Monday, December 27, 2010


on christmas day i reached the delightful ten week mark in this pregnancy. that means that we’re 25% of the way to a real baby, instead of this lime-sized sourpatch kid floating around in my belly. somewhat ironically, i happened to have lime flavored sourpatch kids floating around in my belly on christmas day. and all this talk about sourpatch kids is a lovely introduction to the topic at hand…pregnancy cravings.

i know that some will say that there’s no medical reason for pregnancy cravings, that they don’t exist, that they’re just an excuse for pregnant mama’s to gorge themselves on whatever they want without guilt.

and yeah. there’s probably some truth to that.

but it doesn’t explain the supernatural NEED that washed over me at 3:42pm this afternoon for a chili cheese burrito from taco bell. forget that i just had devoured an orange, banana, and tiny box of apple juice. i was now STARVING for the chili cheesy goodness. and all that separated me from pure bliss was the remaining 48 minutes of work, 2 elevators, and one busy highway.

so when the hands of the clock (okay. the computer. whatevs.) hit 4:32pm, i realized that i was already TWO MINUTES LATE. i dashed as quickly as possible to my car and cut across the highway and into the drive-thru of taco bell in record time.

as i pulled up i scanned the menu…and they weren’t listed. THEY WERE NOT LISTED. trying very hard not to COMPLETELY FREAK OUT,  i asked the friendly man in the box if they still carried them and GLORY BE! they do! after placing my order and pulling around, it was nothing short of a miracle that i was able to pull away from the window before tearing open the thin, yellow paper away from my precious treasure.

the third bite into my chili cheese burrito, i suddenly realized that THIS WAS A TRICK. my delicious desire of a chili cheese burrito was GONE. not only gone, but it took all of my willpower not to expel the entire contents of my stomach in the non-regulation size filmy plastic bag they had shoved this DISGUSTING, VILE, HORRID excuse of food into.

and now i sit in the bath tub, writing this. i’d like to have lied and said i was lounging in bed or on the sofa, but no. because the idea of sitting ANYWHERE else right now is like replaying that time zeus puked in john’s armpit in my head, over and over.

i shall prune and i shall shiver. and i promise i’ll not be lead into temptation by the devil with the tortilla on again.

atleast, not this week.

Sunday, December 19, 2010



i’d like to start this letter off with a quasi-apology. i’m sorry it’s late. blame the New Kid. just consider the first of many times that your life gets ruined by your sibling. YOU’RE WELCOME.

67152_1455691801409_1506767500_30971949_319472_n anyway, you are nineteen months old and positively awesome. every month tops the month prior to that, and i’m so excited about that!

i think you might be musically inclined. which is totally awesome seeing that no one (save your uncle j) has any sort of musical ability in this family. the way that you just stand, nodding your head to the beat, as the band at church plays is awesome. you love all instruments, and have a special place in your heart for rap. in fact, your daddy and you have a song now. and i’ve caught you singing along to lady gaga.


you have a new love. and it’s santa. now, santa in the flesh is slightly terrifying. but a commercial or picture of santa is great, and you love to say “ho ho ho” and “anta caws”. we took you to the Fayetteville square last week, and you ran around saying OH WOW OH WOW OH WOW with both hands in the air. once in a while you’d point a grubby little finger in the air and yell LIGHTS!!!


you booked your first gig as a ring bearer this past month, too. um. it may have also been your last time, too. not that you weren’t stellar. because you were. duh. but maybe more so the fact that you made it 3 pews out of the 10 in the chapel. and you carried a toy truck. and i walked behind you carrying the ring pillow. whatevs. the people are crazy if they don’t want you.


one of your new phrases is “i love you”. while you prefer to say it to stuffed dogs and fish, once in a while you’ll squeak it out to us. and lets be honest, you TOTALLY say it to me more, even though your daddy had a few straight “daddy i love you”s after holding you upside down so long you forced it out. 


jonas, we love you so much. you are such a light in our lives, constantly keeping us on our toes and holding our sides laughing at your antics. you’re adorably cute and make friends wherever you go. i can’t wait to see you in your new role as a big brother.



Tuesday, December 14, 2010

don’t mind me.

tonight i got stuck in the tub.

before you start thinking that i put on a ton of weight, i need to explain.

so there i was, minding my own business when i saw it. the faucet was dripping. drip. drop. drip. drop. and my big toe, being the curious creature it is, started to toe up around there, chasing the drops. it was all fun and games until my big toe got forceful and sort of, um, lodged itself in the faucet.

suddenly, this popped into my mind:

and realizing that john, who normally is at home at this time, is eating dinner with a friend and jonas, who is a toddler and while strapping lad, was asleep, and zeus is frankly no lassie…well, i decided i was going to die. right there. in the bathtub.

luckily i had a variety of soaps and shaving gels, and within (a terrifying) 5 minutes, my toe was free and i was fleeing the scene.

i’m just thankful i didn’t wind up like laura and rob.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

second verse, same as the first

for halloween this year, i dressed up as a very pregnant michelle duggar. i was (pillow) pregnant with baby jimmy john’s, and was holding my newborn, jambalaya pasta, with toddler jonas in tow.

it was really cute.

i guess that the sort of ironic thing is that michelle duggar has to be really fertile because this is what we found recently:

photo (2)

those duggars are sneaky, sneaky people.


i’m only like 7 weeks pregnant. and i know that it’s a lot earlier than a lot of people think that they should start sharing the news. the thinking is that the more that know about the New Kid early on the more people that are thinking and praying for the New Kid. and who doesn’t need that?

so there’s that. and the fact that i apparently get freakishly huge pregnant way early.

so here’s to the New Kid. it’s going to be a hot summer.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


writer’s block is a crazy thing.

like, i can type hundreds of words, SEE them on this screen, re-read it, and erase it all. because it’s stinky, stinky poo.

and friends, i don’t know about you, but i am not fond of stinky, stinky poo.

and so i’m here, looking at this annoying blank screen.

lately i’ve been all sinus-y sick and stuff. which is pretty sweet. to be honest, i’d much rather be all icky at home. not because it’s more comfortable at home (even though it is). but more so because that way i can shove a kleenex up each nostril.

john’s a lucky, lucky man.

we recently got hulu plus to replace cable. and to be honest, i’m in love. john and i have been going through all of the seasons of grey’s anatomy, watching several episodes each night.

the obsession has started to cause some personal issues at work, though. like that time i was calling patients to confirm their appointments for the following day, and apparently had called a nursing home. when the front desk there said that mrs. xyz was a resident there, all i could think of was RESIDENT!! AWESOME!! LIKE MIRANDA BAILEY!!

and then i actually said something aloud along those lines, like “can i leave a message for her to return on her break?”.

and then it got really quiet on the phone and i realized that i was cah-razy.

i got a nook as a birthday present from my parents, and i lurve it. i’ve been reading through the sookie stackhouse series (intellectual reading, i know!) with great fervor.

one of the drawbacks is that now whenever i hear certain names, phrases, or see a full moon, all i can think of is vampires and shapeshifters.

and grey’s anatomy.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

i’ll kill ya.

jonas has always been…independent. which is just really me saying nicely that he’s a I’LL DO WHAT I WANT BY MYSELF AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME sort of dude.

lately, he’s been rockin’ out the self-feeding. he likes to load up his spoon, shove it in his mouth, and then rinse and repeat. it’s pretty awesome. except that sometimes when we go out to eat somewhere, like say, oh, the dixie cafe, and they give him the BIGGEST SPOON EVER CRAFTED OUT OF CHEAP METAL and he’s all let’s dump my applesauce into my pants!! wee!!!

so we asked the waitress for a smaller spoon just as he dropped it on the floor. perfect timing. and as she walks away with the huge, dirty spoon, all jonas could do was lift a sticky, meatloafy finger in the air and yell POOOOOOON!!! with the most wounded look on his face. POOOOOOOON!!!

you don’t want to see him when he’s angry. you wont like him when he’s angry.

he’ll kill ya.

