Monday, November 30, 2009

terror.

from my extensive (ha.) experience as a mom, i'm going to let you in on one of the most terrifying things i have experienced to date (regarding my child, atleast. sprickets are in their own category of horror).

imagine my surprise when i walk in to "wake" him up one morning last week and HE POPS UP. POPS. i just about screamed. it was not unlike my reaction while watching the movie "halloween" when jamie lee curtis kills michael myers, sends the kids out of the house, and slumps to the ground, exhausted. only SUDDENLY, he's not dead. and he just POPS back up slowly, and out of focus. and everyone screams and is scared and wants to puke.

or is that just me?

anyway, i really hate surprises. and being scared. and it makes me just want to puke everywhere because i get all crazy in my stomach and suddenly it's hitting my uvula and making me gag. and then i want to die. because i hate puking.

i'm thinking i have some control issues.

Monday, November 23, 2009

supermarket sweep

on saturday jonas, his grammie, and i braved the world. we decided to go shopping at not only hobby lobby but also walmart. on a saturday. before thanksgiving.

we may not be the brightest, but we sure are cute.

anyway. hobby lobby was bumper to bumper traffic inside. but there were necessities! NECESSITIES! jonas NEEDED his first christmas stocking. and stocking holder. and things for his baby mobile i'm making (even though he's almost seven months old).

so we trudged through, and made it out alive. jonas (with aide from the grams) re-hydrated himself on the short drive to wal-mart. and thank god he did. because he was going to need every ounce of strength.

wal-mart was insane. not quite the day after thanksgiving sort of crazy, but you can imagine the saturday BEFORE thanksgiving madness. and to make it ALL THE MORE FUN, jonas decided that he was sleepy. very sleepy. VERY SLEEPY.

so there i was, in my own episode of supermarket sweep.



9 boxes of cream cheese? check.
3 tubs of sour cream? check.
1 box graham crackers? check.
3 boxes of instant banana pudding? che-OMG WHERE'S THE PUDDING?

that's right. my perfect score was totally ruined by three damn boxes of instant pudding. were they in the baking aisle? no. were they in the "confectionery" areas? NO.

do you want to know where they were? where THREE BOXES OF BANANA PUDDING CAN BE FOUND IN WAL-MART?

try the canned meat aisle.

wtf. someone in wal-mart's planning team just had to have a giggle fit over that one, imagining the poor loser searching in vain for banana pudding only to have it be next to the spam.

Friday, November 20, 2009

plaid delight.

i know that this might come as an utter and total shock to you...but i'm not domestic. and it's not like i'm just not good at cooking. or baking. or cleaning. or laundry. i equally suck at all of them.

people, i've ruined canned tomato soup. apparently if you want to jazz it up with a spice, it's not the best idea to forgo looking at labels and pick your spice solely on color. because then you end up sweating while eating your soup, trying to convince your (then) fiance that it's just expired and that's why it's SO DAMN HOT...instead of him finding the "red spice" that winded up being cayenne pepper.

it's quite an accomplishment.

that all said, i think that i must have been delusional when i offered to bake 2 cheesecakes and a pumpkin pie for thanksgiving. you know, to give my grandma a break. and when my mom said,"how about you make a new york style cheesecake!"

i said,"SURE!!"

and right after i uttered that one simple word, i immediately felt like one of those sorority girls who wakes up one morning with a massive headache, only to see facebook photos of their poor choices from the night before.

this was bad news.

so i did a little research. i found a recipe for new york style cheesecake, and decided that it was best for everyone involved if i made a "test" cake. you know, just incase it ended up being poisonous or something. i didn't want to be the one to take out three different parts of my family in a 2 day span.

i baked, i mixed, i crushed graham crackers.

and i'd be all but lying if that was not probably the best tasting cheesecake i have ever had. like, i'm the queen of this cheesecake. the master.

i da man. who da man? yes, yes i da man.

(excuse me, i have to get my kanye-sized ego head a little release).

Monday, November 16, 2009

under attack.

today we're venturing to the depths of the untouched lands, where wild babies roam.

ah, here's one now.



we should be safe unless we get in his line of vision.



oh crap. be very still. they're known to charge in an instant.



oh my god! run!



save yourselves...i'm a goner.

stench

on saturday, jonas, his grammie, and i ventured out into the world of target and wal-mart.

in his diaper bag, i'm ALWAYS prepared with wipes and diapers and butt creams and WHAT IF HE NEEDS MEDICINE!? so basically, i always carry everything so when something pops up, i'm covered. except for burp clothes. i never grab those. but...oh well.

