Sunday, June 28, 2009

year one.

john,

one year ago today, i put on my boots, you your chucks, and we got married.



there were times where we annoyed each other, times where we wanted to bite each others heads off.







we've been able to gather around friends since this year ago today for many of their weddings.





this week last year was probably one of the craziest weeks of our lives. your grandfather passed away the sunday before our wedding, we drove to amarillo for the funeral, drove back with our cousin sain, had the wedding rehearsal in a park without you or jamie there, and then got married just as a monsoon hit northwest arkansas. i don't know about you, but i was exhausted...physically and emotionally.

john, i've never met anyone like you. the minute that i first saw you in April of 2006, working together at express...i fell in love. never in my wildest dreams did i actually think that we would end up dating a year later, married the year after that, and laying in bed with you with jonas on your chest just a year after that.

i remember the dates in the park, watching harry potter on your futon in your room. i remember cheap pizza from wal-mart and being the lone girl at the highland games. i remember turning my head to talk to you and our lips brushing...resulting in our first kiss.

no one can make me laugh harder than you, smile bigger, grow more. you bring out the best parts of me, and help me with the bad. you're my best friend, someone i can trust with my most precious and intimate thoughts. we have the same thoughts WAY too often (it sort of creeps me out a little).

when i took that pregnancy test and saw those blue lines, you were the one that i came to...and who rushed to wal-mart with me to buy 4 more boxes of tests. you held my hand during each contraction, encouraged me to do what i felt was impossible when i gave birth to our beautiful son.

john, i love you. i can't wait to see what is to come.

Friday, June 26, 2009

overload

so much has happened since we last spoke. (doesn't that sound nice and homey, like old friends from childhood who have reunited?)...

jonas had his "6 week" check-up...basically instead of coming in at one month or at two months, the doc wanted him at six weeks. which is fine by us, because it saves us a co-pay...and he's a healthy baby, so straddling a little works great.

his stats:

height--25.5inches
weight--10lbs 4 oz
head--15 inches

so the doc was going over his growth, and said that jonas was at the 50% for weight, but was off the charts (literally...his little X was WAY above the 100% curve). so he obviously takes after one of his parents. and just as a hint, it's not me.

apparently with little boys, you have to pull the foreskin back every 2-3 days or it can become fused. unfortunately, no one told us this, so it had fused a little on the right side. as john and the doc were standing over him, john turned white when the doc pulled it apart again without any notice.

after that, i had to leave the room because they had to clip our little monster's tongue-tied tongue. he took it really well, as he did the shots as well. we were so proud, and the doc even said that he did a great job!

i fought back my STRONG desires to scoop jonas up after each procedure and console him, letting john be the person who got to soothe him. usually jonas perfers to snuggle with me (i think it has something to do with the greater potential of getting food out of it), so i know it meant a lot to john to be rescuer. john just didn't want to put him down (and melted my little heart).

...

at work on wednesday afternoon, a patient's mother (whom i already dispised) made a comment like "i thought you would have already had that baby by now".

now, i am totally aware that i still have a tummy pooch, and i accept that. it's going to take it a little time to go away, and that's okay. but do i seriously look 9 months pregnant? seriously? i cried on the way home because of the comment, and made john affirm that i indeed didn't look 9 months pregnant. i still look probably 3 months pregnant due to the pooch, though.

...

i've been lucky that so far, i haven't felt any real post-partum depression. don't get me wrong, i have cried atleast once while holding him while he was crying because there was nothing that i could do to console him and i just felt so badly about it. but i haven't had any other real symptoms, and for that i'm extremely grateful. i know how debilitating it can be to mommas.

...

our one year wedding anniversary is sunday! it's surreal that this time last year i was putting together last minute wedding plans, and now i'm worrying about cradle cap and a bean-pole baby. it's been a whirlwind of a year, and it's hard to think that we have been through so very much in such a short period of time. we've changed, grown, and become stronger as a family this past year.

...

the monster has been working so very hard on holding his head up. we're going to get him a bumbo this week so he can practice some more...but he really does a great job already! his favorite thing right now is to stand up (all of the time) on someone's lap. his face just lights up and you can see how proud he is of himself. while jonas has been smiling and laughing for a couple of weeks now, john is the person who can just get him going. that kid will laugh and laugh and LAUGH at john. it's great that john is getting to enjoy jonas so much more (babies really aren't his thing), so it's exciting to seem them interact on a whole new level.


and i think that's about it.