Monday, November 8, 2010



today you turned eighteen months old. i hope you enjoy your new found freedoms of voting and buying your own packs of candy cigarettes.


this past month you got celebrate the engagement of some of our favorite people, jeff and sara. and while you livened up, running around meowing at the kitten, i’m going to be honest and let you know that you had sort of an awkward moment. or, you know. seven minutes. of standing there. like a statue. in the grass’ entry. not even budging when a cookie was placed in your pocket. nor a finger in your ear.

and i’m sure that people think that i’m exaggerating the amount of time you stood there, frozen. but jonas? jeff video-taped you.

and it’s amazing.


your favorite book right now is the toys r us christmas catalog. you spend countless minutes each day perched on your chair, thumbing through the pages, licking your finger to get a better grip. you’ll look over a couple of pages until you find something you really fancy, muttering “cycle, wow” under your breath as you rest your chin on your propped arm. 

you’ve learned how to jump and hop in the past few weeks as well. you particularly like to jump when you’re butt naked. and to be honest, it looks more like you’re booty dancing (puny, i know!) than jumping.


jonas, this past weekend you experienced your first heartbreak. we were hustling to get out the door, and i handed you your milk in your seasme street sippy cup. you looked at the table and saw your dirty “dump truck” cup and grabbed it instead. after a few exchanges, me saying no and giving you your milk, and you grabbing the dirty cup, i thought we had it settled. and then you looked at me. the biggest, saddest face appeared. with one silent tear. so we left. dump truck cup cleaned and filled with milk.

mommy and daddy bought a new couch this month and to say that you were excited about the plastic-wrapped couch is an understatement. you RAN to it, yelling OH WOW! OOOOOH WOOOOOOW!!! once it was unwrapped, however, your enthusiasm waned and now you sort of ignore it. whatevs. more room for mommy.


your daddy made SWAT this month and gave us a little “fashion show” of all his neat gear. and baby boy? i think you made your daddy tear up a little when you brought me your police holster so that you could wear it just like daddy.

we love you, jonas. you are so, so smart. you are determined and strong. you’ve got this killer sense of humor and a personality that i envy. you bring so much light into our lives, and we never truly, really knew love until we met you.

60266_10150090206868662_563288661_7121803_6332731_n love and chocolate bunnies,


Wednesday, October 27, 2010


sometimes when your driving your car and you hear your toddler saying “mommy” for 3 minutes in a row in his little-kid-from-the-shining-voice, you may give him an extra cookie at dinner.

just to be safe.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

because sometimes we forget.

Who would have believed what we heard?  Who saw the Lord's power in this?

He grew up like a small plant before the Lord, like a root growing in a dry land.  He had no special beauty or form to make us notice him; there was nothing in his appearance to make us desire him.

He was hated and rejected by people.

He had much pain and suffering. People would not even look at him. He was hated, and we didn't even notice him. But he took our suffering on him and felt our pain for us.

We saw his suffering and thought God was punishing him.

But he was wounded for the wrong we did; he was crushed for the evil we did. The punishment, which made us well, was given to him, and we are healed because of his wounds.

We all have wandered away like sheep; each of us has gone his own way. But the Lord has put on him the punishment for all the evil we have done.

He was beaten down and punished, but he didn't say a word. He was like a lamb being led to be killed. He was quiet, as a sheep is quiet while its wool is being cut; he never opened his mouth. Men took him away roughly and unfairly.

He died without children to continue his family.

He was put to death;  he was punished for the sins of my people. He was buried with wicked men, and he died with the rich.

He had done nothing wrong, and he had never lied.

But it was the Lord who decided to crush him and make him suffer.

The Lord made his life a penalty offering, but he will still see his descendants and live a long life. He will complete the things the Lord wants him to do. "After his soul suffers many things, he will see life and be satisfied. My good servant will make many people right with God; he will carry away their sins. For this reason I will make him a great man among people, and he will share in all things with those who are strong. He willingly gave his life and was treated like a criminal. But he carried away the sins of many people and asked forgiveness for those who sinned."

isaiah 53, ncv

Sunday, October 17, 2010



um, mommy is sorry that this is a few days late. counting has never been my strong point in life. and lets be serious, there’s been a lot going on. forgive me? here, have a cookie.

this past month you have learned so much! you can say (and point out) your major facial features, head, feet, and um, peepee. your vocab has expanded to include choo-choo, meow, big truck, motorcycle, apple, cookie, cracker, ice, thank you…and so much more. because of this recent vocab boom, i’ve been letting you order my drinks at starbucks for me and i swear to you if my LATTE ISN’T AT 140 DEGREES NEXT TIME I’M GOING TO FLIP.


you’re still into cars and trucks, and every day you wake up to talking about 3 different things: choo-choos, daddy, and big trucks.

we play the same game every morning for about 10 minutes where you pretend you are sleeping and i have to wake you up. and when mommy oversleeps and cuts the game short, you STRONGLY VOICE YOUR DISAPPROVAL. and then i point out the choo-choo book and all is well again in your world.


oh, yeah. you can play the harmonica. and surprisingly well. to the point where i sort of maybe suggested to your daddy that we take you up to the fayetteville square on a saturday morning with a hat in front of you and let you play your music. he said no. daddy obviously doesn’t know how much freaking money we’d make. A KILLING, JOHN. A. KILLING.

you’ve recently discovered the humor in walking backwards. because you’re, uh, low to the ground? it looks like you’re moonwalking. AND just this week you’ve perfected this:

not quite as fancy, but for someone under 3 feet tall, it ain’t too shabby.

i’m going to be honest and let you know that it makes me so proud when our friends say that the only real thing that they worry about when it comes to having kids is that their kids wont be as cool as you. i’m talking my heart grows to mammoth proportions and you have to help me lift my head because it’s gotten THAT big.


jonas, you are so much fun to be around. i love that you’re a ham. i love that you meow and meow and meow. i love that you are cautious enough to make me comfortable. i love that you much prefer sitting in the big people chairs than sit in the jonas-sized one. i love that you chomp ice. i love that you are so interested in how everything works. i love watching you interact with babies. i love how have to dip your french fries in ketchup.

i can’t express to you enough how much we love you. the world needs to get ready because kiddo, they’ve never met one like you.



Thursday, October 14, 2010

is this thing on?

oh hi. it’s been a while, yes?

a lot has gone on since we’ve last met…like, um…my HUSBAND is home. and it’s magical and delicious and i can’t think of anything i like better than HIM.

but anyway, i’ll get to things of great importance soon (like DUDE, my baby can play the harmonica!) but first, a post. for you. with sprinkles and stuff.


for the past little bit we’ve been without cable.

i know. LAME.

the last time i was cable-less was in 2007 because i was poor and living on one big mac a week. every night at home for about 2 weeks i’d watch the same movie. girl, interrupted.

and if that doesn’t improve your mental health, then i don’t know what will.

after watching it for the 15th time in 13 days, i really started to admire winoa ryder’s hairstyle. the pixie cut looks so good on her and i was really getting stir-crazy with my own hair. i’m not sure how everything played out,  but the next thing i know i’m standing in my bathroom surrounded by a pile of hair looking at a 12 year old boy in the mirror who was wearing my clothes. i’m not even sure what was worse…the fact that i cut my hair with no clue what i was doing (or mirror for the back) or that i cut my hair with no clue what i was doing with craft scissors. you know. THE ONES WITH THE ORANGE HANDLE.



i’m going to go ahead and tell you now that i’ve already trimmed me up some bangs.

the fate of my hair looks grim.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

what they don’t tell you.

jonas, because he is 16 months old and can’t effectively communicate, has been a LITTLE less than desirable to be around for long periods of time. don’t get me wrong. i love my little dude. i think he is for SURE the best part of me.

he just happens to be the best annoying part of me at this time.