ANYWAY. so like i said, we were just minding our own business in the middle of the baby section of target (aka mecca for pregnant chicks)and my nose starts to twitch. the baby that i was holding was emiting a smell that i wouldn't force on my worst enemy.

so i did what any good mother would do, and handed him off to my mom. i finished my shopping in that aisle, and looked over to see her almost tearing up because of the odor. she silently screamed "DIAPER CHANGE NOW!". i pilfered through his bag, grabbing a diaper and the wip--wait. the wipes. were not in the bag. where the hell are my wipes?

panic set in. and people, you're probably thinking, "it's just a little poop." no. NO IT'S NOT JUST A LITTLE POOP. WE ARE TALKING HIGH TERRORISM ALERT, THIS IS A RED PEOPLE. A RED ALERT.

i chucked the kid back to mom, grabbed some wipes from the shelf, and ran to the front of the store to check out. then she tossed him back to me, and i beelined our butts to the family bathroom. because really, it may be illegal to expose others to that sort of toxin.

i laid him on the changing table, took a deep breath, and opened his diaper.

only, there was nothing there. NOTHING. shocked, i changed his diaper, and loaded him back into the shopping cart.

we continued our errands, next landing at wal-mart. while holding jonas in the baby clothes, my nose wasn't twitching...but it was burning. and i could feel my tasty lunch lurching higher and higher and HIGHER. mom grabbed the kid as i walked a few feet away, doubled over and dry-heaving. i really thougth i was just going to puke everywhere, but luckily was spared. we loaded him BACK into the car, just knowing that we'd have a mess on our hands when we got back to my parents' house.

and yet, there was nothing.

at this point, i'm becoming terrified. because there was NO way that all that stench would just let me off the hook. i knew that there was going to be a diaster coming soon, and when i least expected it.

the rest of the evening was oddly calm. not until i unloaded him from our car did i look down to see poop. all. over. my. shirt. and one toothy little grin.

blegh.

Monday, November 9, 2009

singular

for the past few months, i have felt so lonely.
i don't know. i don't get it, either.

even when i'm in a room with dozens of other people, i find myself sitting alone. well, actually, sitting with jonas. but he just laughs at me when i talk. places where you normally would never think about being lonely...and there i am, freaking out silently in my head.

the next portion is said not to offend, hurt, or whatever to anyone. i just need. it. out. of. me.

i don't understand why i feel so alienated. like, a bit over a month ago we had this potluck at church. and just about everyone was there. everyone went in line to grab their food, i ended up being at the end. when i went to look for a seat, what was once a big circle was now broken up into a small circle and other chairs just discarded in some sort of lumpy disorder. and because i didn't fit into any of the groups (both literally and figuratively), because i felt like i didn't have a friend there at all, i sat alone. well, with jonas. balancing a paper plate of salad and a roll on my knees. it was so awkward, you know?

it was so lonely.

it's part of the reason why i stopped going to women's group last year (well, on top of the INSANE drama, being pregnant and sleepy, and not being able to see well at night). and it'll be the reason that i probably won't go to women's group this year...even though i lie to myself and say i'll atleast try.

and really, it's just my own fault. i'm not the person who has to talk and talk. i'm not the person who dominates you. i'm not the person is out-going. i'm just not.

so i sit. on the fringe. terrified, awkward, and thankful i atleast have a baby to distract me.

...

it's not just a church thing.

it's more of a "i feel so uncomfortable" thing, and that was the most blaring example in my mind. you know?

it's like i'm running and running and running so hard, only to realize that i'm on a treadmill and going no where. it's a "i can't breathe" sort of thing. it's a "pretty sure that everyone knows my personal business" sort of thing. it's a "i'm positive that people talk crap about me" sort of thing.

you know. the usual.

...

recently i have realized that i have to watch what i say and to whom. i feel like i have to be careful of my words, of expressing my feelings because you never know who the person you trusted will tell.

it is so lonely.

...

this isn't meant to be a "woe is me" post. this isn't directed at anyone (and good grief, it sucks having to put a disclaimer on your shit).

it's just so lonely, you know?

