jonas turns 4 weeks old this week. on monday, he starts college.
okay, so not really. but it feels like it. he. is. so. old. and that means that while he's still my baby, he's not my itty bitty days old baby anymore.
today, these sassy ladies brought coffee and bagels over. while they were at our house, jonas got VERY hungry. john scooped him up, and while i thought he was going to hand the kid over to me so i could feed him, he quietly asked if he could try to give him his first bottle.
i just about cried. i mean, not only do i just have an amazing husband, but my kid is getting a bottle. which kills me a little bit because there's this sense of pride and duty when you are the sole source of nourishment for your child. on the other hand, it's so nice that i can actually have a break from feeding him (and i'll have to get used to him eating from a bottle 4 days a week during the week while i'm at work) and just pump instead during those times.
and of course, jonas ate from that bottle like the little champ that he is.
last night was another hard night. jonas was just getting so upset, and was at that point where he couldn't stop crying/screaming. and i just sat there on the bed, baby to my chest, weeping and asking him to please stop. all i wanted was to make him happy. i swaddled. i fed. i rocked. i patted. i sang. i prayed. i changed diapers. i rubbed lotion on. i shh-shh-shh'd. i stroked his hair and forehead. i checked his toes to make sure there wasn't a strand of hair cutting off circulation.
and when nothing worked, i cried. more.
i guess that sounds crazy. maybe? i know that most new moms have that experience atleast once, and i was really hoping that i'd skate by and miss that.
but in a way i'm glad i got to experience the dispair of not knowing what to do next, my heart breaking for my crying child. i think that it makes you stronger as a mom to be there at your lowest because there WILL be a release, there WILL be a point where it will get better, where the crying WILL stop, where order WILL be restored.
this motherhood thing is hard.