and i could make excuses, like he’s tired or hungry or whatever. but to me, bad behavior is bad behavior. plain and simple. i can sympathize when he’s sleepy so he’s grumpy. and i totally get the pissy while hungry gig. BEEN THERE.

like today at sunday lunch at my grandparents’ house. he was simply a giant butt for 90% of lunch. he’d drop food on the ground, moan, roll his little head until it about popped off his shoulders, and tried to get out of his chair. i’m trying to teach him that he just simply can’t get out of his highchair because he wants to go sit somewhere else…that’s not how it’s going to work. after trying to redirect his attention, i had some success. but when it came time for dessert, he started up again. while the table was being cleared, i got him out of his highchair and we went to another room so he could calm down and talk. while i know that he doesn’t GET what i’m saying to him, i still try to explain to him in a calm but firm voice that we do XYZ because ABC. and after he was calm for a minute or two, i took him back to the table so that he could have some dessert, too.

only, he refused to sit down. like, kicked his feet and screamed. after trying a few times, i decided that it was time to go. we declined his grandpa’s offer to hold him in his lap for a few bites of cake because when we are acting poorly we don’t get rewards. and sitting in his grandpa’s lap and having cake was the reward that couldn’t be.

sometimes being a parent just isn’t fun. at all. when you’re pregnant with your first child, people somehow fail to tell you this. you sort of float through your pregnancy visualizing how nice everything is going to be, how you’re going to implement this sort of parenting style, how everything is going to be perfect.

and then you experience labor. the first sign that being a parent, moreso, a mother, is hard. and frustrating. and painful. heartbreaking.  how you’re going to find yourself trying to rationalize to a 16 month old why they can’t throw their food on the floor and always have everything they want.

and then there’s the flipside. because there’s always a flipside.

being a parent, namely a mom, is the best thing that i have ever done. my heart swells and soars for this little tyke in ways that i never, ever could have imagined. every time i’m told what a good little boy he is, i feel my heart just on the verge of exploding.

and so we’ll battle it out over chocolate cake and highchairs now. in several years it will be the same, but about curfews and girlfriends.

and i couldn’t be more genuinely excited.

Friday, September 10, 2010


early that morning, our junior class had attended the college fair. row after row of college representatives from the surrounding area passed out free pens and t-shirts, trying to get new "recruits".

and so we went, table to table, and gathered all of the free stuff. i mean, i had no intention of attending the college of the ozarks, but hey, a free pencil sharpener never hurt anyone.

after our goodie bags were filled with loot, we all began to part ways, going to our next class. my boyfriend and i walked, hand in hand, plastic bags swaying with each step. he dropped me off at my class, stealing a quick, innocent kiss. and i walked inside, closing the door behind me.

i sat at my computer in my graphic design class, the only girl in the room. it was an ordinary day, creating pretend ads for a class project. one of the boys looked down at his hidden cell phone, and then quickly stood up, walking across the classroom. as he turned on the tv, he interrupted our teacher's reprimand by saying, "we have to watch."

and that's when we saw it.

one of the world trade center towers in NYC had been crashed into by a plane. how tragic! it was obvious that the plane could have no survivors. we commented back and forth of how strange it was that a plane would fly into one of the buildings--there must have been some sort of freak technical accident. the pilot must have had a heart attack. something like that.

while we looked at the screen, we watched the plane hit the tower. but this re-play looked different than the other ones. and then we realized that it was a second plane. hitting the other tower. and that this was no accident at all.
we watched in silence. we watched as the plumes of smoke stretched across the sky. we watched flames licking the sides of the buildings. and then we watched as each tower crumpled.

it was then that i realized we had all lost our innocence.

the rest of the day was a blur. we went to class after class, lugging around our now oddly heavy bags of college paraphernalia through the halls, with looks of worry and tears on our cheeks. by this time, we had all heard about the third plane hitting the pentagon.

the size of the classes got smaller and smaller through out the day, parents uncertain of what else would come. in some classes we sat and watched the tv in eerie quiet. in others, the tv was muted, and we talked about our feelings of confusion, despair, mourning.

it was then that i realized our lives would never be the same.


nine years have passed since that time. you can ask any american, and they can tell you exactly where they were at, what they were doing, who they were with when they heard about the attacks.

i looked at jonas this morning, smooshed banana smeared across his cheeks, hands, and left eyebrow. and i thought about how different his childhood would be compared to mine. the extra security measures, the terror alerts, the fear.

nine. only nine years.

it seems like yesterday.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010



you are SIXTEEN MONTHS OLD. which in human years is like 74. or something. mommy’s bad at math.

like any other sixteen-er boy, you are ALL ABOUT CARS. AND TRUCKS. you point at EVERY SINGLE CAR ON THE ROAD and proudly announce it. you like to say “papa truck” when it’s time to play in your papa’s, um, truck. you make EVERYTHING into a car, including books, laptops, shoes, and rawhide bones.

this past weekend we went to okc to see your daddy, aunt carole and uncle zach, and aunt sarah and uncle jamie. throughout the weekend i kept hearing what an awesome little guy you are. and while i did the whole OMG YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU DON’T SEE thing, i have to agree.

you’re a rad little dude.

you can entertain yourself really well. even if that means it’s 3:47am and you make fart noises with your mouth and then laugh. for twenty minutes. while your daddy and i are trying to sleep. 3 feet away.

you’re getting SO big and SO fast that it’s hard to believe. every single day you’ve learned a new word. i also realized how much your brain soaks up everything that we say when you started saying “oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit”.

yeah. when you get sent to the principal’s office for that sort of stuff in kindergarten, let’s just blame your daddy, okay? even if it WAS me that you were repeating? deal?

i’ve said this so many times in the past, but i love watching your mind work. you can for sure tell a difference between when you’re just playing to play, and when you’re playing to understand. you will do the same series of movements with whatever you are trying to learn about until you have mastered whatever you’re trying to do. it makes me so proud that you work so hard, even if it means that my soda bottles can now be unscrewed and you can now work my iphone (and get on facebook ON it).

you went to the fair last week, and you’re favorite animals were the turkeys and the longhorn steer. forget the kittens. the pigs. the bunnies. i guess that just affirms what people say about you. 

you’re a manly baby.

jonas, every day with you is amazing. while you look a lot like me, i can see your daddy in all of your actions. from the way you cover your head with your blanket while you sleep, your grouchiness when i wake you up before you’re ready, your sense of humor, your love of all things furry, and your desire for all things cake…nothing makes me happier than to see your daddy in you.

you’re a lucky boy to have a daddy like yours. i hope you always realize that.

we love you so much. we have been through so much in the past 16 months-it hasn’t always been easy. but we’re together. the three of us. plus zeus. and that means that we can make it through anything.



Monday, September 6, 2010


when i was 16, i had my first car accident.

it was a few days before christmas and i ventured to fayetteville to get a gift for my dad. because it had snowed A LOT earlier in the week, the parking lot had been plowed. the piles of snow were scattered across the parking lot, and blocked all of the ways that i knew how to get out of the parking lot. because i was a new driver in sort of unfamiliar parking lot, i decided to follow the first car i saw. when the old school jeep i was following stopped suddenly, i rear-ended him. and then he drove away. fast. i’m guessing that he didn’t have insurance or a license OR SOMETHING, but i picked up the pieces to my car, figured my way out of the parking lot and drove to another lot across the street and waited for my parents to come get me. and because i’m wendy, i threw up in the snow a few times too. because it’s what i do.

i’d like to say that was my only teen foray into the accident world, but its not. shortly before my 17th birthday, i had two accidents in literally two days, taking out two other peoples cars.

one was parked.

that year my by birthday cake had a cartoon depiction of me slamming into a car, with HAPPY BIRTHDAY OSAMA BIN WENDY in swirly, red icing.

my parents are jokers if nothing else.

