there isn't a personal loss on my part from her death; while we were in a wedding together (where i was completely annoyed the entire time because she was wearing a size 4 dress at 7 months pregnant) and knew each other, it wasn't like we were friends. she wasn't someone who i thought of daily. or even weekly. outside of status updates on facebook, photos posted to share with the world, i would have no idea where she was in her life, what she was up to. i'm not writing this because i want to evoke a "poor wendy, i'm sorry for your loss" response. because there isn't.
no, i'm writing this because i can't seem to work through the thoughts in my mind with any sort of dexerity. i'm finding myself stumbling over what's appropriate to think, to say, to wonder. i'm finding myself in an almost awe-struck state, not able to wrap my mind around the dark and scary place she had to have been.
and why her, of all people, am i finding myself fumbling?
because this girl, this girl wasn't just a girl.
she was a wife.
and mother to five children at the age of twenty-five.
and it's mother's day.
speaking with a friend about this via text this afternoon, we both agreed that she would have been one of the last people we would have ever expected this from. that's just based on what she'd put out there for the world to see, commenting on how wonderful her life is with her husband and children, about romantic dates and t-ball games, painted toenails and the massive collection her four daughters had obtained. her life was almost annoyingly perfect.
or so it seemed.
this all seems eerily reminicent of the virgin suicides, a personal favorite book and film.
i cannot begin to imagine what made her choose this path. what made her end her life. to leave her husband and children, ages 6 months to 6 years. one could speculate that depression ran in her family...her younger brother took his life in december of 2008. one could always say postpartum depression overwhelmed her. one could think that perhaps there was an issue in her marriage. and so forth. and so on.
there are so many what if's and why's. and i don't want to know why she chose to end her life. why she chose Mother's Day weekend of all days. what she was thinking those final hours. it's not our place to know why someone did what they did, especially something so final.
but it is our place to care. and to care about the living. what we can do is be sensitive to others. listen to their cries. ask people how they are really doing. offer ears willing to hear, and a mouth that stays shut unless advice is requested. turn off the "judgement spout" that can flow so freely. when issues appear to be much bigger than you're able to handle or help with, recommend places like the NSPL...because they CAN help.