Thursday, July 31, 2008

value

I've been thinking for a while about what drives us, what makes us value and desire certain things over others.

And I'm completely confused, just as much (or more so)than I was in the beginning.

There are these standards that we somehow have contrived in our heads that drive us daily.

For me, the union of marriage is huge. Divorce isn't an option-if there's a problem, there will be some sort of positive solution. I believe that if there was ever anything that could ever lead to that even being a sidethought, that john and I could come together and talk about it, about our concerns, our wishes, our issues, and we would resolve it as a team. Make a plan, get outside help if needed-but as a team.

There's also quiet. I value quiet spaces (that don't have to be audibly silent-music can be blaring, whatever) where I can just regroup and compose myself.

I value, desire, whatever you want to call it, support. Its so reassuring to know that if you're doing something hard, there's someone rooting for you, teaching you, loving you as you go on.

I respect unconditional love. I hold the people that I love like this in a higher place than I do others.

What do you value?

pissed.

I seem to have completely pissed my body off. Last night I didn't sleep. Not one freaking minute. I spent it throwing up, other stomach yucks, watching march of the penguins 1.5 times, and working out. I read half a book (a BIG book...I read 236 pages of it),drove around the neighborhood to see if it was safe enough to ride my bike at 245am (and deemed that a negative), and stared at the back of johns head until it was time for him to FINALLY wake up at 430am. Let me tell you...I have never been that excited for 430am in my life, because then I atleast had someone to talk to besides myself.

So far I've been asked twice if I'm pregnant (that's a huge negative).

I finally fell asleep about 630am, slept on and off until 1030 or so, and then went grocery shopping because I'm starting a new me. What I like to call the 'best version of me'.

My goals in this include, but aren't limited to the following:

-major weight loss. I've gone back and forth about how much I want to lose, what size/weight I felt the healthiest all around at, and have determined a number. Its a HUGE number (somewhere around 40 pounds).
-be more secure.
-have a positive attitude whenever possible, but don't shut out feelings that aren't super positive.
-exercise. Lots.

If I become focused on these things, I know without certain I can obtain them. I've done it before, I can do it again.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

theys be goin' woo woo!

The furniture painting went well. Little did john know that when he left this morning that the furniture we primed last night to be painted brown today would end up being aqua and mint green.

Bwahahaha.

I love that he trusts me enough to do wacky things like that-like painting furniture and not being real clear about what color it may end up being.

I'm a-thinking that thursday if the weather doesn't suck, jasmine, baby i, and I will go swimming at the bosses' pool. And on friday, I'm thinking about going over to nicole's to play wii :) my partner in crime.

We found a poster in my great granma's furniture that we acquired (and painted today). It stated 'america needs nixon/agnew now!'

My life is a little brighter after 'bookclub' (that really was just gabbing bc low turnout and rescheduled to next wednesday). Ahh...I love having a church where I can just be ME and be accepted. Its a completely new feeling,

I love john.

The end.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

breathe

1. I got the job at the shelter! I'm super excited, and am just waiting for them to touch base again so I can start my background check.

2. Bookclub is wednesday night and I'm so excited about that.

3. I went to the doctor today for my uti and finally got some medicine.

4. John and I primed furniture to be painted by my mom and I tomorrow.

5. I have been having anxiety/feeling smothered about some things.

6. We saw 'step brothers' on monday, and we're watching the batman movie again with my parents on friday.

7. We are going to russellville this weekend.

8. We got back our wedding pictures and they are gorgeous. Completely beautiful.

9. I love our house.

10. I've been painting a lot this week/weekend and I love them.

the undead

I'm fairly certain that paula deen is the queen of the undead.

More on this later.

Monday, July 28, 2008

space

I'm the person who can handle being around people for only so long before I break down and have to find somewhere to be alone. I like to think of that time as my re-charging period. I get so completely drained when I'm constantly around people...in just about any scenario. From family, to close friends, to complete strangers--its a little too much most of the time.

John's the only person I can actually not have to retreat from-but even with him, if we are together all weekend, I may have to sneak off for 20 minutes and just breathe.

I'm guessing this may have something to do with being an only child. Or maybe not at all. I guess john's the exception because we can just sit there, or lay there, or whatever and not have to say anything but we still are able to communicate.

Friday, July 25, 2008

if the shoe fits

This book, this dang book from bookclub is kicking my butt. I find myself picking it up, reading a page or two, and putting it back down. Argh.

Our roomie has moved out, as of today. We're going to miss our friends, but then again, its going to be nice to have naked time whenever! I think we're going to do some intense cleaning now that he's gone and we have full reign of the house.

Oo I should be getting a check for about a grand in the mail any day now- I'm completely stoked :)

Thursday, July 24, 2008

baby kitty

Baby kitty, scout alexander, passed away sometime today. He was alive when john went to work, and by the time I got home around 245, he was gone. He was laying on his favorite towel, and he seemed at peace.