(don’t even get me started on the time i thought i had received a letter from d.c. laced with anthrax).

on wednesday, a day like any other, i had a car accident. i’m not even really sure what happened other than it was 5 o’clock traffic on the main highway in town during the first rain in 40+ days. the cars in front of me stopped suddenly, and i simply didn’t stop fast enough.

i was really okay (and remarkably calm for being me) while waiting for my family and the police officer to arrive. and i didn’t shed one tear. well, that was until it was decided that my car had to be towed away.

it went downhill quickly after.

i cried. and then i cried some more. and then i called john to let him know what happened even though he was in class. and after i left him the most sob-by voicemail ever, i decided that wasn’t probably the best idea, so i sent him texts letting him know what had happened.

so if you happen to see john in the coming weeks, be prepared to listen to my voicemail. its honestly one of the funniest things that he’s heard in a while, and he plays it openly for those around him. and if not, i can reenact it pretty well.

of course, this time without the crunched car.

Monday, August 30, 2010

pizza, pizza

dear sign spinner for eureka pizza,

first, i want to commend you on your dedication. you have firmly planted yourself to the corner of walnut and dixieland. i can count on one hand the number of days i haven’t seen you there. and it’s been really hot this summer.


but mister sign spinner, i don’t understand why they would teach you in sign spinner orientation that it’s a good idea to get really close to the curb. or to stick your sign out in front of people driving red beetles while they are pulling up to the light. i have not attended such orientation, but i can’t imagine that’d be advised.

it seems really hazard to your well-being.

i also am not quite sure the marketing team for eureka pizza meant for your spinning sign to be used in a pelvic thrust move. i mean, we all know sex sells. and nothing screams sexy more than pizza and sweaty sign guys.

i can tell that you’re a people person by the way that you interact with the public. people are so busy these days, zooming down the road, taking phone calls, trying to get home to put their very sleepy and grumpy toddler to bed while all he does is BEG FOR A COOOOOOOOKIEEEEEEEE, MAMA. COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKIEEEEEEEEEE.

but you? you like to interact. even if that means mouthing “hey girl” and doing a “sexy” wave while sporting your mirrored sunglasses and puka shell necklace. to the woman in the red beetle. with a very sleepy and grumpy (AND VISIBLE) toddler in the backseat who just wants a COOOOOOOOOOOOOKIEEEEEEE.

maybe you should try the mini-van driving soccer mom in the next lane. she seems more receptive.



Tuesday, August 24, 2010

to the left, to the left.

this morning on the way to work, i glanced in the rear view mirror to see how jonas was doing. as he lifted one finger in the air, eagerly towards his nostril, i said, “no, no, jonas. we don’t put our fingers in our nose.”

he looked at me and pulled his hand down.

and then he lifted his OTHER hand, raising one finger as he cut his eyes to the left.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

the curious incident of the jeans in the night-time

friday started out well enough. i fell asleep early on thursday, so i actually felt rested when my alarm clock went off at 5:30a. and then i hit snooze. twice.

so i was actually awake at 5:52a, which i didn’t see as an issue. until i remembered at 6:14a that i really needed to transfer my wet jeans from the washer to the dryer so that i could express my love for JEANS DAY at work.

and everything was fine, because i was busy getting the upper part of my body dressed and looking somewhat presentable. except that my dryer decided to sleep in on friday. which basically means that all of my jeans were still wet. so i waited. and waited. and then waited some more. i was staring so hard at that dryer, WILLING IT TO DRY, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE.

apparently my power of persuasion isn’t what it used to be.

which meant at 6:44a i was sprinting upstairs to figure out what i was going to wear. because when they say casual friday, I DON’T THINK THEY MEANT THIS CASUAL. and that’s when i spotted it. my maternity jeans. you know, the kind with the full panel.

the full navy blue panel. the full navy blue panel that SHINES under your white shirt. the full navy blue panel that SHINES under your white shirt which is only acceptable when you’re pregnant.

(john, you can start breathing again. i’m not pregnant).

that navy blue panel on my VERY maternity jeans meant that i needed to change shirts. so i did. and then i realized because it was 6:51a, i really needed to get my child awake and changed so that we could run out the door.

so i did.

after work, on the way to a girls’ night party, i realized that not only did i not pack any sort of snacks or food for jonas, but i didn’t bring a sippy cup. or milk. because the milk at our house? it had soured overnight. which meant that i need to go to walmart at 5pm on a friday night.

after arriving late but having a blast (and staying up WAY past my bedtime) with the girls, jonas and i came home. i put him to bed, and was just placing the gallon of milk in the fridge when the power went out.

at 11p.

and being unable to find neither a flashlight or lighter for a candle, i helen keller’ed it through a kitchen, a living room, up a staircase, and then into our bedroom. fumbling to plug my phone in so that it’d have enough charge on it so that i could actually report the outage.

at 12:46a the lights came back on.

and so began a new day.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

death by volume

literal minutes ago, i got up out of bed because i realized that i hadn’t laid out my clothes for tomorrow. and because i KNOW me, if i don’t pick out EXACTLY what i am wearing the next day the night before, i will change complete outfits 5-6 times in the morning. and frankly, i don’t have time for that.

anyway, so i got up only to see a HUGE beetle in our bedroom. like, not a roach. but a heavy duty beetle. at first i tried to convince zeus to come and eat the beetle. because that’s what dogs do, right? attack bugs?

he decided that the bug was a LITTLE too intimidating and spent the next 10 minutes outside in the hallway. so it was on to plan b. bug spray.

but because the bug spray was downstairs, i jutted into the bathroom and grabbed the first thing i could find that i knew could shoot at least 2 feet.

that’s right. i grabbed my root lifter.


it was quite the battle royale, but i emerged the victor. while some people feel safer at night sleeping with a gun in the nightstand, i’ll be resting pretty with my redken.

photo (1)

trust me, the irony of my hero’s name is not lost on me. 

Monday, August 16, 2010

that can’t be good.

last night it was hard for me to go to sleep. my clothes were all laid out, my purse was packed, my teeth were brushed. for today was my first day of work.

okay. so it was really just me and 29 other chicks sitting in a room for orientation for 8 hours. if you haven’t been to an orientation in a while, well…you’re lucky. it’s basically just getting way too much information thrown at you all at once, and they’re just hoping some of the key points stick. it probably didn’t help that i was completely distracted by the girl sitting across the room from me. between her nail clipping, cuticle chewing, and open mouth coughing during the infectious diseases part of the lecture i just couldn’t focus. i mean, that just can’t be good. right?

at lunch we all had to go around and re-introduce ourselves. after hearing “i’m XXXXX and i’ve been a rn for XX years and will be working at XXXXXXX” about 20 times before i had to announce the splendor that is wendy, i quickly realized that i had to think fast on my feet to dazzle the crowd. so i pulled a little “hey, i’m wendy. and i’m SO NOT A NURSE. and i’m going to work at the XXXXXXXXX”.

the masses approved of my humor. bada bing.

there’s a lot of information i’ve got to wade through in regards to benefits, opt in’s or out’s, and gym memberships. after i figure out some of it, i’m going to present it to john to get his final decision.

come on, payday. mama’s missed you. 

Friday, August 13, 2010

professor peacock in the study with the candlestick.

i have an affinity for serial killers.

some, like john, find that unsettling.

it’s not that i love what they do, because i obviously don’t support murder. duh. i think it’s the mindset, the patterns, how they select their victims, the years (hell, decades) that they can live seemingly normal lives until something clicks on in their mind and they act again.

i think that i just love a good mystery. i like to figure things out, understand all aspects of a situation. i don’t know why. i bet it’s because i’m an only child. or something.

anyway, i spend a little time each night watching either an old episode of dateline or a 48 hours mystery on my netbook before passing out. sweet dreams to you, too. while the cases that are highlighted in these shows are rarely the work of a serial killer, these criminals have problems. OBVIOUSLY.

i’ve watched a few episodes where the victim leaves a letter or mentions to a neighbor that if i die, SO AND SO DID IT. at first i thought that was sort of stupid. i mean, come on. if you really feel like someone MIGHT murder you and you know why, wouldn’t you try to off them first? or at least NOTIFY the freaking police or something? CARRY A GUN? MOVE? SOMETHING? but no. they always wind up dead. and by who? oh, JUST THE PERSON THEY MENTIONED 2 WEEKS AGO.

after watching these over and over (healthy, i know), i’ve decided that every month or so, i’m going to tell someone who would be my killer if i wind up dead. so far, i only have a couple on my list.

don’t be alarmed. i don’t really think anyone is out to get me. my list is basically comprised of people that have angered me in a great capacity. so if i wind up dead, it was TOTALLY ANGELINA JOLIE. YUP. IT WAS HER.

team jennifer, all the way.

