Tuesday, June 29, 2010

road trip, the pre-pack list

on wednesday, jonas and i will embark on our first cross-country road trip. and by cross-country i basically mean that we will leave the wonder that is northwest arkansas and head straight to the pit of hell that is lawton, oklahoma.

i don’t know about you, but i for one am so excited to drive FIVE HOURS ONE WAY with a one year old. and if it becomes a battle of who will survive, i’d place my bets on the one who still poops their pants (um, jonas).

i’ve been slowly packing and gathering and stuffing and tucking and cramming things. because with a menace to society toddler like i have, you can never pack enough mace. kidding. we prefer tasers. while i’ve always judge the parents who put their toddlers on a leash (and you can say all you want that it’s just a cute monkey backpack with a really long tail for you to hang on to! oo! IT’S A LEASH. RUFF RUFF.), i’ve found myself being pulled to their strong pull in each store i go. (don’t worry. jonas won’t be sporting harness). but jonas is requiring enough items to fill a small uhaul himself.

and then there’s john. my hot little husband. who is basically requesting that i pack entire left side of our house. and i get that he’s only asking because he’s been without stuff for so long, and we don’t want me to have to ship a ton of stuff to him later.

so tonight he sends me a text with everything that he wants me to bring to him. it’s a lot of basic stuff, plus some things like ether net cords which he had to describe to me so i’d grab the right thing. and then he mentioned something like “WOW. I WISH WE HAD A SPARE TV LOLZ.”*

lolz indeed, john. lolz indeed.

and then he casually mentions that maybe a change of clothes or something. YOU WANT ME TO BRING YOU A TV, BUT ARE ON THE FENCE ABOUT CLOTHES? so of course, i’m now waiting for said clothes to dry. because i’m not just bringing him a change of clothes. i’m actually giving him options. you know, like a couple pairs of shorts, jeans, and several shirts. i don’t know how often he’ll be allowed to wear street clothes, but come on. just ONE change of clothes?

*lolz was not actually said. but because it’s 11:42pm and i just had a waffle for dinner, i’m taking poetic license. whatevs.

Monday, June 28, 2010

two

two years ago today, we got married.

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two years ago today, i walked down the aisle to this song.

"The Way I Am"
If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.
Cause I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.
If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.
Cause I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.
I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.
Cause I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.

two years ago today, friends and family gathered to celebrate our vows.

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two years ago today, our friends made you blush.

(it’s okay, i blushed too).

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two years ago today, we shared our first meal as husband and wife. cake.

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two years ago today, we were so silly.

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two years ago today, we started our lives no longer as two, but as one.

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and today, today i love you more than i did two years ago.

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happy anniversary, johnny.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

headbanger

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jonas in happier times.

so, um. jonas bangs his head. and i’m trying to not be all MY CHILD IS AUTISTIC because apparently like 30% of kids bang their heads? and boys are like a million times more likely to do it? and it should wear off by age 3? but i need to talk to the doctor if it hasn’t by then? it’s normal?

yeah. i’ve not panicked at ALL about this. and it’s not so much a panic as it is RESEARCH EVERYTHING possible because it cannot feel good to crouch above the ground and drive your head onto it. over. and over. and over.

he normally just does it when he’s really frustrated. like, you know, when i’m the meanest mommy on earth for not letting him play with my laptop. or that time when he tripped over his own feet? or once when i made him wait upstairs in his room while i refilled a sippy cup with milk.

i think it’s hitting me hard that we’re officially entering the toddler zone. he can’t communicate what it is he wants/emotions/needs. when i’m not “getting it” (or he’s not getting his way), there’s a little flailing, a little dramatic crying, and some good old headbanging.

sometimes, i lose my patience.

but i really have been trying to let him get the frustration out, pick him up when he’s done, and talk to him calmly (as possible) about how i understand how hard it is, that i’m sorry that i don’t understand what it was he was wanting/why he can’t have or do what he wanted, and that we will figure it out. he calms down, is able to breathe again, and usually perks right up. i know that he really has no idea what i’m saying, but i figure that if i keep doing it eventually he will? maybe.

and if not, then i just leave the room and bang my head on the floor.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

death by cheddar pepper

yesterday i had an hankering for cheddar peppers. from the sonic. it was almost more than a hankering but an internal desire that i MUST HAVE THE CHEDDAR PEPPERS.

so i pulled my butt into sonic and got some.