Sunday, November 8, 2009

264,960 minutes in heaven

jonas,

you are six months old today. or, you know...264,960 minutes and counting. or 185 days. or something like that.

not that i'm counting or anything.

unless another one shoots from your gums in the next few seconds, you currently have FOUR dazzling (and omg, seriously, little razorsharp) teeth. you have brought me to tears a few times simply by taking a quick chomp as my finger went by your face.

i think my favorite (or, maybe one of my favorite) things that is just a "mommy and monster" time thing is our mornings. every morning, i hear you cooing and laughing, and talking to your blankie and the dots that are on your bedding. and every morning, i sneak into your room and say "jooooo-nas. good morrrrrning!"

and you turn to look at me, collapse from your hands and knees pose onto your belly, and kick your legs and wave your arms SO fast, squeeling. and then i scoop you up, change your rank (and do i mean RANK) diaper, and we go sit in the big green chair, smothered in blankets, and drink a bottle while we watch the today show. you'll finish your bottle, and then just sit there, clutching the edge of the blanket, completely soaking up what matt and meredith have to say.

you love to eat, and you love to eat when we do. sweet potatoes, bananas, pears, applesauce, peas, green beans, lima beans, mango, oatmeal...and you had turkey for the first time today. you live for food. which is pretty evident in your incredible rolls on your thighs. people ask me what happened to my skinny baby, and I just have to say two words: sweet potatoes.

you are all about sitting unsupported and getting on all fours. you "swim", kick your legs, and wiggle with the best of them. you love grabbing puppies when they least expect it, and clutching your bottle as if it were your source of oxygen.

you amaze us daily. you are more and more fun for your daddy, and that makes me so happy. it's so much fun to see your personality come out more each day...and I'm not sure if the world is ready for how dynamic you are.

we love you. wholey and completely.

mama.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

honest scrap

the lovely ness has included me in a sort of honest blog thing. i think.

ANYWAY!!

because being so appointed, i must now list ten honest things about myself:

1. i started coloring my hair when i was 13 years old, and with the past almost year, haven't had color on it at all. i'm finally able to see what my true hair color is...and it happens to be a lovely combination shade of stagnant water mixed with a dash of ear wax.

2. if i enter some sort of creative content contest...i usually atleast end up being a semi-finalist. i don't get it either.

3. on saturday, i turned 25. on monday, i started having pains in my left hand. i may have googled "signs of osteoporsis".

4. i always have these BRILLIANT ideas. and then i get started on them. and then i get bored. so wind up having about 147 half-assed ideas crammed into closets and under the couch.

5. since birthin' a child, i have never realized that i'm able to juggle so many different things. sure, some plates get broken in the process, but it's sort of neat seeing them all spinning for one fleeting second.

6. i can't do a cartwheel. i blame it on my thighs.

7. i sort of talk fast. sometimes i talk so fast that even i have no clue what i just said.

8. i'm the person who laughs when people fall down. i'm a bad, bad person. i know.

9. i have this thing about getting my face wet. so i don't really, um, wash my face. i'm gross. i know. but hey, no acne!

10. i cannot remember the last time i shaved my legs. ugh.


the rest of the rules....
1. Must thank the person who gave you the award and list their blog and link it. (thanks, ness!!)
2. share 10 honest things about yourself...
3. Present this award to 7 others whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged you.
4. Tell those 7 people they've been awarded HONEST SCRAP and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award.

and for the blogs...

1. silvy has a seriously cute kiddo that's just a month older than jonas. i love reading her blogs so i know what i'm about to get myself into.

2. stephanie is a newly wed, and frankly, i do love me some weddings and love stories. damn ovaries.

3. leslye is possibly one of the most creative people i have ever (briefly) met. and talented. at everything. while i just sit there, clapping to myself because i figured out how to turn the DVR on.

4. alli i think found my blog through the sling and swaddle journey i was able to take part in, and has probably the prettiest babies out there. her sweet evie and jonas are almost birthday buddies!

5. john is my hilarious husband who never freaking updates his blog. but you should really harass him and force him to. he's a funny man.

6. jamie and sarah are newlyweds who are just awesome people. and yet, they also majorily suck at updating their blog. be mean to them. make them update.

7. these ladies...want snark? want warmth and generousity? want laughs? read it.

Monday, November 2, 2009

25

i spent my twenty-fifth birthday escorting a ghost buster husband and a gnome to visit some friends and family. while the ghostbuster was too fast to capture on film, luckily the gnome can't walk.



(psst. your belt fell down.)



ah. much better.

hope everyone had a happy halloween, from our gnome to yours!