OH! yesterday my parents and grandparents came by to install a working dishwasher in our house. AND OMG it works! it drains! it cleans! it's not a huge drying rack (like the older dishwasher).

AND our A/C got fixed on tuesday! so we have air again! while it doesn't work great, it's sooooo much better than the 80+ degrees it was in the house at all times.

Monday, June 22, 2009

the force.

it's hard being married to a police officer.

the hours usually aren't great. you can't plan things too far in advance because shifts change (as well as days off) every 8 weeks. he's going to miss birthday parties, holidays, and major events in our lives because he's a police officer.

it's hard being married to a police officer.

our schedules usually conflict. which means that we may get to see each other a couple hours a day...if we're lucky. eating meals together doesn't happen all of the time. neither does sleeping in the same bed.

it's hard being married to a police officer.

i'm not going to lie; i watch the clock. if i don't hear from him and it's a little over 15 minutes since he was supposed to be home, i begin to worry. after an hour...i panic. while we live in a relatively safe area, i can't get the thought out of my head that something bad could happen to my husband, the father of our beautiful child. i think about the robbery and shooting at wendy's just a couple of years ago. the wendy's that is seconds from our house. the wendy's that happens to be in john's zone.

it's hard being married to a police officer.

while it's fun hearing about the crazy stops he makes, hearing about the drunks he arrests, exciting to hear about the bad guys that he takes in...it's impossible to know how to console him when things are bad. knowing that he's seen bodies right after they've been shot, knowing that he's had to search frantically in an apartment after the father's gone crazy, knowing that he drove 100 miles an hour to get to a house where a woman thought her baby was stolen...knowing that he was first on the scene today at a very, very bad accident...

it's hard being married to a police officer.

i don't know how to console him. there's really no way that i can. i can offer a hug, a kiss, an ear if he wants to talk about it. i can give him space, let him wind down. i can bring him something cold to drink, something to munch on. i can just be in the same room as him. but i don't know how to console him.

it's hard being married to a police officer.

there aren't words i can really say to express the pride i have in my husband. he has worked so very hard, tirelessly really, to achieve this. he has to sacrifice time from his family, work crazy hours, get little appreciation, see things no one should...so you won't have to.

it's hard being married to a police officer.
and i wouldn't change it for a second.

smiles all around

this past week has been the best yet with jonas. he's starting to smile and giggle...and it's so much fun watching him get so caught up on pop kisses and air being blown on his face. i can watch him do it for hours if i were able to, and love watching john and jonas play with each other.

last sunday at church, john and i commented to each other that the other new baby just looked so much bigger than jonas. that all changed yesterday when we left...both mentioning how the other sweet baby is a little bigger around, jonas looks like the hulk compared to him. he's growing so much! i really think that i'll blink and he'll be running across the room. his new favorite thing is to stand up on our laps, and john has been letting him "stand" on his own. you know..for that entire milisecond before he topples into john's hands.

we go to the doctor (for both of our "fun" appointments) on wednesday. i can't wait to see how big he is! we know for sure that he will need to get his tongue clipped. he's pretty tongue-tied (i was, too) and he tries so very hard to stick out his tongue...he just can't. so i'm really excited to see his little tongue poke back out at us!

there's so much more...for a later time.

Friday, June 19, 2009

six weeks...

jonas,

today, you are six weeks old. how is that even possible? you're so much fun right now...and this past week you started to geniunely smile and chuckle when prompted. and we love it.

the first week back at work has proved itself to be frustrating, rewarding, exhausting, and interesting. my new schedule is basically monday thru wednesday, off thursdays, and back to work on fridays. that way i'm only without seeing you all day three days at a time.

i'd be lying if i told you that i didn't cry the first two days as i pulled away from you. and that i'd never driven faster off work to go to anyone in my life. truth be told, i miss you so much that my heart aches, and you're the only thing on my mind (well, besides lunch).

