Saturday, May 29, 2010

scorned

alas, i am a woman scorned.

by who? by an etsy seller. theBabyMoon to be precise. you may find yourself wandering over to etsy right now to see that her site NO LONGER EXISTS, which is awfully convenient when she has stolen money (albeit only $30) from me. but i’m just a small fish in a very large pond, it seems. because there are other ladies…20 PLUS other ladies who have given this woman hundreds and hundreds, possibly near a thousand dollars…with no product in return.

so when you’re a former etsy-seller on the lamb, you might think it wise to make it where you know, people can’t find your personal information on social media websites, julie bass morris. because now that i know you live in tifton, georgia i just might be contacting the other scorned buyers from etsy and giving a little call to the local police department.

you know, if i was like that.

oh, wait. i am.

so thanks to you facebook, for allowing me to have additonal, vital pieces to my puzzle against this bad etsy woman.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

dooce’d

today has been a really, really bad day. a bad day that rounded out an already really, really bad week. long story cut very, very short- i lost my job today. and i’m honestly really not okay with it. at all. because it’s really nice to not have gainful employment when you have just bought a house and your husband isn’t anywhere near you to give you a hug or dry your little tears.

oh, and that husband doesn’t know that i am no longer employed. which is awesome. because i’m so looking forward to spending my time during our weekly phone call explaining what happened, interrupted by tears and at&t’s uncanny ability to drop our calls every 45 seconds.

i’m really trying hard to see the positive in this. because there are honestly some good things that have come from this, which include:

  • leaving an environment that left me frustrated on more days than not
  • i won’t have to touch dirty dentures anymore (even though i always wore gloves…icky)
  • hoping to experience things NOT in a family run small business
  • we have enough money to cover our bills for a good little bit

of course, all of that silver lining sort of gets demolished by the ole’ I DON’T HAVE A JOB ANYMORE OMG NOT BY CHOICE mental screaming that’s going on between my ears.

do you want to know the funny thing about this all (and of course you’re saying “yes, yes!”)? i totally was going to write a post last about how SUCKY it was to work where i did only because of a certain “female dog” that was there…but didn’t because i was afraid of getting “dooce’d”.  and i still wont go there, because that’s just too much negative energy for me to handle right now.

so, i’ve been unemployed for about 5 hours now. i’ve filled out several applications already, and am looking up on how to file unemployment.

yay.

Friday, May 21, 2010

around here lately

i have been BUSTING my butt trying to get our house together. i'm not very good at it, decorating does NOT come naturally to me, and i've found that my style is weird enough that i don't have any friends to ask for advice. but i'm on a semi-deadline...i think the gals from church are brunching here in june, and while john doesn't come home until mid to late september, i want everything looking amazing and homey and such. my grandparents and parents are coming over in the morning to help me mow, organize the garage and guestroom/office, and i think my closet? but i might have lied about that last part. i did request a TALLLLLLLLLLL ladder though because wouldn't you know that the only lightbulbs that have gone out in our house are the ones that are like 12 feet in the air? figures.

jonas is a big help. you know, doing handmotions to 'twinkle, twinkle little star' and quacking like a duck, as well as "vrooooming" and his new trick today? his chewbacca impression. it's insane how much he sounds like a wookie. AND how loud he can do it in public. and lately he's been doing the whole LET'S FART REALLY LOUD IN PUBLIC AND EMBARASS MOMMY. it's one of his favorite games, evah. and then he's all like, MOM. (because he actually does say MOM to me. awesome.) and then he tries to feed himself and i didn't even realize you could get turkey stew THERE.

i miss john a lot, a lot. but on sundays we get to talk for most of the afternoon on the phone EXCEPT WHEN AT&T SUCKS AND DROPS OUR CALL FOR THE 358th TIME IN A ROW so we resort to textin'. not to be confused with sextin'. because that's kind of ickyish. and we write letters like penpals in 4th grade. it's so sweet and lovely and i cherish and POUR over each letter we get from him. and i know he does the same.