Monday, August 9, 2010

i’m really fun at parties

so, today i got a job. no big deal.

JUST KIDDING. well, not about the job. i DID get one of those. just kidding about the no big deal part. it’s come just in time, and i’m really excited about the opportunities i’m going to have in my new workplace. i’m working in a small clinic that’s part of a large network of local hospitals and clinics.

today (after receiving the good news) i had to scramble up to the hospital to complete the standard initial paperwork. i also had to get a tb test because my last one is about 2 years old. while getting my tb “stick” the nurse asked a lot of questions about past immunizations. and my basic answer was…UM. I IS HEALTHY, OKAY?

which apparently isn’t a good enough answer.

so she sent me down to the outpatient services area to do my drug test as well as get (AND I QUOTE) just a little blood drawn. i’m guessing so they can see that i’m all good? whatevs.

so after waiting FOREVAH in a stinky waiting room (only stinky because the dude behind me was 970 years old and extremely gassy) i was called back. my nurse was AWESOME, and was cracking jokes with me left and right. because i was most apprehensive about the blood stuff, we decided to do that first.

as she checked my right arm for a vein and found NONE. LIKE, NOT ONE. i swear to you that at that moment i knew what it was like to be a vampire. except less sparkly. i casually mentioned that i usually don’t do so well with stuff like this. she muttered something like, don’t worry, we’ll make it! as she searched for a vein in my left arm. after a few minutes, she finally found one, letting me know that i had puny veins and that this was going to be extra fun for both her and me.


as she got started, i turned my head to the right to look out the hallway. i know myself, and i know that the second i see my own blood it’s ALL OVER. another nurse came in because we were laughing and that’s when it hit me.

the darkness. around my vision. which QUICKLY became NO VISION AT ALL. i remember saying something like, “ooo so black” and they started holding my head up for me because i wasn’t able to. i also said something about BEING REALLY FUN AT PARTIES.

because that’s all that matters as one nurse is struggling to hold up your head for you while you literally can’t see anything and the other is desperately trying to fill the TWO VIALS she needs so that i don’t have to do this again.

after they were done, i sort of woke up. only to find wet paper towels all over my face, neck, and upper chest and a huge (thankfully empty) bucket in front of me.

the first nurse looks as me and is all NO OFFENSE, BUT YOU LOOK HORRIBLE.

at least i’m fun at parties.

Sunday, August 8, 2010




you’re FIFTEEN MONTHS old! it boggles my mind how much you grow, how smart you are getting, how awesome you are. every day you surprise me with something new, always leaving me on my toes trying to figure out what is coming next. ‘cept for the poop. you’re pretty regular about that.


in the past week or so, you got to see your daddy. jonas, dude, you love you some daddy. he’s your biggest playmate and i know that he can’t wait until he can come home and play with you every single day.

but, to be honest, if living with us doesn’t work out…i think you’d be almost just as happy living with a pack of dogs. or happier. JUST REMEMBER WHO HAS OPPOSABLE THUMBS, LITTLE MAN. if you could spend all day every day in the middle of a large herd of puppies, you’d be in heaven. from being knocked down by wagging tails to being licked in the eye…you love it all and you want more. hearing you chase them while yelling “PUH PEE” kills me, as does your incessantly patting hand on the couch, signaling the pups that the coast is clear to join you as you polish off your apple juice. 


you’re also sort of a drama queen. YOU MUST GET IT FROM YOUR FATHER. because when you get in trouble, you usually don’t cry…but rather you FLING yourself to the floor, gnashing the 16 pearly whites. if it wasn’t so amusing i’m sure i’d get annoyed by it. but dang it, your chubby little cankles just waving in the air kill me. 

you’ve also become pretty affectionate. not towards people. but more like cartoons of cats. i don’t understand it. at all. CATS? JONAS. CATS? i mean, dogs i totally understand. gerbils, i gotcha back. heck, even geckos like the one in the geico commercial will work. but cats? SRSLY. your dad is beyond pleased that you love cats because he likes them too. mama? NOT SO MUCH. but anyway, whenever you see a picture of a cat in any of your books, you have to mean forward and give a VERY loud and dramatic kiss to them.

no, i’m not bitter that you won’t kiss me. nor will i file this back into the safe-keeping portion of my memory, only to recall when you are 16 and want to borrow the car.


jonas, you’re a funny little dude. between stacking your blocks to rockin’ with your jams you bring a smile to our faces ALL of the time. and you’ve totally made me THAT mom who obsessively looks at pictures of her kid and is all ZOMG MY BABY IS NUMBER ONE, RULER OF ALL OTHER BABIES. and as much as i hate that i’ve become like that, it’s too late to stop the production of my JONAS IS DA BOMB shirts that are being made.

we love you. we love your chubby thighs and how they help you dance. we love the way you say BOO! back at us, the way you burrow your head into our shoulders when we tickle you, how you cuddle up against us when you are hurt or scared, and how independent you are…needing to figure things out on your own. the other day i asked your daddy what he loved most about me. and your name was at the top of the list. you have transformed us into being such better people…and for that, we are thankful.

with our love,


Saturday, August 7, 2010

on having a son

after we found out we were pregnant in the summer of 2008, john and i just had a vibe that we were having a little girl. i don’t know why we thought that…maybe it was because john was so excited about having a daughter that it just carried us away.

we had our ultrasound on december 22nd. we decided that we would have them put the “answer” in an envelope that we could open on christmas eve together, and then surprise our families with the news on christmas day.

you could have knocked us over with a feather when we found out that IT’S A BOY! but any ideas of our little girl quickly vanished to be replaced with how amazing our little jonas asher was going to be.

and we were right. jonas is a rad little dude. he’s been all boy from minute one, and i have loved it. loved it all, actually. i love hunting for little guys clothes in the ocean of baby girl stuff. i love having bright and bold colors, fun patterns, and trucks VROOMING through our home. i love all of the balls, the sneakers, the blocks. i love it all.


i just forgot the part where little boys are sort of, um, gross. and maybe it’s just a baby/toddler thing in general. but little boys are sort of ick, you know?

like, jonas’s new thing is picking his nose. gross, right? and it’s more of a ZOMG I HAVE AN OPENING ON MY FACE I CAN PUT MY FINGER IN! rather than OOO. BOOGERS sort of thing. but that doesn’t make it any less gag-worthy when he has his second knuckle buried up in his nose.