pumping at work has proved to be interesting, seeing that i have to stand up in the employee bathroom, propped up against the wall. i may or may not make mental bets on which boob will produce the most milk the fastest. and by saying may or may not, i mean that i totally do.

last night was a frustrating one. i had fed you, you were happy, smiley, cooing--so i handed you off to daddy so i could catch a quick shower. once in the shower, i could hear you crying. and crying. and crying. i could hear daddy pacing around, trying everything in the world to get you to stop. after i got out of the shower, daddy handed you to me...and you stopped crying. and daddy's feelings were obviously hurt. i told him you only stopped because i'm the food-maker, and that i think my scent calms you down.

we started thinking about it..and realized that when it's just you and i, you eat every 2-4 hours. but when someone else is around, you will eat so. much. more. i think that maybe you eat more because the milk has my scent/hormones and reminds you of me, maybe? so last night i slept on two of your blankets, and brought them to grammy's house this morning. we're going to try and see if whenever you gets fussy after just an hour after a full feeding if maybe laying you on the mama-scented blanket will soothe you. at home, i think we're just going to buy some cheap big t-shirts that i'll sleep in and daddy can wear when he watches you.

wish us luck.

oh, did i mention that your eyes are no longer the standard issue baby gray/dark blue? they've lightened up CONSIDERABLY...and now are a light blue around the iris and medium/dark blue on the outer rim. we're hoping that the rest of your dark baby hair falls out soon-you have light blonde hair underneath and it's just so cute we want to see more of it! and did you know you have an awesome patch of white hair just over your left ear? i think it may be your birthmark--the skin is def. lighter there as well (as in no pigment). i love it.

jonas, we love you so much. you have completely stolen our hearts forever.

love,
mama

p.s. we need to get cracking on finishing daddy's first father's day gifts!!

Monday, June 15, 2009

weekend wrap-up

stress-filled weekend 2009 is finally over! the highlights:

*friends arrive and fill our house with laughter, joy, and beer.

*john gets beyond tipsy for first time since january (at zach's bachelor party). i had forgotten that john also increases his volume by 400% while intoxicated, repeats the same story 63 times (in a row, even), and gets the stinkiest farts. seriously. gross. our friends now know in great detail every aspect of my labor, jonas's sleeping habits, and john's version of his favorite noises that jonas makes. (my husband is adorable).

*john epresses his saddness that i can breastfeed jonas and soothe him while all he can do is bottle feed him milk that i have to provide.

*jamie's facial expressions range from awkward grinning to blinking back tears while waiting the 10 minutes before sarah's dad is finally able to give her away.

*the wedding photographer takes COUNTLESS photos of jonas. as we are getting ready to drive away, she hands us her card. aahh. it all clicks.

*tornadoes on a wedding day? check.

*buying swim trunks for jonas (on super sale) and the lady checking me out saying, "oh. so you're going to dunk your poor baby in the cold water?" and me replying, "yup. sure am."

*weighing jonas and seeing that he weighs in at 10.2 pounds...the chunk.

*INCREDIBLE growth spurt by jonas, capped with eating every 45 minutes (or less) during sunday.

*hearing that john had to run after a bad guy at a domestic dispute (that didn't know he was being chased) to only cite him for littering.

*crying just about everytime i thought about jonas not being next to me every minute of the day from now on.

and so very much more. and now it's time to crash.

Friday, June 12, 2009

distraught

i'm really sad.

i have to go back to work on monday. and i'm dreading it with all of my heart and soul. it breaks my heart to know that starting on monday, it's not me who is going to be feeding jonas all of the time. it's not going to be my arms that he falls asleep in. it's not going to be me that gets to soothe him when he's crying. it's not me who gets to cuddle him whenever he needs it.

i'm really sad.

i never thought that i'd be the person who wants to stay at home with a child all day long while my husband went off to work. i honestly just assumed that i would crave the work world, being out there, doing my "job". and i do love my job. i love my co-workers and my bosses...they're such a wonderful support system and make work a joy to walk into every day. but they aren't jonas.

i'm really sad.

i'm jealous of the moms that get to stay at home with their babies...i'm jealous of the moms who got paid maternity leave so that bills weren't an issue while they were off. i wish that we were well-off enough where we could afford to go without my paycheck so that i could stay at home and love on my child.