if you’ve been to my house, you know that we live a little ways out. not too far, but just far enough that the delicious fried peppery smell was driving me crazy.

i looked at the bag, which was practically TAUNTING me with its greasy goodness and decided that eating just one little cheddar delight wouldn’t hurt anything.

oh, how wrong i was.

because immediately after biting into the cheddar pepper morsel i not only realized that the ENTIRE pepper was dangling from my mouth but SWEET LAWSIE the cheddar was BURNING A HOLE INTO THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH. QUICKLY.

my vision started to cloud with tears and i might have dramatically coughed loudly a few times when i heard it.

the train. and i was just crossing the tracks.

and then i decided that THIS WAS IT. I WAS GOING TO DIE. (not to be confused with the other time i died. or something). the headline would read:

ANGELINA JOLIE LOOK-ALIKE* HIT BY SMALL TRAIN ENGINE WHILE BLINDED BY FIERY CHEDDAR PEPPER.

i quickly regained my composure while jonas looked equal parts confused and like he was pooping his pants. fast food kills, man.

*who are we kidding? angelina would KILL for my looks.

do fries come with that shake?

jonas is a boy of my own heart. and thighs.

20856_686700040657_20603615_38949369_483226_nand yes, yes. there were fries with his shake. 

(and ignore that large spot thingie on his face. he totally clawed his little face off in his sleep the other day because he heard it was gangsta or something.)

 

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

wendy and the world cup

 

i’m going to be honest. because you know, i usually just lie.

i really don’t get soccer. i don’t understand the sport. i don’t understand the passionate fans. i don’t understand why everyone is yelling at referees who are in like, south africa or something because of lame calls. or something. i don’t understand why the ball is black and white. or why the goalies wear really ugly outfits.

i’ve only played one game of soccer in my life. it was at a church camp in the middle of texas. this camp (like i’m sure at many others) had a myriad of intramural sports available for the various churches to send teams to. i was on the softball team (which just so HAPPENED to be the intramural CHAMPS that year, BAYBEE!).

i played softball because i don’t run. period. i’m able to hit the ball hard enough that it goes far enough over the outfielders’ heads, leaving me to jog my hardest to each base. i’m sure that if i was fast at all i could have been a homerun queen with every at-bat. but alas, i know my weakness.

and that is running. and the possibility of physical contact in a sport.

so i’m there just watching the soccer game our church team is in, when one of the girls frantically comes up to me and tells me to get on the field.

yeah, no.

apparently the other girl who was supposed to be there was detained because of her basketball game and was trying to hurry. but because there weren’t the required number of players on the field, our team would have to forfeit unless i stood in.

yeah, no.

i think after looking at her like she was CRAZY, she promised me that i could quite literally just stand on the field and do nothing. and i could even run away if the ball came near me as long as i stayed on the field.

so there i was, standing in the corner of the soccer field in absolute fear. i had no clue what to do and OMG THE BALL CAME WITHIN 15 FEET OF ME DIE! i thought i was going to cry when i saw that the other girl was running towards to the field to put me out of my misery.

it was the longest 10 minutes of my life, save childbirth (because that lasted HOURS).

and after all of that, i wasn’t even named MVP. can you believe that?

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

the one where i lose my mind.

i think that the army likes to play mind games.

i know. that’s crazytalk. i’m just a giany crazytalker here, don’t mind me!

but seriously. the other day i got a letter from john where he’s all like “um…i possibly might potentially have some bad news”. apparently there’s this nasty, nasty rumor going around his little part of the base that people who are doing the same AIT program as him immediately following graduation from basic could have their program extended from 10 weeks to 20 weeks.

nice, right?

but because it’s the military (and john is just about as low on the food chain as they come at this point) you really don’t find out any information. ever. so he asked me to do a little research while he asked the liaison what was going on.

my little bit of research pretty much just pissed me off. from what i gather, they wont really extend your time after they tell you how long your training will be. THEY’LL JUST KEEP YOU ON BASE UNTIL THEY’RE READY. one dude i read about has been in this “underhold” status for SIX MONTHS waiting for his training to start. SIX MONTHS. OF DOING NOTHING. ON BASE. HOURS AWAY FROM FAMILY.

right now we’re just hoping it’s just the rumor we think it is. because neither of us are excited about the idea of being separated for  longer than we need to be at this point.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

good v. evil

my parents (unfairly) are in vegas right now. living it up. being high rollers. early-bird buffets at 4pm.

so when i heard about the details of their trip, i decided to be SUPER DAUGHTER. which for me really just means that i offered to drive them to the airport and pick them up so that they wouldn’t have to pay any fines.

oh. and one more thing.

i offered to “dog”sit.

meet sebastian, my little brother.