Thursday, August 5, 2010


i’m beginning to think that john and i should get some stock in nerf. because after the past couple of days that jonas has had, i’m going to start taping nerf balls all over his body as a shield.

i’m not the type of mom that gets all teary when her kid falls down. i’m just not. i think that babies from an early age feed off whatever energy you’re putting out there. so if your 4 week old baby wont stop crying and you are getting really angry because you’re frustrated while you’re holding them, i think that your kid senses it and cries more. so when jonas falls down, i try not to make any sort of big deal about it. yeah, i will sweep him up in my arms if it seems like he’s getting a little upset because i want him to know that i’m there for him, that i’m there to comfort and love him always. but if he just bumps his head? i’ll say something like, we’re okay! and smile really big.

but the past couple of days have been real doozies. he fell down the stairs at my parents house. twice. (and by fall down the stairs i mean he fell off like the first step. BUT I WOULDN’T BE SURPRISED IF DOGGY FOUL PLAY WAS INVOLVED.) and he cried a little because, well, HE FELL DOWN THE STAIRS.

and then today in my mom’s classroom he tripped over something and hit his face really hard on the ground. before he started to cry, i knew that it was going to be a bad one because of the pure hollow thud that there was on impact. so i scooped him up and sure enough, he not only cut his inner lip on his lower teeth, but also busted his nose and was bleeding there, too.

i was actually fine with the bloody lip. maybe because this is his second one? but when i saw the first few drops of blood coming from his little baby squishy nose, i lost it. i started tearing up because my baby, my itty bitty little boy is WAY too young to be getting this hurt.

after maybe 2 minutes of crying, he was done. he wanted to play cars, tears still on his chubby cheeks. and while he sat there and played, making convincing VROOMing noises, i began to measure him for his first fully nerf-lined suit.

patent pending, of course.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

mr. alexander



there’s a lot of things that i love about john. he has amazing qualities and an awesome personality. but one of the things i really enjoy about my husband is that he is a total fox. 

i mean, obviously i knew he was a good looking fella the first day we met (at my first day of work at express when he asked me what my id number was to give me credit for a credit card someone opened). or the time when i asked him if he was doing some sort of tricep pushup on the cashwrap when he was really just stretching a pulled muscle and then he blushed.

and then a year later when we started hanging out, i knew he was my cup of tea because i kept talking to him. and kept talking. and after a week or so of officially dating, someone at work asked me how he was doing and i told them that i was going to marry that boy.

i knew he was a cutie when he wore a toddler sized tigger costume under a purple suit for work one day (uh…at the kid’s shelter for halloween. not the police department) and i couldn’t stop laughing. or when he insisted on wearing his ghostbuster’s costume when we took jonas “trick or treating” at his first halloween.

i knew he was handsome when i saw him in his suit the day we got married. the fit was perfect. the style was meant for him, down to the gently-loved chucks on his feet.

and now?

now he wears a uniform to work daily. and i swear to you right now, it is the hottest i have ever seen him. (well, except for the tigger costume. ROAR!) maybe it’s the authority that comes with both of his uniforms. or the respect that they command. maybe it’s how meticulous he is in getting ready. or how he has this need to serve, protect, and defend people.

all i know is that it’s incredibly sexy and he’s all mine.

Monday, August 2, 2010

journey to the center of the earth

on friday afternoon, i loaded up the car with bags and gear, tossed in a baby and a doggie and we went to oklahoma.

driving with both zeus and jonas in the car solo wasn’t near as bad as i thought it was going to be…and i was really dreading it.  i actually only had to yell at zeus like, twice. once because he tried to come up to the front seat. and the second time because i looked in the rear view mirror to see him straddling jonas trying to steal his snack. ]

we woke up bright and early on saturday morning, and jonas kicked it with aunt carole, uncle zach, and uncle derek while i went to fort sill to get MAH MAN. because it was early in the morning, i decided to forgo showering/getting dressed and to just go in my pajamas. and it was even better when john told me i’d have to GO IN TO SIGN HIM OUT FOR THE WEEKEND. and then i was all hoping it’d just be like, a desk and some dude behind it, in and out. so wrong.

oh, there was a desk and a dude behind it. there was just also every other person who wanted to sign out for the day waiting in line. one friend of john’s tried to chit chat me up but i was way too consumed with the fact that I HAVE ELEPHANTS ON MY PANTS AND USED MY FINGERS TO FRANTICALLY COMB MY HAIR AND DID I EVEN BRUSH MY TEETH?

it was a great weekend of just lounging around and being with friends. and we truly have the best friends you could ask for. these guys, these guys that john met in college…they are like his brothers. we are so blessed that jonas gets to have these people who LOVE him like he was their own in his life. even if some of them like OU. ew.


i mean, they even baby-sat our kid so that we could take a nap together without worrying about what jonas was getting into. and THEN put him down for a nap, too. 

we dropped john back off this morning so that he could get ready for class tonight, and made the long drive back home.

six more weeks until he’s back for good. and i can’t wait.

Monday, July 26, 2010

i ain’t afraid of no ghost

there’s something about our kid that just makes me insanely proud that he’s ours.

today while at my parents’ house, jonas had just about hit that fine lie that is between being happy and being possessed by demons and projectile vomiting pea soup.  i was trying my best to corral him, get his diaper changed, and hit the road before it got ugly. because it can get ugly quickly. and i’d rather deal with a PISSED AT THE WORLD jonas in the car where he can get it all out and i have no choice but to focus on what’s ahead of me than be somewhere where all i can think about is how pissed he is and how it sucks.

so like i said, i’m trying to get him out the door, but he’s all happy and giggly and stuff. because he’s playing. he’s playing a game that previously i had been the only one privy too. 

yes, he was playing LET’S PUT A BLANKET OVER MY FACE AND WALK INTO THINGS AND THEN FALL AND LAUGH REALLY HARD ABOUT IT!!! it’s actually one of his favorite games and is usually reserved for his bedroom, because that’s the one room where i don’t leave butcher knives and rusty nails scattered across the carpet. i know. helicopter parent, much?

anyway, he’s playing this game where basically he’ll walk towards you with the blanket just hovering on his forehead. once he’s like 5 steps away, he pulls it over his face so that he can’t see. like, at all. and he’ll run into or you’ll scoop him up and call him your itty bitty baby. either way he’s super pleased.

after much thinking, my mom and i have decided that jonas only needs a few things to survive in this world:

diapers, sippy cups on demand, something to bang on, a blanket, and a doggie pillow

that said, who wants baby furniture and rooms full of toys? if you can look past the teeth marks and occasional questionable stain, it’s yours.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

if dhs comes by…

today we went to the lake to visit family from out of town (which will be it’s own post :)). my parents were going to pick jonas and i up somewhere between 8:30-9am, so when the doorbell rang at 8:20 i just assumed it was them.

no. in fact, it was my neighbor who lives in the triplex next door to our house. she started the conversation with a simple:

have you ever seen this car? and gave a description.

while i’m usually pretty observant, i hadn’t noticed this car ever. instead of just saying “ok! just wondering!” she decided to tell me her life story.

in full.


it’s all kind of a blur, but there was something about someone screwing her out of her food stamps, a 30 year old who lives at home and is a hairdresser, an crappy ex-husband-to-be, and someone trying to cause her drama. oh, and if someone from dhs comes over and asks me who all lives at her house, it’s only her and her 2 kids. NOT HER BOYFRIEND, OKAY?!?!?!

my head was spinning a little bit. or a lot. i couldn’t really tell. i was sort of out of it because ZOMG UNSOLICITED INFORMATION FROM A COMPLETE STRANGER AHHHHH.

i quickly snapped back to it when she asked me if i knew the law about shooting someone who was trying to “break in” to your home. i was all like, MY HUSBAND IS A COP. AND SO ARE ALLLLLLLL OF HIS FRIENDS. COPS. LOTS OF ‘EM. BAD BOYS, WHATCHA GONNA DO?

before finishing the song in my head, she was gone. but now i’m completely paranoid that some 30 year old hairdresser is going to get shot next door.

it’s a lovely day in the neighborhood.

