Saturday, May 1, 2010

roar.

i gotta say, i really do think that this prayer stuff works. besides having comfort/peace/ease the past few weeks, i have to let you all know that i witnessed a miracle yesterday.

yesterday, my friends, i started the lawn mower.
by myself.
not once.
but twice.

now for most of you this may seem like no big deal at all. it's a LAWN MOWER, for goodness sake.
but i have NEVER IN MY LIFE (okay, the 2 yrs+) that we've had it been able to start it. not once. i wish i was kidding, that i wasn't such a pansy that starting my own lawn mower was an issue.

but i am THAT pansy.

and i don't know why, but the simple act of starting the lawn mower has made me such a nervous wreck the past month or so. i mean, it's a LAWN MOWER. but this lawn mower...the ability to start it, was so much more than just a lawn mower.

you know?

but last night, i pulled it out of the garage. and i primed it. and then i pulled the cord once. and then a second time.

and it started.
and then i cried.

because i can do this.
i miss john.
i miss john more than i can ever express.
it's kind of like when you have this routine that you don't even realize you have until one day something alters it.
and then you feel like it's hard to breathe because you've lost your way and now you're just spiraling out of control.

i miss john like that.
like it's a little harder to breathe because he's not here.

but being able to start the mower?
being able to do that makes the burden lighter.
makes the realization that I'VE GOT THIS more real.

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