Friday, July 31, 2009


to the subway employee who made my sandwich today:

as if i didn't love you enough already for making my veggie flatbread so deliciously perfect, i would have for sure kissed you smack dab on the lips if for saying that i had lost my baby weight so quickly and that i looked amazing. if it hadn't had been for that sneezeguard barricade, i would have.

i know that you were just being nice, and of course the best way to make a new momma feel better is to tell them how awesome they look.

on the other hand, my ass looks AMAZING in these jeans.


to the makers of the evenflo manual breastpump:

so i bought this yesterday for our trip to okc this weekend. we just live far enough that a feeding will have to happen while we're on the road, and i am not prepared to straddle the carseat in order to climb to the back seat and illegally feed my child from the ta-ta.

i gave it a test-run last night, and SWEET LORD ALMIGHTY i had a hand cramp to end all hand cramps. seriously. my hands stiiiiiiiiiiiiiill hurt today, and it's been like 17 hours since i tried it. on the plus side, my hands are now nice and toned.


we're going to OKC!! once i get off work!! for the weekend!!

i'm just a little bit excited, and i really hope that jonas is charming and cute and all that stuff so that we can get some potential and willing baby-sitters out of this jig. i mean, we ARE going to force our child upon them at some point, but hopefully this way they'll actually want to.

jonas can just about fit into his chucks, which makes my heart mmmmmmmelt into a big gooey mom puddle.

we're going to be those people that i always gave dirty looks to, and bring our now infant (hell yeah, we're not a newborn anymore) to the movies. when asked what i would do if he started crying, i simply replied "this is why i have nipples". which really would work for soothing jonas or john.

so hopefully there will be some pictures to post this weekend of the monster and his aunts and uncles (and cousin sampson).

Thursday, July 30, 2009

show us your life...

i've been reading kelly's blog since january when her baby girl was born with some issues. she's a local mom, and is known as one of the power mommy bloggers.

lately she's been doing a "show us your life" series, where you have the chance to show everyone a little sliver of your life. i planned on doing it last week with the wedding dress one, but realized i missed it when i saw it on silvy's blog several days ago :(. so now i'm joining in! so here are my wedding party, flowers, and dress!

we got married on june 28, 2008 at chapel on the creeks in rogers, arkansas.

i really love bright colors, and modeled the "scheme" after the dr. suess book, "oh, the places you'll go". i think that it turned out fun, whimsical, and unique.

john and i aren't traditional people. and we kept true to form by having music that we actually liked rather than the standard wedding music play. before the wedding started, there was just a mix of fun love songs playing. we had our parents and grandparents walk down the aisle to "going to the chapel", and then the boys entered to "500 miles" (don't act like you don't know what song i'm talking about...and i would walk 500 miles, and i would walk 500 more) was between that and the theme song to sanford & son.

i wish i was kidding.

the girls and i walked down to the song "the way i am" by ingrid michealson, which is one of my favorite love songs ever. "all you need is love" was our recessional.

the flowers were all silk, and i couldn't have been happier with that choice. i was able to get exactly what i wanted (and my mom made all of the bouquets). i decided that i didn't want to decorate inside the chapel at all; the busy and blod colors just radiated off the white walls and stain-glass windows.

my bridesmaids were staci (a friend of several years i had met at work), carole (one of john's best friend's then-fiancee), whitney (john's sister), and maggie (my ultra cute flowergirl i was a nanny for). john had a chris (a childhood friend), and zach and jamie (best friends from college).

my wedding dress was simple. it was strapless ivory satin with no beading or train, and i added a ribbon around the waist. i made my birdcage veil and found my earrings in a local boutique. i love the dresses the girls' wore...i wanted something fun and flirty that they'd might wear again as a great cocktail dress.

it was all i could have asked for and more. we got married in the perfect venue with friends surrounding us. our photographer (philip thomas of novo studios) was incredible and gave us one helluva deal. if i had to do it all over again, there's nothing i'd change.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

closing in on 12 weeks


you are ALLLLLLLLMOST 12 weeks old. and you are absolutely incredible.