i'm really sad.

it makes my soul ache to know that i'm going to be missing milestones of his life because i have to work. it hurts me so bad to know that i'll be hearing about his first crawling, his first steps, his first words via someone else.

i'm really sad.

i have this (probably) irrational fear that he will forget who i am during the day. right now, i'm his world. he becomes soothed when i hold him, when i whisper into his ear. i'm so afraid that he will become unattached, distant, longing for someone else. that i won't be good enough...that i won't be the one he wants.

i'm really sad.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

hair loss

this week is going to drive me to pull out every last strand of hair in my head, i do believe.

if you don't remember, i'm the person who, while loves her friends and family, needs personal space. with that said, here's the schedule for the week:

monday--john's sister and new boyfriend come over for a few hours so we can meet the bf/she can play with jonas. it was great, and can't wait to see them again!

tuesday--house to ourselves/tidy up

wednesday--late afternoon party at work for girl going to dental school, then hour later lingerie shower for sarah (baby in tow). boys drinking at house that night. zach, carole, and matt arrive for the wedding.

thursday--just houseguests. that night, wedding rehearsal and then rehearsal dinner. infant in tow.

friday--wedding at night. infant in tow.

saturday--i think some of the friends are heading back home, but not sure. from what little john knows, his mom is in town that day and is spending the night at our house? not sure on that.

sunday--possible houseguests? church. lunch at grandma's house. john speeds off to work.

monday--i return to work. :(




i'm not amused.

Friday, June 5, 2009

wtf.

last night i made homeade applesauce. i'm just getting ready to pull out homemade banana bread from the oven.

who am i?

i've had this urge recently to cook and make and create...i think it's some sort of psychological game i'm playing on john's stomach so that he'll say to quit work forever and just stay home to be a domestic goddess. only, i'm not aware of it.

whatever. i haven't even TRIED the applesauce. or the banana bread. i struggle even spelling banana (and have to use gwen stefani as a reference every single time). if you don't see or hear from me in the next day or two, blame the food. it probably killed me.

the fourth week

jonas,

today you are four weeks old. the past four weeks have FLOWN by, and it's hard for me to even begin to wrap my head around it. i mean, just look at you...



you're this happy, sweet baby and i can't even begin to imagine my life without you being it's star.

you pretend to love it when i sing to you. you're the most ticklish person i think i've met (well, besides your dad). you've been sleeping so well the past few nights. you've had your first of many bottles to come (and you did GREAT!! i knew you would). you've taught me patience and strength that i'd never known before. you've proved that my stomach is stronger than i think it is because i've successfully been projectile pooped on, caught "fresh and foamy" poop straight out of your tush in a panic, found boogers on me, and so very much more.

today marks the start of the last full week i have at home with you for a while (okay, so 2 weeks after i go back to work i have a week vacation...but still). i am so, so very sad about having to go back to work. while i love my job and my co-workers, and hell, even the patients...you aren't going to be there. and that just stinks.

we love you.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

sigh.

jonas turns 4 weeks old this week. on monday, he starts college.

okay, so not really. but it feels like it. he. is. so. old. and that means that while he's still my baby, he's not my itty bitty days old baby anymore.

today, these sassy ladies brought coffee and bagels over. while they were at our house, jonas got VERY hungry. john scooped him up, and while i thought he was going to hand the kid over to me so i could feed him, he quietly asked if he could try to give him his first bottle.

i just about cried. i mean, not only do i just have an amazing husband, but my kid is getting a bottle. which kills me a little bit because there's this sense of pride and duty when you are the sole source of nourishment for your child. on the other hand, it's so nice that i can actually have a break from feeding him (and i'll have to get used to him eating from a bottle 4 days a week during the week while i'm at work) and just pump instead during those times.

and of course, jonas ate from that bottle like the little champ that he is.