He was a good kitty. Sweet, loving, and had the best purr. I find solace that given the short amount of time that he was in our care, he was loved very much.

Sad.
1. Baby kitty (aka scout) is dying, I'm pretty sure. John said that this morning scout was acting like he couldn't walk. And he's been peeing NOT in his litterbox even though its steps away. I'm sad about it, but if he is going to die, I want to make sure he feels the most love and comfort possible until then.

2. I made peach salsa last night and it was tasty. John agreed.

3. I'm off all week next week...so I think I'm going to lay out with my friend nicole, paint furniture, read, and relax. I'm excited!

4. I prefer handwashing dishes over putting them in dishwasher.

5. I'm officially back on insurance.

6. That means I can finally go to the doctor for my uti, gyno visit, and stuff like that.

7. I love chicken.

8. But I'm seriously considering dabbling in the whole eat no meat thing.

9. But maybe I'd still eat fish.

10. And goldfish crackers.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

wave your hands in the air if youre a true playa

My oh my. Tomorrow I have an interviw with the children's shelter for a part-time (and after my other job) job. I'm just super nervous...I hate interviews. But I think I will do alright, and if I don't get the job, its not the end of the world. But I do want it, and having extra cash for our family will be amazing.

In other news, my appreciation for the union of marriage, the sacred and private bond that I share with john, grows every day. I am becoming a better person, my best person, in knowing him because he's showing me how great and deserving of love I am...and in turn, I'm better suited to show that love to others.

And in other, other news- could I love mozzerella and tomato salad any more than I do? I think not.

Monday, July 21, 2008

life in the fast lane

1. I'm a book-reading fiend.

2. John's not home yet (just one hour fifteen minutes late at this time). I miss him.

3. Reconnecting with others is an amazing feeling.

4. I like to number things.

5. I love my bicycle!

6. I'm sad bookclub is only every two weeks.

7. I'm pumped that we had two sets of friends try Vintage this week, Jazz and G (and baby I) are coming back next week.

8. The show intervention is fascinating.

9. I love raspberries.

10. I have a sunburrrrrrn.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

reflection

"God created marriage so that His love could be reflected in us."



that's a line from our wedding ceremony. how beautiful is that? God loves us so much that He wants to reflect all of that through the commitment of marriage.



i'm a lot of things. i'm creative. i'm artsy. i'm a good listener. i'm funny. i'm silly. i'm weird. i'm someone with a soft heart. i'm loving. i'm loyal. i'm beautiful in my own weird way. i'm all of these positive, good things. but i'm also jealous. and i'm bad at communicating. i'm a worrier. i stress too much. i assume too easily. i'm ugly in my own, weird way.



i am all of those things. and more. much more.



but with john, with john...those things, the good things...they get magnified. not just magnified, but they get BLOWN up to a mammoth size.



the bad parts of me are still there. they're just different. they're understood. and accepted. and worked on. in love.











i believe that God gave me john as my partner for a reason. when i am flustered, john soothes me. when i'm silly, john laughs with me. when i'm having problems communicating, john sits and holds my hand until i can. when i'm feeling bad about myself, john affirms his love for me. when i'm overwhelmed, john calms me and takes over.



and when john is in need, is struggling with something, is hurting, is expressing his bad parts...i need to be there to comfort, console, listen, and love. i need to step outside of myself, of my selfish desires and feelings, and contour myself into him. that's something i really struggle with. when he hurts me with a struggle he faces, instead of being upset and angry and....horrible, i am learning to act in love, take his hand, and support him.



that's how God would handle any problem, i believe. out of love. because while He's also a god of wrath...He is primarily a God of love. if He can express love, unconditional love, when we through things in His face, why can't we atleast try to do that?



i love you, john. and i want the world to be able to look at us and see God's love.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

well, we haven't even been married a week, and john has officially broken my vagina.

i know that has to be a wonderful mental picture, but let me explain. i am right now experiencing my very first UTI. and i'd like to blame that on john. fair? no. rational? yes.

i called my boss this evening after i had gotten home and had passed blood. he told me what to do, and then his wife called right back and said not to worry, gave me a name of a medicine that should cure it quickly, and said it only happened because of the expontential amount of sex that has occurred from let's say, a saturday 2 weeks ago to today.

so i stand by my findings. john broke my vagina.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

some VERY candid wedding pictures






some pics via the lovely miss rissa.

the wedding, in my very accurate and unbiased (or completely biased..maybe) opinion, was beautiful. i couldn't have asked for a better looking wedding party, or a better set of bridesmaids to get me through the end of a very, very rough week.
it was colorful, it was sweet, and it was different. everything that we are :)
robb was absolutely amazing. he gave the most beautiful, meaningful, personalized sermon/ceremony that i have ever heard (and lots of people commented about how perfect it was). he described our story, talked about the beauty of beautiful things, and about the beginning of our song together.
i love my husband more than i ever thought possible.