you have three different moods. there's the OMG I'M SO PISSED, the infant randome stare, and the crazy giggler. the giggler is by far the favorite for obvious reasons. it's become pretty clear that you look like your daddy hardcore, but you for sure have my smile and dimples.

you went to the lake for the first time this past month. you were quite the stud in your swim trunks and bucket hat. and everything was going great until we went out into the water. it was a WEE bit cold...and you'd adjust pretty well while i slowly would dip you in. but then the wind picked up and that was it. you were all like WOMAN, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? GET ME OUT. NOW. and so i did.

you still love standing. all. of. the. time. which is great because your neck, trunk, and legs are getting stronger by the day. and the stronger you get the faster you'll walk. and the faster you walk, the sooner you can start making me salami sandwiches. thankyouverymuch.

besides standing, you love your playmat and that SO COMPLETELY NOT ANNOYING song it plays. you love the bumbo. and you LOVE petting zeusy.

you're sleeping better. you're not sleeping through the night yet, and while i'd LOVE it if you did, it's okay that you're not there yet. you for sure give us a 5 hour stretch, and in my book, that's a-okay. i can't let you cry it out, i just don't believe in it. but we are starting to let you put yourself to sleep...which means that some crying will happen, it's just inevitable. last night was our first night and you gave me the battle royale until i let you sleep on your tummy. after i flipped you over, you PASSED out like an old man after thanksgiving dinner. tonight (so far atleast) you're doing great and have been asleep on your own for about 30 minutes.

of course i just cursed myself and you will wake up in 5 minutes. because that's what we do. we puke on Mommy or ourself whenever our outfits are super cute. we have MASSIVE nipple to back of neck blowouts when we pull into a store parking lot.

but look at this face...

you're adorable, partner.


Tuesday, July 21, 2009

scout's honor

on friday, jonas spent half of the day at work with me. we didn't have any patients that afternoon, and i knew that i'd literally be the only person in the office from 2 to it wasn't going to be a big deal that a normally sweet little monster crashed with me for a couple of hours.

after work, i needed to run to target to pick up a gift for mini-batman's birthday. as i pulled into the parking lot, a MIGHTY rumble followed by a baby coo sounded from the back seat. i pull into the parking spot with ease, not really knowing what was waiting for me in the back seat.

when i go to get jonas out of his carrier, i see it. poo. everywhere. no where where it's supposed to be. on the seat. the sailor onesie. on baby thighs. on baby hands. i quickly realized that this was a serious situation.

donning my hazmat suit, i entered the back seat of my 2002 vw beetle. which is obviously the PERFECT choice of vehicle when having an infant. anyway, i get in the back seat and quickly start going into mom-mode. diapers...check. diaper cream...check. diaper, what?

yeah. i only had one diaper wipe. ONE WIPE that was supposed to clean the wreckage that came blasting out of my child. rome wasn't built in a day, and one freaking wipe will not clean a pooey mess the literal size of rhode island. (disclaimer: i know that the pooey mess wasn't LITERALLY the size of rhode island, but i say it sometimes just to annoy john).

it was then i knew what had to happen. a blanket had to be sacrificed to the gods. it wasn't like i wanted to chemically destroy one of his blankets, and if i would have had a firehose handy, i would have certainly just hosed my child's butt (and thighs. and hands. and entire right side of his carseat) off. but i didn't.

we finally escaped the backseat of the beetle (oh yeah. forgot that's what we were crammed in? i didn't), gasping for air and falling to our knees, praising the sweet baby Jesus that we had made it out with only a few casualities.

needless to say (but i'm going to anyway. duh.), girl scouts don't ever stress the necessity of always being prepared. just SELL THE DAMN COOKIES OR DIE, BITCHES. the boy scouts get all the sound advice (and the great hats!).