...

last night was another hard night. jonas was just getting so upset, and was at that point where he couldn't stop crying/screaming. and i just sat there on the bed, baby to my chest, weeping and asking him to please stop. all i wanted was to make him happy. i swaddled. i fed. i rocked. i patted. i sang. i prayed. i changed diapers. i rubbed lotion on. i shh-shh-shh'd. i stroked his hair and forehead. i checked his toes to make sure there wasn't a strand of hair cutting off circulation.

and when nothing worked, i cried. more.

i guess that sounds crazy. maybe? i know that most new moms have that experience atleast once, and i was really hoping that i'd skate by and miss that.

but in a way i'm glad i got to experience the dispair of not knowing what to do next, my heart breaking for my crying child. i think that it makes you stronger as a mom to be there at your lowest because there WILL be a release, there WILL be a point where it will get better, where the crying WILL stop, where order WILL be restored.

this motherhood thing is hard.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

survival

yesterday marked the first day where it was just jonas and i against the world. john went to work at 1:30 and wouldn't get home until atleast 10pm...so i knew that it was going to be a challenge.

what i didn't expect that jonas would physically be awake from 3pm to 1am. yes, you read that right...THREE in the afternoon until ONE in the morning. that's a hella long time for a baby to be awake, let alone be slightly fussy during the day as well.

i take that back. he really wasn't fussy at all...he just wanted to be near me. so while i made dinner he was popped into the sling. he really only got mad right after john came home, and at that point i really think that jonas was just exhausted and really hot (oh, did i mention that our a/c decided to stop working yesterday? i didn't? oh, yeah. that was fun.) even though we camped out the main part of the evening in our bedroom next to the fan.

around 11:30 or so, jonas started to get REALLY, REALLY fussy, and john (out of frustration) made some sort of comment (i can't even remember what) and that set ME off, making me frustrated. so i decided that for the sanity of all three of us that jonas and i just needed to sleep in the guest room where he could cry if he needed to, sleep if he needed to, be held if he needed to...you get the point.

so he finally fell asleep around 1am, i didn't sleep until around 3. he slept until almost 5am, then was hungry/needed a change. it was then where i taught myself how to nurse laying down (jasmine, you're right. it changed my world.), and he went back down quickly. just before 7 he woke up again with a dirty diaper/hunger, so we went back to our bedroom and john changed his diaper. jonas passed out, but john was up, so he took him to the living room and would only bring him in to me when jonas was hungry.


i woke up this morning feeling so absolutely accomplished. yes, i had a fussy baby. yes, i got frustrated because for the love of god i just wanted to grab my mug of tea from the other room. but i did it. all alone. for about 16 hours.

i've never felt more confident in myself.

Monday, June 1, 2009

peanut butter and strawberry jelly-baby sandwich

before jonas entered this world with his death-metal scream, i had already pictured what motherhood was going to be like. i was going to be this super-mom, who was going to get her pre-marriage (yes...beyond pre-pregnancy) body back immediately, who'd wake up early to hit the farmer's market with her baby, who would breastfeed with ease and pump enough milk to feed a small island of people...you know, just regular stuff.

instead, i find myself struggling to pry my eyes open before 10am (ARGH! 10 am! so early and bright and birds chirp too loudly!). and by that point, the farmer's market is basically over. while i've lost a good amount of weight and am close to being back to pre-baby weight, i'm still far, far away from even thinking about being near pre-marriage weight.

the one thing that i'm really just nailing on this motherhood thing is the breastfeeding. i'm not sure how or why, but it's just been super easy since day one (or i guess something like, 45 minutes after birth?). jonas just got it, and somehow my boobs understood too while i just sat there reading a manual. he eats whenever he is hungry, be it 4-5 hours after his last feeding or 30 minutes. you can easily look at my 3 week old child and see that he's not hurting for food. and i'm pumping really well, too.

i've become surprisingly agile while breastfeeding. while i've sprayed my child (and myself. and my pillow. and a fleece blanket. and the floor. and a little on the wall) with breast milk, i've used the bathroom while breastfeeding (which isn't tricky until it's time to wash your hands). i've picked up a room while breastfeeding. and many more amazing feats.

the one thing that i'm not so good at is eating while i nurse jonas. i just don't seem capable of eating while i nurse, no matter what tactic i try. now, don't get me wrong, i FOR SURE eat while i nurse daily. i just happen to maybe drop a lot of food on jonas. a lot of food. and today, i reached an all-time low...i licked strawberry jelly off his neck because there was no rags around.

who am i really kidding?
it's really good jelly. you don't waste this stuff.