Thursday, July 22, 2010



i’m so glad you can’t count yet. because if you could you’d realize that not only is there no 13 month note, but um…this one is like 2 weeks late.


but what’s going on with you?

dude, you’re slimming up. i can almost make out ribs. and i haven’t said anything yet, but man, your abs are looking SWEET. you haven’t really gained any weight (still around 26 lbs), but you look taller. and blonder. you are hanging out in anywhere from 12-18 months clothes, a size 6 shoe, and a size 4 diaper.

you’ve expanded your vocab to the following:

duck, dog, ball, bye bye, mama, dada, gaga (for grammie), no, yeah, go, ba (bite), up, and down

you’ve developed some sort of…i don’t know, face? where you squeeze all of your facial features into the VERY CENTER of your face? i don’t know, but it makes me laugh a lot. add that to your general abilities to make car noise, wookie noises, and farting LOUDLY in public and i’m still shocked why you’re single.

you love the nursery at church, and even walk yourself back there, banging on the door. i don’t know why everytime i hear crying in the nursery i peek in the window to see if it’s you, because it never is. instead, you’ll be standing there, holding a block, looking at whoever is crying like WHOA. I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW YOU WERE IN HERE. OOOH. CHEERIOS.

you’ve recently become the shy baby. like, when anyone comes near you that you aren’t related to, you completely hid your face using my body in whatever way possible, including under my dress. which is fun and all. but you’re heavy. and wiggly. and once whoever it is who has made you shy turns away from you, you beckon them back. CAT AND MOUSE, BABY.

you like to throw balls (or anything that’s round), play with anything that has wheels, and your newest love is DIVING onto doggie pillows. sometimes you miss them, though. which is equally entertaining.

being in the water is also a huge thing for you. actually, yesterday we were outside watering the flowers when you fell into the flower bed. i yanked you up, and you were covered HEAD TO TOE in black soil. it was incredible. especially seeing as i had literally put you in that outfit 10 minutes earlier. but anyway—i decided to just hose you down. and you LOVED every second of it. and when i stopped? you whined a little. so i sprayed you some more. and then some more.

jonas, your daddy and i love you so much. i know for a fact that it breaks your daddy’s heart to be away from you right now. he always wants to know what you’re doing. and he was so glad that you KNEW him when we say him several weeks ago. you mean the world to us…and we are so thankful that we get to watch you turn into this amazing little person.



Sunday, July 18, 2010

a partial family portrait

in my boredom this afternoon, i had the brilliant idea of capturing the STUNNING beauty that is MAMA and JONAS on the web cam.

it’s harder than it looks. 

like, moving toddler + apparently really poorly lit room + general mess of said toddler’s room= some pretty catastrophic photos.

  181411 181418 181419 181449 1814470 1814490181147 181205

i’m just going to assume it’s safe to say that our beauty is too powerful for film. right?

Thursday, July 15, 2010

it’s not a baby ruth.

i’ve been letting jonas feed himself the majority of his meals when we are home. it’s the only way he will learn to eat with a spoon, plus he loves the independence and i like being able to eat my meal, too.

if the meal is something that’s easy to manage, i’ll just wipe him down. but if it’s a serious mess, then we just run to the tub.

so yesterday afternoon after he polished off an especially messy toddler version of spaghetti-o’s, we headed to the tub. bubble baths are a new favorite, so i was excited for him to get to play for a while in the bubbles. only, about 2 minutes after being in the water, he peed.

no problem. i drained the water, and we started over. splash play scrub scrub scrub. just as i was pouring the last cup of water over his head, getting the remaining shampoo out…he leaned forward.

he leaned forward…and then grunted.

and i knew that this wouldn’t be pretty.

after he was finished, he looked at it. and then at me. and then back to it. then back to me. his eyes were really wide as if to say “WHOAAAA. WHAT JUST HAPPENED? WHO POOPED IN THE TUB?”

i wish it had been a baby ruth.

Monday, July 12, 2010

an explanation of sorts

when i was 11, my parents and i planned on spending part of the fourth of july in a movie theater. for a couple of weeks prior it had been decided that we’d watch independence day on the big screen.

and because i was a tween before the word even existed, i had been planning my outfit for weeks. it was going to be the perfect—equal parts sophistication, funkiness, and patriotism. because you know, any outfit that’s decent follows that set of criteria.

yes, my outfit was going to be spectacular for one reason. my hair. my golden locks, still recovering from my decision to “grow up” and have short hair, would be adorned with these:

gold_star_garlandgold star garland, the perfect touch to any hair-do

with these carefully entwined in my hair, anyone who dare lay eyes on me would be overcome with an insatiable envy. the glints of gold, the intricate styling, the sheer patriotism…i mean, who wouldn’t be jealous!?

after hearing my detailed plans (and catching me in the craft closet under the stairs, stars in hand), my mother said “NO.”

that one little word…so piercing, so cruel, so final. didn’t she know that she was silencing the expression of a fashion genius? DIDN’T SHE KNOW SHE WAS RUINING MY WORLD? WHY MUST SHE RUIN MY LIFE?

and so i went to the movies. arms crossed, chin down, and hair so excruciatingly plain.  the popcorn had no buttery, joyful taste, the red hots seemed so-so. i had been stifled. i prayed that one day i’d arrive.


i can’t begin to explain the absolute joy that coursed through my veins when it recently became fashionable to wear hair baubles. i rarely go into public arenas without some sort of obscenely loud and large, sparkly if i can help it, hair accessory. i’m fairly certain i’m the only one who isn’t a scene kid or a toddler wearing these things, but i don’t even care.

so if you’re behind me in the movies and can’t see the screen due to the huge flower attached to my head, i’m sorry. you can take it up with my mother.

Friday, July 9, 2010



so today i had a job interview. and i’m totally not going to go into specifics, because i have no clue if i have the job. and i wont until like, the end of the next week. 

job interviews are tricky….you want to present yourself in the best light, but you don’t want to seem fake. you want to be genuine, but you don’t want to allow negative information get through. you want them to get you, but you don’t want them to get you. if you know what i mean.

to prepare for this interview, i picked the minty-est green dress and paired it with the reddest of cardigans and flats. because who needs to practice interview questions or review the perfect answers when you have a minty-green dress and red flats!?


i do hope i get this job. i mean, besides the whole one income thing sort of sucking, i actually really liked the atmosphere of the office and the other employees. the little tour i had was great, and i actually think i’d fit in really, really well.

and if i don’t get the job? well, i’ll be sad. DUH. but i’ll deal. because that’s what this season of john and my life has been all about…learning to deal when things are hard. we’ve both grown so very much during this period, learning to support each other with our all from afar and learning to lean on each other when everything else seems to fall away. we’ve become accustomed to life throwing us huge curve balls…and sometimes striking us out. but we keep on going, together. 

but between you and me?

i rocked it.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

so gassy.

a couple of weeks ago, i looked outside the front window to see two elementary-aged girls coming to the front door. because it was just a bit past 8pm and jonas had finally gone to sleep, i headed them off and opened the front door before they got there. because all i really needed was a ringing doorbell to wake up the monster.

at first i assumed that they were selling something or that the dog was out. but zeusy was at my feet and because it’s summer, there’s no school fundraisers.

the older of the two was pretty shy, and within 5 minutes my neighbor pulled into their driveway, so she left to talk to them. but the younger one. oh holy sweet baby jesus child.

i learned way too much about the younger one.

in the 25 minute conversation (okay. whatever. it was just her talking and me nodding and saying i needed to go) i learned that her dog just got new food because it was gassy, that she gets gassy when she’s nervous, one time she was at camp and was sharing a bed with a girl and she was SOO gassy, that she has mosquito bites where it’s indecent to itch, and that her grandma is the secretary at her best friend’s school.

it was agonizing. i mean, i like kids. i truly, truly do. but i also like kids that are around their parents so the parents can tell them to chill out when they’re just being TOO MUCH. and hell, i like kids that i actually know. talking to our pastor’s kids/other kids at church? i like that. BECAUSE I KNOW THEM.

i honestly thought that would be it. that’d be the end. no more.

i was so wrong.

a couple of days ago, jonas again has been down for the night for maybe 15 minutes when i hear the doorbell. and i’m all like HELLZ NO. because i wasn’t frankly in the mood to chitchat with a 8 year old for the next hour, i moved my “work station” of bills and laptop to the spare room. then i heard the banging on the door.

then i heard the bell ring 7 times in a row. after about 3 minutes passed, i honestly thought i was in the clear.

but then they rang the doorbell 11 MORE TIMES, with more knocking.

and then jonas woke up screaming. mama’s a little pissed. by the time i calmed him down and went to the door, they were gone.

after what i thought was a HUGE hint that you know, if someone doesn’t answer the door it doesn’t mean to KEEP DOING IT, it happened again today.