Friday, July 17, 2009


you read that title right. that's the noise i make when i try to hoist my mammoth monster child around in his carseat like all the other moms seem to do with ease.

maybe i'm just seriously that much of a pansy, but that biatch is heavy. i didn't realize that you were suddenly supposed to be able to lift things like small cars after giving birth. i bet it's because i got an epidural. because those mean you're weak, right?

anyway, i have never used this carseat before (you know, the infant carrier type) with jonas. and just started to this past week because i've been taking the beetle to work, and am just lazy enough to not want to take out the carseat from the other car. i can snap it in and out like a pro, but damn if lugging it around doesn't only look awkward, but makes me feel like an idiot. i stumble, rotate my wrists in unnatural positions, and generally just feel like i should have a third ear growing from my forehead.

so why i thought i'd forgo the sling and use the infant carrier/carseat while in wal-mart the other day, i don't know. because people, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE IT WITH A CART.

yup. so there i was, sitting in the car in the parking lot. and truth be told, i sat there until i say someone else with a baby go in, their carseat perched perfectly on the cart.

i then got out, all smooth-like. i grabbed a cart, grabbed the kid, and put his seat in the front. but...was it supposed to be this unstable? "oh well." i thought as i pushed onward. i circled around the diaper area to check out sales on diapers and burp clothes when i decided that this simply was wrong. it was wobblin' a little, and that just seemed unsafe. so i tried to pick the seat up and change positions. but the freaking seat was stuck.

i started to break out in a cold sweat, swearing under my breath. what was i, a freaking amatuer? well, yes. i was. a wal-mart employee came and asked if i needed help.

"oh no! not me! just foolin' around, you know. no big deal! ignore the sweat stains!"


i turned around, scanning the aisles for another momma/baby combo. after seeing 2 others confirming the original position of the cart to seat arrangement, i came out from under the clothes rack i was hiding in, trying to have some air of confidence.

i don't think it worked. but jonas found the whole situation hilarious.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


on sunday afternoon, we loaded up in the beetle (aka the smallest vehicle on earth) to visit john's parents in russellville in their new house.

first things first, you never realize how small a car is until there's a carseat jammed into the back seat. and it quickly gets smaller when you add in a diaper bag, baby's clothes bag, baby papasan, breast pump bag, and a bag with clothes and tolietries for two adults.

the entire time in the car all i could think of was the chris farley skit "big man in a little jacket". i was afraid that the car would simply rip at its seams due to everything that was jammed into it. luckily, we made it to and fro in one piece.

we had the famous quesadillas, and all i can say is that i'd kill for the recipe, but it's considered an ancient chinese recipe. one day...ONE DAY! anyway, after wolfing down three of those puppies in a 10 minute period, john was struck with the evil that is heartburn. at first i laughed at his pain because really, i gave birth to a child. and heartburn is NOTHING compared to child birth. but then i remembered this and felt bad for him, just a little.

by monday morning the fire in his chest was out, only to be replaced with a blocked upstairs toliet beginning to flood the bathroom and the dining room located directly beneath it. buckets were thrown about to catch the streaming water from the light fixture because HOLY CRAP IT WAS RAINING FROM THE CEILING. john's dad was immediately beckoned from work to come back home and save the house.

after several hours in the basement working on unblocking the pipes, and mighty GUSH of water followed by unintelligible yelling echoed throughout the house. being the inquisitive people we are, whitney and i (sidenote, the alexander children didn't get real creative when it came to picking out spouses with different names...john married me, whitney is marrying jonathon. BRANCH OUT, people.) ventured down to the basement to find the basement floor, along with ron and john, splattered with poo water. lots of poo water. enough to fill the kiddie pool john bought two summers ago. they were almost as literally as possible shat upon.

and if that doesn't make you crack a smile, then you must be made of ice. it's poo water, people. that's classic comedy gold.

Friday, July 10, 2009

baby face

yeah, i haven't seen a baby picture of john yet...but he obviously doesn't look like me.

and that's not a bad thing, at all.

