, so it was a cool surprise to find that my from my shoulders to the back of my knees where coated in dog hair from his seat in the backseat.

it was even better to discover this 15 minutes after entering walmart.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

the few, the proud, the husband.


do you remember the feeling you had when it was christmas eve, just in the beginning hours of christmas morning? when the excitement and anticipation of knowing that there are going to be some amazing gifts waiting for you? and then christmas morning comes and EVERYTHING that you could have wished for was there, waiting for you under the tree? and just when you thought you had died and gone to heaven, you turn your head and FAR underneath the tree there is one more box to open?

that’s how my weekend was. that’s what it felt like to get to be with john for three days in a row. and that bonus gift? the one hidden way under the tree? that was getting to see him again for literally 30 seconds sunday morning.

watching him almost tear up while he watched jonas walk for the first time. falling asleep on the comfy bed with him…only to pull jonas up with us for an extra long nap. stealing kisses and hugs whenever i could. watching john and jonas play chase, peek-a-boo, and general rough housing.

it was my perfect christmas morning.

if you’ve never been able to attend a military graduation of any kind, i suggest you make friends with someone in basic and go. the precision of EVERYTHING is incredible. from the way that their chairs all made the same slapping noise as they all stood together to the sound of 184 voices reciting the solider’s creed:

I am an American Soldier.

I am a Warrior and a member of a team. I serve the people of the United States and live the Army Values.

I will always place the mission first.

I will never accept defeat.

I will never quit.

I will never leave a fallen comrade.

I am disciplined, physically and mentally tough, trained and proficient in my warrior tasks and drills. I always maintain my arms, my equipment and myself.

I am an expert and I am a professional.

I stand ready to deploy, engage, and destroy the enemies of the United States of America in close combat.

I am a guardian of freedom and the American way of life.

I am an American Soldier.


there is no way you will not be moved.

i can’t begin to express how proud i am of john. his personality was meant to serve others. it was evident before, just based on his lines of work (the children’s shelter and then the police department). but watching him in his newest role, as a soldier…i am so grateful to be married to a man who is willing to give everything.

and because i’m completely lame and the only picture i took of the entire ceremony was of an UPLIT AMERICAN FLAG, i have no photo documentation of john’s graduation. or when he tripped a little coming down the stairs. or how hot he looks in his military uniforms.

but trust me. it’s hot.