DID YOU READ THAT? IT HAPPENED AGAIN TODAY. this time i was actually in the middle of a phone call and jonas was napping (and i promise that my child doesn’t just sleep all day.). so i once again walked to the other room to finish my phone call as they pounded on the door and rang the bell.

i’m going to admit (like you couldn’t already tell) that i’m a pretty passive aggressive person. it’s annoying and i hate it, but it’s who i am. i mean, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, i actually starting writing a note to the parents of these damn kids. it was actually a really nice note, because i have no clue who these people are. but then i kept thinking about and how much it must suck to find your letter on there and I KNOW MINE WOULD BE THE PERFECT FODDER, so i canned it.

but besides be just really rude, risk being the mean lady old lady on the street, what are you supposed to do? i know that my parents would have killed me if they knew i was knocking on strangers’ doors. i could understand it if i had a kid that was near their age but GIVE ME A BREAK, HE’S 14 MONTHS OLD.

now, if you’ll excuse me, i need to go sit on my front porch and yell at the neighbor kids as they ride their bikes down the street.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

the battlefield

today jonas and i went to a play-date with two girls i went to school with back in the day. it was a fantastic event, and we look forward to future experiences like that. i think that one of the reasons that it went well was that it seemed that all three of us had a similar-enough parenting style.

i’ve got to say that there are certain people that i’d be terrified to have a play-date with. not because i think that they’d pull a knife on me or have a huge marijuana plant in their bathtub (well. maybe. you never know. BUT I’M MARRIED TO A COP. JUST TO PUT IT OUT THERE.). it’s even worse than that.

i’m totally terrified that i’ll get pulled into a group that’s either filled with ├╝ber fundies that will judge me for my lackluster length of hair and love of pants or a group of people who write unintelligible facebook status updates. because we all know I LURVE trying to decipher them. and honestly, who doesn’t? RITE, GURRRL? GIT WAT I MEAN? 4 REEL. LOLZ.

play-dates/groups are really a mystery to me. i think that they’re important for the gaggle of SAHMs out there for a chance to not only teach their kids to interact with other short humans, but also a time for those mamas to compare notes, kick back, and just relax.

but on the other hand (and i know it’s just me because I AM THE MOST COMPETIVE person on earth), i think it’s a chance for mom’s to size up the competition. these are the kids that your child will be fighting against on the playground. these are the children that your child will be playing organized sports against. these are the kids that your child will go up against when it comes to college scholarships.

so bring it on, mamas.

you know, as long as i approve of your facebook status updating abilities.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

lord of the fruit flies

do you know what’s awesome?

oh, you don’t? well, let me tell you.

it’s awesome to return after a 4 day trip to a home where fruit flies have invaded due to a bunch of bananas that are past their prime.

i think that jonas may have broken (or hairline fractured) my nose. i thought he was being all sweet and stuff by coming in for a kiss.

instead he knocked the hell out of my nose. it bled. he clapped.

he’s tasted blood. and he’s hungry for more.

zeusy wasn’t de-tufted during his stay at the “breese hilton”, so it was a cool surprise to find that my from my shoulders to the back of my knees where coated in dog hair from his seat in the backseat.

it was even better to discover this 15 minutes after entering walmart.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

the few, the proud, the husband.


do you remember the feeling you had when it was christmas eve, just in the beginning hours of christmas morning? when the excitement and anticipation of knowing that there are going to be some amazing gifts waiting for you? and then christmas morning comes and EVERYTHING that you could have wished for was there, waiting for you under the tree? and just when you thought you had died and gone to heaven, you turn your head and FAR underneath the tree there is one more box to open?

that’s how my weekend was. that’s what it felt like to get to be with john for three days in a row. and that bonus gift? the one hidden way under the tree? that was getting to see him again for literally 30 seconds sunday morning.

watching him almost tear up while he watched jonas walk for the first time. falling asleep on the comfy bed with him…only to pull jonas up with us for an extra long nap. stealing kisses and hugs whenever i could. watching john and jonas play chase, peek-a-boo, and general rough housing.

it was my perfect christmas morning.

if you’ve never been able to attend a military graduation of any kind, i suggest you make friends with someone in basic and go. the precision of EVERYTHING is incredible. from the way that their chairs all made the same slapping noise as they all stood together to the sound of 184 voices reciting the solider’s creed:

I am an American Soldier.

I am a Warrior and a member of a team. I serve the people of the United States and live the Army Values.

I will always place the mission first.

I will never accept defeat.

I will never quit.

I will never leave a fallen comrade.

I am disciplined, physically and mentally tough, trained and proficient in my warrior tasks and drills. I always maintain my arms, my equipment and myself.

I am an expert and I am a professional.

I stand ready to deploy, engage, and destroy the enemies of the United States of America in close combat.

I am a guardian of freedom and the American way of life.

I am an American Soldier.


there is no way you will not be moved.

i can’t begin to express how proud i am of john. his personality was meant to serve others. it was evident before, just based on his lines of work (the children’s shelter and then the police department). but watching him in his newest role, as a soldier…i am so grateful to be married to a man who is willing to give everything.

and because i’m completely lame and the only picture i took of the entire ceremony was of an UPLIT AMERICAN FLAG, i have no photo documentation of john’s graduation. or when he tripped a little coming down the stairs. or how hot he looks in his military uniforms.

but trust me. it’s hot.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

road trip, the pre-pack list

on wednesday, jonas and i will embark on our first cross-country road trip. and by cross-country i basically mean that we will leave the wonder that is northwest arkansas and head straight to the pit of hell that is lawton, oklahoma.

i don’t know about you, but i for one am so excited to drive FIVE HOURS ONE WAY with a one year old. and if it becomes a battle of who will survive, i’d place my bets on the one who still poops their pants (um, jonas).

i’ve been slowly packing and gathering and stuffing and tucking and cramming things. because with a menace to society toddler like i have, you can never pack enough mace. kidding. we prefer tasers. while i’ve always judge the parents who put their toddlers on a leash (and you can say all you want that it’s just a cute monkey backpack with a really long tail for you to hang on to! oo! IT’S A LEASH. RUFF RUFF.), i’ve found myself being pulled to their strong pull in each store i go. (don’t worry. jonas won’t be sporting harness). but jonas is requiring enough items to fill a small uhaul himself.

and then there’s john. my hot little husband. who is basically requesting that i pack entire left side of our house. and i get that he’s only asking because he’s been without stuff for so long, and we don’t want me to have to ship a ton of stuff to him later.

so tonight he sends me a text with everything that he wants me to bring to him. it’s a lot of basic stuff, plus some things like ether net cords which he had to describe to me so i’d grab the right thing. and then he mentioned something like “WOW. I WISH WE HAD A SPARE TV LOLZ.”*

lolz indeed, john. lolz indeed.

and then he casually mentions that maybe a change of clothes or something. YOU WANT ME TO BRING YOU A TV, BUT ARE ON THE FENCE ABOUT CLOTHES? so of course, i’m now waiting for said clothes to dry. because i’m not just bringing him a change of clothes. i’m actually giving him options. you know, like a couple pairs of shorts, jeans, and several shirts. i don’t know how often he’ll be allowed to wear street clothes, but come on. just ONE change of clothes?

*lolz was not actually said. but because it’s 11:42pm and i just had a waffle for dinner, i’m taking poetic license. whatevs.

Monday, June 28, 2010


two years ago today, we got married.


two years ago today, i walked down the aisle to this song.

"The Way I Am"
If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.
Cause I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.
If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.
Cause I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.
I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.
Cause I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.

two years ago today, friends and family gathered to celebrate our vows.

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two years ago today, our friends made you blush.

(it’s okay, i blushed too).


two years ago today, we shared our first meal as husband and wife. cake.

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two years ago today, we were so silly.

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two years ago today, we started our lives no longer as two, but as one.

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and today, today i love you more than i did two years ago.


happy anniversary, johnny.