(in other news, look at those freaking huge ears on my head. good grief.)

Thursday, July 9, 2009

avert your eyes

i'm going to be honest right now.

babies are dangerous. especially sleeping babies.

you're only really safe if you avert your eyes. you know, sort of like a solar eclipse. you want to look so badly because it's an awesome sight, but then again, your retinas not smelling like a burnt grilled cheese sandwich is great, too.

well, maybe as long as you keep your eyes away from the cheeks and lips. yup. you can look at everything else, but once you look at the cheeks and lips, you're a goner. life as you know it is over.


Tuesday, July 7, 2009


john's eye is okay. which,'s great that his eye will be back to normal soon. but i can't help but feel let down that he wont have to wear an eyepatch or walk with a cane or, you know, anything cool. think about the handicap parking spots we're missing out on. i love handicap parking. and...and i could use handicap bathroom stalls without feeling guilty because DON'T YOU SEE THAT MY HUSBAND IS DISABLED!? EYE PATCH, PEOPLE. it's called entitlement.


i went to sam's yesterday. did you know how much i love to buy in bulk?

well, i do. there's nothing quite more fulfilling in my eyes than saving a quarter because i bought my mayo in a 4 gallon tub.

the problem with sam's is that there's a lot of gourmet items. and for some reason while i'm shopping, i completely forget that HEY! I CAN'T COOK! but look, 4 gallons of mayo are on sale!

so i usually end up purchasing things that i try to cook, end up ruining, and resort to opening up a can of spaghetti-o's. and john couldn't be happier because he freaking loves spaghetti-o's like i love peeing in handicap bathroom stalls.

it's a guilty pleasure.


i have convinced myself that when jonas cries his most pathetic of cries that he's saying "mama". of course this isn't the case. you know that if it was, i'd be hocking my baby on the today show, showing matt lauer what he could do next. move over, michelle duggar. your claim to fame is shooting your kids out like the log ride at branson.


Monday, July 6, 2009


this fourth of the july was like none other. let's recap, shall we?

we are watching our friends' amazingly sweet golden retriever, sam. we love sam. we want to kidnap sam. unfortunately, john isn't accustomed to dogs that are able to get their paw higher than 6 inches in the air. which basically means that sammie raised his paw to shake john's hand, and john, in turn, got his eyeball scratched.

this all resulted in absolute panic.

we called our eye doc and surrounding clinics, and of course they were all closed because not only is it saturday, but it's the fourth of july. so we called our dr's office, and were told to head to the er.

we got in and out of the er in 45 minutes...for sure the fastest er trip on the fourth of july in the history of the world. basically, john's cornea has a nice scratch in it. they gave him some meds, and he had to take 2 days off work because he couldn't drive. this morning he's going to our eye doc to make sure everything is okay.

and we still want to steal sam. he's amazingly sweet.

saturday was also the day that my uncle passed away. he had been sick and in the hospital for so many months. he was in a coma for about 6 weeks, had what i believe was stage 4 cancer throughout his body, lung issues, and severe water retention. he was on a respirator as well. he had been at the va hospital in fayetteville, transferred to little rock, then to a va in missouri, and this past week was taken BACK to the va in fayetteville so his feeding tube could be replaced. once there, he went downhill very quickly (although, in reality, he was never going to be going "uphill" ever). friday evening the siblings gathered and decided that this was it...his quality of life was non-existent, and they were just putting him through unnecessary measures while he lay there, unresponsive. on saturday afternoon, they had him taken off the respirator. thirty minutes later, he was gone.

that night, like they had the night before, the siblings gathered and remembered the good times that they had with mike...those funny stories, the wild person that he was.


the family is gathering on wednesday for the funeral. hopefully it'll turn out like those nights this past weekend; memories, laughs, tears, and happiness.


