Friday, September 18, 2009

inadequate

i've briefly mentioned before my struggles with breastmilk production. i've never had an awesome supply, no matter what i did. i'd hear other moms complaining about their supply, about how they could only pump so many ounces in one sitting.

and i'd sit there, blank faced, just wishing that i was able to produce what they were.

as a new mom, you have times of feeling inadequate. and feeling that you are not able to provide the most basic of things, like breastmilk, to your child is absolutely crushing.

lately, it's only gotten worse. yes, he will eat "straight from the source" easily, but you can't gauge how much he eats. and pumping...i've begun to fear having to pump because it's just a slap in the face when you try so hard and get so little.

earlier this week (hell, all of the time) i got asked if i was breastfeeding by basically a stranger. when i replied that i was, i got amazing praise. i wonder what her reaction would have been if i had said no?

our once skinny little guy is for sure rapidly getting chubby, however. he's taken to eating like a big boy with great vigor. the other night, i sort of had a manic "must make baby food supply that will last forever" moment. and i stood there, crying over sweet potatoes, asking john to watch jonas for me so i could work. john did so with no issue, but asked me why i just didn't do it another day, another time.

i couldn't explain it, but i think it has to do with my ability to make breastmilk. i felt that if i was unable to provide that for him, i was going to be positive that i was able to provide nourishment for him SOMEHOW. and making all of this baby food (and people, there's a lot in there. sweet potatoes, pears, mangoes, bananas, avocados...) some how made me feel validated. made me feel like i wasn't inadequate afterall.

i think that i will still try to pump. i know that i will still nurse jonas whenever i can. i still want to feel that tummy to tummy contact, that warmth, that closeness that comes while we snuggle as he eats.

and i'm trying hard to be okay with bottles of formula being his mainstay.

3 comments:

Alli said...

FWIW, I've never gotten much when pumping (last night, I pumped for 30 minutes and got less than an ounce), but I've never had issues with making enough for my babies. What makes you think you aren't making enough now? Once the supply evens out, you might not necessarily feel full, but you could still have plenty for Jonas.

Anyway, you can e-mail me if you want to talk about it a little more, or maybe you could call a lactation consultant to see if she could help you out a little. Of course, I'm not suggesting that what you are doing isn't enough, I just want to make sure you have all the support and info you need if you want to keep breastfeeding. :)

Jaye T. said...

Wendy, it's hard for us Mommy's when things don't go the way we think they should go or compare ourselves or boys to others. I struggled with nursing from day one and finally gave it up last week. It wasn't easy for me because I still feel guilty for not being the perfect mom, but I have to remind myself that it's the bond with me not the food source Jackson is wanting. My milk supply went down a lot when I went back to work & tried pumping 15 times a week & couldn't keep up with Jackson's demand while I was at work. Remember that whatever works for you is the best for Jonas & don't worry about what other people think. You're the Mommy & know what's best!!! Love you girl.

wendy said...

ugh, thank you guys. it feels better knowing that i'm not the only one...and having support.

jaye t., going back to work KILLD my supply. i started back when he was only 5 weeks old...and it just went downhill from there.

i think i'm still going to nurse a little at home, but am feeling much better about making a bottle to feed him instead. but man, why do people think that bottle feeding is easier!? i can whip out a boob in 1.2 seconds. but a bottle? that takes time :)