AND WTF IS UP WITH THE EARTHQUAKES? srsly, we live in ARKANSAS. we don't have oceans, beautiful beaches, flawless weather...we have to endure HUGE mosquitos and endless ants. there are skunks and ticks and chiggars. we have tornadoes, huge hail storms, and way too many ultra conservative republicans. all of these things we endure. OUR ONE PERK WAS NO EARTHQUAKES! and that, that is gone. i missed experiencing the first one a month ago. but i got to feel this last bad boy. and yes, you may say it was only a 2.6 and that is NOTHING. but my retort?

I LIVE IN ARKANSAS. SUCK IT.


and i just looked outside the back screen door to see two little puppy feet high (well, as possible for a corgi) in the air as he takes another nap.

that should say enough right there.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

thoughts a la scattered mind

jonas decided to WALK on mother’s day. HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ME!!!!!!!!!!! seriously. he did 3 different 3-4 step sets that day. and today? just 5 days later? like 15 steps in a row!!! ALL DAY LONG. i cried.

we received the sweetest birthday letter/mother’s day letter combo yesterday in the mail. i cried.

i found a HUGE BLACK SPIDER IN MY DOWNSTAIRS BATHROOM. like 3 inches big. BUG SPRAY DID NOT KILL IT. i turned my head because zeusy scared me. SPIDER NO LONGER THERE. VERY SCARED. REFUSE TO GO IN DOWNSTAIRS BATHROOM ANYMORE. i cried.

i’m getting my hair done in one month. i literally cannot remember the last time i had it done professionally. that means color or cut. i think it might have been our wedding day? 2 years (well, almost) ago.

jonas goes for his one year well baby check tomorrow morning. i’m still debating on whether or not to delay his first mmr shot. i KNOW that the research says it’s not linked to autism. but i also personally know three babies that changed after that shot. and it scares me. plus john has an autistic cousin. and that scares me.

i may be fat, but dang it, i think i’m pretty cute. and that should count for something, right?

i love my husband. i miss him more than i can explain. sometimes i pile the pillows up next to me, and i pretend it’s him laying so close to me in bed. and then i wake up. and i cry.

i really like lemon. lemon lotion. lipgloss. body wash. flavor. desserts.

 

the end.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

one.

jonas,

4238_608716899497_20603615_36177149_1940482_njonas taking a nap at 24 hours old.n20603615_36215755_6174983jonas taking a nap at one week old.

we did it. we were able to successfully keep you alive for AN ENTIRE YEAR. if that simple fact itself isn’t enough for celebration, then i don’t know what is. because seriously, there have been times when i figured that one of the three of us would wind up dead. i mean, look at you. you’ve gone from this tiny little baby to this HUGE MAN CHILD. you’re no poster child for Feed the Children.

30702_677036955557_20603615_38581080_7427360_n

there are times when i just watch you (instead of letting you play with the kitchen knives, of course). but all kidding aside, there are times when all i can do is just sit and stare at you. i’m sure you think i’m being a creeper or something. whatever. you are just so incredible to watch.

i love watching your mind work. you are such a bright little boy. you love to figure out the mechanics behind everything. you NEED to know how this or that works. you NEED to experience that.

you have brought a new appreciation of this world that i never 26371_673539025437_20603615_38481853_4529352_n quite knew. everything is quite brand new to you. you are literally experiencing rain for the first time. snow. the feel of grass between your fingers. puppy kisses. wiggly worms. the wind on your face. the sun warming your skin. and because of you, jonas…we get to share those moments. those firsts. you have shown me the complete wonder of God in ways i never remembered.

you have 12 teeth. and knock on wood, i think that we’re done for a little while. you’ve been drinking whole milk for a month or so now, and you love it. you wear a size 4 diaper and a size 5 shoe.