in jonas related news, he started reaching for toys on friday night. while i'm sure he's behind on the curve, it seriously made me well up with pride that my little monster reached with purpose for toys infront of him (and grabbed them!). he's 8 weeks (plus a day or two) and still captures my heart. he's holding his head up SO well now that the bumbo is a favorite, as is sitting on our laps, resting on the crook of your arm.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

sling and swaddle

the sling and swaddle twitter experiement ended the middle of last week. i already know i won't win the grand prize (well, i don't know that for sure, but i can safely assume that). and not to sound like i'm up for an oscar, it really was an honor to just be nominated.

seriously. i think it's completely awesome that i was one of 30 moms chosen across the us and canada to take part of this project. not only did i snag some fantastic baby gear from hotslings and miracle blanket, but i also got to talk to moms across the nation, ask advice, or give input to their issues.

i'm a little sad that it's over, but on the other hand, i'm really glad that i'm not stressing about being fired from the contest. isn't that sad? i was completely stressed that i wouldn't be funny enough, was too boring, would come across wrong...and so much more.

there are a couple of moms that i really hope win. i hope that the number of followers you had doesn't have a huge impact on who will win. because i'm pretty sure that one of the moms who has to have one of the highest follower numbers sort of, i don't know, did it in an unsavory manner? meaning, i know for a fact that she went through MY friends list and followed all of them, just in hopes that they would follow her back. and to me, that's sort of crappy. i only followed people (or some sites, like fml) because i wanted to read about them. if they followed me back, sure, that's great. if they didn't, that's okay, because i'm still getting to read their stuff. i think that just adding people so that they will add you back sucks.

hear that?

i think it sucks.

so here's to you, mom_30. i hope that you win (i mean...not going to lie...i WANT to win, but you're a close second ;) ). kick some butt, and hopefully enjoy the splendors!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

2 months (almost)


you are freaking almost 2 months old. i'm sorry, but when did i say that you could get bigger, older, and taller than me? okay. so i still have a couple of years before you're taller than me, but seriously, are a giant amongst wee babies. while you're still a skinny thing, newborn clothing is just about way too short. and being the victim to an eternal wedgie is no bueno. so we shove you in 3 month clothing, and just turn our heads while your pants fall down.

are you shooting steroids? because you have grown a HUGE AMOUNT in just a week. HUGE. and sometimes, sometimes you have 'roid rage. it's mainly when you're hungry AND WHY THE HECK HAS NO ONE OFFERED ME A CHEESEBURGER, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? JONAS SMASH.

what i'm trying to say here is that you've gained a whole new range of emotions. you may be slightly bi-polar. you go from crying and screaming to cooing and giggling with mere seconds. i'm not going to lie, i could live without screaming and crying.

i keep reading about how you will poop less, and hear about the boys your age that we know who are just not pooping at all (and cause them to have horrible pains). you, my friend, are a pooping machine. you're pooping like it's going out of style. we usually have one blow out a day, with mini poops here and there. and then, of course, are the LOUD toots that you emit. those just make me giggle.

you have the neck strength of a baby almost twice your age. seriously. so you are loving to spend a few minutes here and there in your bumbo. we just bought you a playmat, so you are starting to figure that out. your swing is a BLAST! for about 10 minutes, and then it is shunned to the depths of hell.

i know i'm about to get slammed for this, but we let you sleep on your stomach. you will almost REFUSE to sleep laying on your back (unless you accidently roll yourself that way. oh yeah, right now you can roll yourself from your side to either back or front. and by roll, i mean flop). so we place you on the firm mattress with nothing near your face but your paci, and you pass out. the past few nights you've been really squirmy and fussy during your sleep...but that shall pass. in a week or two you're being kicked out of our room and snuggled into your own crib. which...i'm torn about. while i KNOW you need to go to your own room, dang it if i probably wont cry and miss you like crazy.

jonas, you are an incredibly beautiful and amazing child. we couldn't love you more if we tried.


jonas, above're just really amazing. every day i wake up not believing that you're really here.