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he’s a bichon frise. which i think is french for “whiney and spoiled”. in all honesty, i love this little dog. he truly IS a good dog. he’s just a little high maintenance.

he doesn’t do a lot of outside time, he rings a bell to let you know he needs to potty, he likes A LOT OF PILLOWS, your food will always be the food he wants, and he barks.

a lot.

i am apparently just stupid because i went into this 4 day long venture thinking that everything would be a-okay. that sebastian would spend the majority of time with me, sleep in my bed at night (“NO, mom and dad! no need for a kennel!”), and zeusy would just handle it. do his outside thing like he usually does. whatever.

I WAS SO WRONG. because zeus has BEEN ALL UP IN MY BUSINESS for the past couple of days. i can’t leave him outside because he’s overcome with jealousy. and jealousy in his world means BARKING. ALL OF THE TIME. and SITTING ON MY HEAD. A LOT.

the biggest issue has been night time. zeusy normally either sleeps outside OR sleeps on the floor in our room. he just sheds too much to really be in bed unless its a special occasion (like, the night john left). so imagine my NOT SO HAPPY FACE when i spent my entire night sandwiched between two dogs, each vying for my attention. sebastian took the left side and zeusy took the right. throughout the night they’d each make several passes OVER MY BODY to see what was going on on the other side.

it’s like the most epic battle of good v. evil. and they’re winning.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

impossible.

 

after becoming (painfully) unemployed a couple weeks ago, i decided that it was the perfect time to GET THINGS DONE. you know. like laundry. and dishes. and moving stacks of books from one shelf to another with a critical eye.

my success rate so far on my venture? not so good.

but i swear it isn’t my fault.

instead, i have photographic evidence of WHO the real culprits are.

photo

a small child eating meatloaf whilst watching a Veggie Tales film.

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a small child swimming.

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a small (cannibalistic) child.

 photo4

he got it from his mama.

 photo5

a small dog invading the personal bubble.

after viewing those (graphic) photos…can you blame me and my lack of “doneness”?

i think not.

Friday, June 11, 2010

and then they shoot dye in my tubes…

after his morning nap, i got jonas ready to run some errands. you know, buying stamps at the post office, lucky charms and diapers at target…the usual. while we were out, i decided that he was probably really hungry for lunch (and i was, too!).

so chick-fil-a it was! chick-fil-a is really the only fast food place i’ll go inside of to eat when it’s just me and jonas. they have a great little stash of things for my “toddler”, and bring the food to your table! you can’t beat that.

so we’re sitting there, munching on our lunch when the ladies in the booth behind me started talking. by looks, i’d guess that they are both in their late 20’s, one with a  little boy and the other with a pre-school age little girl. the kids just went off to play when one mom mentioned to the other how big the little girl was getting!

the other mom paused, and replied, “yeah, i know. she’s 90th percentile in height, which is fine. but she’s also 90th percentile in weight. i really hope that doesn’t continue to be a trend. i mean, those are SIZE FIVE shorts she is wearing! FIVE!”

and that’s about when my head started to spin around and ‘round. i might have even choked a little on my delicious spicy chicken sandwich while she went on to talk about how she did a half marathon earlier in the year and after it was over she TOTALLY COULD HAVE RUN IT AGAIN!!! RIGHT THEN!! and then something about having fertility issues and that their doctor was going to shoot dye into her tubes to check them out.

I JUST WANT TO EAT MY WAFFLE FRIES IN PEACE, PEOPLE. i don’t need to hear about how AWESOME you are, how you think your preschooler is overweight, or the functionality of your fallopian tubes.

after hearing all of this, i looked down at jonas. my amazingly adorable child with a lucky charm marshmallow stuck to his  right cheek and a gap in his teeth. and i almost teared up because i’m so very lucky to enjoy our son just the way HE is.