30702_677036920627_20603615_38581074_3456025_n you have this way of squishing your entire face when you’re super pleased about something. its like your face isn’t big enough for your smile…and it all just gets so wrinkly and cute and oh my goodness i can’t stand it.

you also have developed preferences. at least once during every30702_677036940587_20603615_38581078_4289825_n meal you refuse to let us feed you with the spoon or fork. instead, YOU need to do it yourself. and that’s okay. we love the way macaroni and cheese accents our laminate floors. and the rug. and the wall. and my hair.

this year, your birthday was the day before mother’s day. i’m going to be honest, i’ve been bummed that this year was going to be the second year in a row to not receive a gift on mother’s day. last year i was all hopped up on percocet (thanks, doc!) and your daddy was all OMG WE HAVE A BABY CHILD PERSON LIVING IN OUR HOUSE, so mother’s day was sort of a blur. and this one? well, your daddy is at basic training. BUT JONAS. you gave me the perfect gift.28925_676404992017_20603615_38561040_6058915_n because today, my friend was the day you decided to walk. and i cried. because that’s what i do. and THEN your daddy called and we talked on the phone for a couple of hours while your grandparents wrangled you. and then i cried again. because that’s what i do.

jonas, we love you. in fact…there are SO MANY people who love you. people of all shapes, sizes, colors, religions, educational backgrounds and walks of life. i walk into church, and you are TAKEN from me. you’re like a magnet for older kids, and i can understand the attraction to you. you are light. you radiate this joy and i can’t look at you and NOT SMILE. you are love.

you have taught us so much this past year. we have become better people because of YOU. jonas, please always know that you are loved. always.

with all of our love and joy,

mommy and daddy

no understanding.

yesterday night a girl i graduated high school decided to end her life.


there isn't a personal loss on my part from her death; while we were in a wedding together (where i was completely annoyed the entire time because she was wearing a size 4 dress at 7 months pregnant) and knew each other, it wasn't like we were friends. she wasn't someone who i thought of daily. or even weekly. outside of status updates on facebook, photos posted to share with the world, i would have no idea where she was in her life, what she was up to. i'm not writing this because i want to evoke a "poor wendy, i'm sorry for your loss" response. because there isn't.


no, i'm writing this because i can't seem to work through the thoughts in my mind with any sort of dexerity. i'm finding myself stumbling over what's appropriate to think, to say, to wonder. i'm finding myself in an almost awe-struck state, not able to wrap my mind around the dark and scary place she had to have been.

and why her, of all people, am i finding myself fumbling?


because this girl, this girl wasn't just a girl.

she was a wife.
and mother to five children at the age of twenty-five.
and it's mother's day.


speaking with a friend about this via text this afternoon, we both agreed that she would have been one of the last people we would have ever expected this from. that's just based on what she'd put out there for the world to see, commenting on how wonderful her life is with her husband and children, about romantic dates and t-ball games, painted toenails and the massive collection her four daughters had obtained. her life was almost annoyingly perfect.


or so it seemed.
this all seems eerily reminicent of the virgin suicides, a personal favorite book and film.


i cannot begin to imagine what made her choose this path. what made her end her life. to leave her husband and children, ages 6 months to 6 years. one could speculate that depression ran in her family...her younger brother took his life in december of 2008. one could always say postpartum depression overwhelmed her. one could think that perhaps there was an issue in her marriage. and so forth. and so on.


there are so many what if's and why's. and i don't want to know why she chose to end her life. why she chose Mother's Day weekend of all days. what she was thinking those final hours. it's not our place to know why someone did what they did, especially something so final.

but it is our place to care. and to care about the living. what we can do is be sensitive to others. listen to their cries. ask people how they are really doing. offer ears willing to hear, and a mouth that stays shut unless advice is requested. turn off the "judgement spout" that can flow so freely. when issues appear to be much bigger than you're able to handle or help with, recommend places like the NSPL...because they CAN help.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

peace

it's been SO BEAUTIFUL the past few days! even though some of the nights have been hard on me, the sunshine makes it a little better.





OOH!! and i've received letters from john the PAST TWO days! which just makes me all a flutter inside. i hope that he has been able to get my letters so far--he said that it's supposed to take longer for our letters to get to him and hardly anytime for his to get to me. i've pooooouuuuuuuureeeeeeeed over these letters (4 in all), reading every word several times.





