i've briefly mentioned before my struggles with breastmilk production. i've never had an awesome supply, no matter what i did. i'd hear other moms complaining about their supply, about how they could only pump so many ounces in one sitting.
and i'd sit there, blank faced, just wishing that i was able to produce what they were.
as a new mom, you have times of feeling inadequate. and feeling that you are not able to provide the most basic of things, like breastmilk, to your child is absolutely crushing.
lately, it's only gotten worse. yes, he will eat "straight from the source" easily, but you can't gauge how much he eats. and pumping...i've begun to fear having to pump because it's just a slap in the face when you try so hard and get so little.
earlier this week (hell, all of the time) i got asked if i was breastfeeding by basically a stranger. when i replied that i was, i got amazing praise. i wonder what her reaction would have been if i had said no?
our once skinny little guy is for sure rapidly getting chubby, however. he's taken to eating like a big boy with great vigor. the other night, i sort of had a manic "must make baby food supply that will last forever" moment. and i stood there, crying over sweet potatoes, asking john to watch jonas for me so i could work. john did so with no issue, but asked me why i just didn't do it another day, another time.
i couldn't explain it, but i think it has to do with my ability to make breastmilk. i felt that if i was unable to provide that for him, i was going to be positive that i was able to provide nourishment for him SOMEHOW. and making all of this baby food (and people, there's a lot in there. sweet potatoes, pears, mangoes, bananas, avocados...) some how made me feel validated. made me feel like i wasn't inadequate afterall.
i think that i will still try to pump. i know that i will still nurse jonas whenever i can. i still want to feel that tummy to tummy contact, that warmth, that closeness that comes while we snuggle as he eats.
and i'm trying hard to be okay with bottles of formula being his mainstay.