Friday, June 12, 2009

distraught

i'm really sad.

i have to go back to work on monday. and i'm dreading it with all of my heart and soul. it breaks my heart to know that starting on monday, it's not me who is going to be feeding jonas all of the time. it's not going to be my arms that he falls asleep in. it's not going to be me that gets to soothe him when he's crying. it's not me who gets to cuddle him whenever he needs it.

i'm really sad.

i never thought that i'd be the person who wants to stay at home with a child all day long while my husband went off to work. i honestly just assumed that i would crave the work world, being out there, doing my "job". and i do love my job. i love my co-workers and my bosses...they're such a wonderful support system and make work a joy to walk into every day. but they aren't jonas.

i'm really sad.

i'm jealous of the moms that get to stay at home with their babies...i'm jealous of the moms who got paid maternity leave so that bills weren't an issue while they were off. i wish that we were well-off enough where we could afford to go without my paycheck so that i could stay at home and love on my child.

i'm really sad.

it makes my soul ache to know that i'm going to be missing milestones of his life because i have to work. it hurts me so bad to know that i'll be hearing about his first crawling, his first steps, his first words via someone else.

i'm really sad.

i have this (probably) irrational fear that he will forget who i am during the day. right now, i'm his world. he becomes soothed when i hold him, when i whisper into his ear. i'm so afraid that he will become unattached, distant, longing for someone else. that i won't be good enough...that i won't be the one he wants.

i'm really sad.

4 comments:

ness said...

Jonas will love you best for a long, long, long time.

Vin's 8 now, he still loves me best :)

I'm sad for you, though. I was really lucky to stay home with my kids, but it did get lonely sometimes and I wonder if I'll ever be employable....

The good thing is that you are just unconventional enough that you will figure out a way to make this work for you guys.

hang in there, Mommy.

Sadie said...

I'm so sorry Wendy. : (

Alli said...

Thinking of you tonight.

And wanted to tell you that I worked in the infant room in a daycare before I started having kids. Even the kids that started at 6 or 8 weeks old still loved their mama best. They loved our school and were happy, but there was no competition when it came to Mom. They still lit up at the end of the day when mom came in to pick them up. Jonas will feel the same way for you.

Kim J said...

I'm so sorry Wendy. I wish I had a million bucks to give you so you could stay home. But, believe it or not, this will be good for both of you. And just think how happy he will be when he sees you again. The good thing about doing this NOW is, he can't stand at the door and cry while you leave. That is torture! Just go to work, knowing that Jonas loves you and you love Jonas and that he is in good hands and you are only a phone call away.
Go to work early enough so you can cry a little and then be set for work.
YOU CAN DO IT!! I know you can.
I'll be thinking about you and praying for you!
Love you lots,kiddo!