AND PRAISE BE TO THE TINY BABY JESUS, but my counters are just about done. i'm painting the wooden edge tomorrow morningish, and then we're DONE. take a look for yourself!





the walls are turquoise and the cabinets are yellow :). it's a little strange for most people, but it makes me seriously happy. i'm getting all chrome switchplate covers, too. i just need to exchange an extra box of tile for those and some paint!

i also bought a new clock and organizational stand thingie...when the house is DONE completely, i hope that i can have the ladies from church over for some sort of brunchie/lunchie thing!


Monday, May 3, 2010

gaga for the telephone

i won't be sporting a unitard while wearing a mask and holding an umbrella while trying to dance to Lady Gaga's hit. so right now you're either completely disappointed OR over the moon. whatevs.

i'd be completely lying if i said i didn't wait by the phone ALL DAY ON SUNDAY, just waiting for my promised sunday phone call with john. while i know that he had called for (literally) 5 minutes the night before, sundays are the day of "niceness" in the army during basic. or something like that. while i imagine them having a leisurely day of brunching and naps, i'm sure it just means that you do 100 push-ups instead of 150.

but i didn't get my call on sunday.
which in turn completely crushed me.

like, i had waited the whole afternoon for this call.

i put off doing other things that i NEEDED to do (like clean my kitchen/pick-up the house for my grandparents who are THERE RIGHT NOW with my baby installing a new tile countertops).
i forgot my laundry in the washing machine. which meant that THIS MORNING i was all like, ew. mildewy yuck. which meant i had to RE-WASH the laundry because EVERY SET OF SCRUBS i own was in it. which of course meant that my dryer (circa 1912) didn't fully dry my clothes. for work. which meant i was standing there in my underwear near the dryer checking every 2 minutes. and then had to make the last minute decision that OH CRAP I CAN'T GO TO WORK IN MY UNDERWEAR so i better put on a dress. but the dress i put on i wore on sunday BUT then i remembered i had also worn it on FRIDAY when i went up to WORK to drop off some things. SO! i had to CHANGE clothes while my baby was all like, MOM! YO! I'M HERE! BARKING AT THE DOG I CAN'T SEE! RUFF! so i threw on some clothes that DON'T MATCH, grabbed my REALLY HEAVY BABY, make-up bag, comb, lunch and rushed out the door.

where i then ran into MORE TRAFFIC THAN I HAVE EVER SEEN and was only 12 minutes late to work.

my house is a disaster, my grandma and grandpa are there with my kid, I'M NOT SURE WHERE TO GO AFTER WORK (do i go to my house? or do i go to my grandparents? WHERE IN THE WORLD IS JONAS ALEXANDER?).

but atleast my grandma said she'd re-start the dryer for me so i wouldn't perform a death spiral again tomorrow.

i'm blaming the army for all of this. AND IF I EVER FIND OUT WHO SCREWED UP SO THAT JOHN COULDN'T CALL...well, let's just say that you're better off in a warzone.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

roar.

i gotta say, i really do think that this prayer stuff works. besides having comfort/peace/ease the past few weeks, i have to let you all know that i witnessed a miracle yesterday.

yesterday, my friends, i started the lawn mower.
by myself.
not once.
but twice.

now for most of you this may seem like no big deal at all. it's a LAWN MOWER, for goodness sake.
but i have NEVER IN MY LIFE (okay, the 2 yrs+) that we've had it been able to start it. not once. i wish i was kidding, that i wasn't such a pansy that starting my own lawn mower was an issue.

but i am THAT pansy.

and i don't know why, but the simple act of starting the lawn mower has made me such a nervous wreck the past month or so. i mean, it's a LAWN MOWER. but this lawn mower...the ability to start it, was so much more than just a lawn mower.

you know?

but last night, i pulled it out of the garage. and i primed it. and then i pulled the cord once. and then a second time.

and it started.
and then i cried.

because i can do this.
i miss john.
i miss john more than i can ever express.
it's kind of like when you have this routine that you don't even realize you have until one day something alters it.
and then you feel like it's hard to breathe because you've lost your way and now you're just spiraling out of control.

i miss john like that.
like it's a little harder to breathe because he's not here.

but being able to start the mower?
being able to do that makes the burden lighter.
makes the realization that I'VE GOT THIS more real.