“you made my whole being; you formed me in my mother’s body. i praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way. what you have done is wonderful. i know this very well. you saw my bones being formed as i took shape in my mother’s body. when i was put together there, you saw my body as it was formed. all the days planned for me were written in your book before i was one day old.” psalm 139:13-15

Monday, June 7, 2010

ahh. jello.

so to be honest, i’ve started several different times this past week to write something that’s going on in our life. and i’ve come up with zilch. zip. nada. cero.

i mean, yeah…we practically are BFF’s with the Jamie Foxx. but when i try to think of entertaining things that we’ve done, i’m drawing a blank. so instead, you’re getting bits and pieces, one-breath style.

jonas has been a pill lately. like, he’s been all clingy and MAMA and stuff. which is so sweet and nice and cute except when we’re trying to have lunch at my mom’s school and he wont eat, wont drink out of the sippy cup i’ve provided because it’s NOT THE RIGHT ONE, and WILL NOT LET ME PUT HIM DOWN. so instead i got to stand up while trying to eat a turkey dinner in a teacher’s lounge while my usually awesome baby was all I HATE MY LIFE.

and then my mom put my leftover, basically full 20oz coke bottle in my diaper bag so i could enjoy it later. except that about 3/4s down the hall at her school i realized that the seal SUCKS on coke bottles and now i’m looking at roughly 1oz of coke in a bottle and 17oz of coke in my diaper bag, on my shoe, on my leg, and making a nice trail that only hansel and gretel would envy down the hall.

so then later that day my parents take jonas and i out to eat for dinner, and jonas is all I HATE MY LIFE and so we eat in shifts.

later, while it’s just baby j and i in the car going home, he’s all snore snore snore BARF. and do i mean barf. that kid puked HOT PINK vomit from his head to the floor boards. and he was all limp and still asleep but awake and really confused. i clean him up, put him to bed, clean the car, and check on him. to find him BURNING UP. like 102.1 degrees from the good ole’ butt thermometer burning up. and oh yeah, he’s puked HOT PINK again. so tylenol, a call to the doc, and madly googling causes of HOT PINK vomit for LITERALLY 3 hours only to realize that it’s because AHH. I FED HIM RED JELLO EARLIER TODAY and my child is NOT BLEEDING INTERNALLY i go to bed. because that’s all that i can really do, right?

and that was just friday. saturday was low-key and such, as was sunday. today i was all mopey and I MISS MY HUSBAND BOOHOO so i didn’t change out my pajamas (black leggings and tank) and put on one of johnny’s shirts that still smell like him. so i was being hugged all day by him (or something equally lame that sounded all meaningful when i said it in my head but when i actually think of it sounds a little more than weird. and yes, i talk to myself both silently and aloud. whatevs.).

right about now you’re wishing that you hadn’t even opened your browser today, and yet at the same time thinking, “well, she could be danielle from real housewives of new jersey”.

and to that all i can say is,

“PAY ATTENTION, PUH-LEEZE!”

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

i wear my sunglasses at night

tonight (after leaving my parents’ house), i had a hankering for some sherbet. (sidenote…do you say sherBERT or sherBIT?). so i pulled into the fancy schmancy wal-mart in our small town to run in and soothe my desire.

for those who are unaware, i live in the city NEXT to the city that is the world headquarter’s for wal-mart. (another sidenote, but i’m FROM the city that’s the world’s largest chicken distributor. i’m a big deal). this time every year, from bentonville to fayetteville, thousands upon thousands of shareholders invade our area for activities, tours…all the usual. besides a lot of regular folks, big name musicians perform free concerts and there are A LOT OF CELEBRITIES in the area.

imagine my surprise while walking to the ice cream aisle when i saw

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um, stock photo because there were some REALLY big and scary men around him.

yup, that’s right, jamie foxx was in the local wal-mart filming a commercial about something. i was sort of awestruck when i was tapped on the shoulder by some man wearing a suit and a blue-tooth headset. he said something about being jamie’s “people” and that jamie was looking for a co-star for his newest film. i started to get really flattered and all “no no no, well, okay!” when he said that the co-star needed to be a one year old white boy. apparently the character is a one year old white child that jamie foxx’s character is teaching to be a world class assassin.

jonas starts filming next month.

OKAY. WHATEVER. so that really didn’t happen. BUT jamie foxx really was there in wal-mart.

so was this guy:

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um, obviously not a stock photo because there weren’t any big and scary men around him.

i mean…really? are you really riding a segway in wal-mart? with gold rims? i sort of tried to brush the oddness out of my mind, but that was total ruined when i saw him getting an order of chicken wings at the deli counter on my way out.

and that is NOT made up. it’s too good to be a lie.