for the past few months, i have felt so lonely.
i don't know. i don't get it, either.
even when i'm in a room with dozens of other people, i find myself sitting alone. well, actually, sitting with jonas. but he just laughs at me when i talk. places where you normally would never think about being lonely...and there i am, freaking out silently in my head.
the next portion is said not to offend, hurt, or whatever to anyone. i just need. it. out. of. me.
i don't understand why i feel so alienated. like, a bit over a month ago we had this potluck at church. and just about everyone was there. everyone went in line to grab their food, i ended up being at the end. when i went to look for a seat, what was once a big circle was now broken up into a small circle and other chairs just discarded in some sort of lumpy disorder. and because i didn't fit into any of the groups (both literally and figuratively), because i felt like i didn't have a friend there at all, i sat alone. well, with jonas. balancing a paper plate of salad and a roll on my knees. it was so awkward, you know?
it was so lonely.
it's part of the reason why i stopped going to women's group last year (well, on top of the INSANE drama, being pregnant and sleepy, and not being able to see well at night). and it'll be the reason that i probably won't go to women's group this year...even though i lie to myself and say i'll atleast try.
and really, it's just my own fault. i'm not the person who has to talk and talk. i'm not the person who dominates you. i'm not the person is out-going. i'm just not.
so i sit. on the fringe. terrified, awkward, and thankful i atleast have a baby to distract me.
it's not just a church thing.
it's more of a "i feel so uncomfortable" thing, and that was the most blaring example in my mind. you know?
it's like i'm running and running and running so hard, only to realize that i'm on a treadmill and going no where. it's a "i can't breathe" sort of thing. it's a "pretty sure that everyone knows my personal business" sort of thing. it's a "i'm positive that people talk crap about me" sort of thing.
you know. the usual.
recently i have realized that i have to watch what i say and to whom. i feel like i have to be careful of my words, of expressing my feelings because you never know who the person you trusted will tell.
it is so lonely.
this isn't meant to be a "woe is me" post. this isn't directed at anyone (and good grief, it sucks having to put a disclaimer on your shit).
it's just so lonely, you know?