Monday, November 9, 2009

singular

for the past few months, i have felt so lonely.
i don't know. i don't get it, either.

even when i'm in a room with dozens of other people, i find myself sitting alone. well, actually, sitting with jonas. but he just laughs at me when i talk. places where you normally would never think about being lonely...and there i am, freaking out silently in my head.

the next portion is said not to offend, hurt, or whatever to anyone. i just need. it. out. of. me.

i don't understand why i feel so alienated. like, a bit over a month ago we had this potluck at church. and just about everyone was there. everyone went in line to grab their food, i ended up being at the end. when i went to look for a seat, what was once a big circle was now broken up into a small circle and other chairs just discarded in some sort of lumpy disorder. and because i didn't fit into any of the groups (both literally and figuratively), because i felt like i didn't have a friend there at all, i sat alone. well, with jonas. balancing a paper plate of salad and a roll on my knees. it was so awkward, you know?

it was so lonely.

it's part of the reason why i stopped going to women's group last year (well, on top of the INSANE drama, being pregnant and sleepy, and not being able to see well at night). and it'll be the reason that i probably won't go to women's group this year...even though i lie to myself and say i'll atleast try.

and really, it's just my own fault. i'm not the person who has to talk and talk. i'm not the person who dominates you. i'm not the person is out-going. i'm just not.

so i sit. on the fringe. terrified, awkward, and thankful i atleast have a baby to distract me.

...

it's not just a church thing.

it's more of a "i feel so uncomfortable" thing, and that was the most blaring example in my mind. you know?

it's like i'm running and running and running so hard, only to realize that i'm on a treadmill and going no where. it's a "i can't breathe" sort of thing. it's a "pretty sure that everyone knows my personal business" sort of thing. it's a "i'm positive that people talk crap about me" sort of thing.

you know. the usual.

...

recently i have realized that i have to watch what i say and to whom. i feel like i have to be careful of my words, of expressing my feelings because you never know who the person you trusted will tell.

it is so lonely.

...

this isn't meant to be a "woe is me" post. this isn't directed at anyone (and good grief, it sucks having to put a disclaimer on your shit).

it's just so lonely, you know?

4 comments:

Silvy said...

hugs wendy! not that it makes it any better, but i think everyone can relate to your feelings. especially with a new baby, i often feel alienanted from my non-married and non-baby friends. keep your head up and know that if you are lucky to come home to a husband and baby who love you to death!!

Kim J said...

I totally "get" how you feel. I feel that way all the time. I've been told that most people think I'm a "bitch" or "too good for everyone else", but that is so far from the truth. I just feel uncomfortable around people that I don't know. I have nothing interesting to say. I hope you find a way to feel comfortable among the crowds, I never have.
Big hugs to you!
Love you
Kim

Jaye T. said...

Wendy,

I totally understand what you & Kim are saying. I've been there too. My entire time at Vintage I felt that way, so I'm SO SORRY you feel that way too. If you need a friend to talk to, shop with, or eat Taco Bell with just let me know. :) We really do need to get the boys together since they haven't meet yet. Would you be up for lunch on a Friday? I could make something or we could grab something, whatever would work for you. Let me know. Have a WONDERFUL day & know that you are loved!!!!

Jennifer said...

I can completely relate to this post. In any social situation, I'm the one off in the corner alone as well. I just don't know how to do it. I'm sorry you're feeling so alienated. I wish I knew how to help you. Because then I might know how to fix it for myself as well. I hope you can find a place you feel you fit in soon.